Safe haven laws are good ideas?and I support the concept. Sometimes though, even a good idea can go horribly wrong.

Perhaps you have never heard the concept of ?safe haven laws?. These are laws passed by states in the United States to prevent the abandonment of infants. The idea is that a mother can anonymously turn her child in at a hospital, fire house or police station after birth and avoid a penalty or prosecution. The child is safe, and the mom is safe too. It?s a ?simple? concept, but the wording of some of the laws is where it all goes downhill.

In Pennsylvania for example, a young mother called a fire station after placing her infant at the door. In that state though, it?s only legal to anonymously turn you child in at a hospital. I simply could not believe the news story which announced that the police were asking for leads on the identity of the child?s mother. I mean, what is the goal here? Eventually they did find the mother, but I haven?t heard if they made the decision to prosecute her as they technically can do so under that version of the safe haven law.

Another poorly worded safe haven law has received much media attention recently. In Nebraska, a safe haven law was passed recently which allows parents to abandon their child at a hospital without any penalty. This law never specified an age limit for the abandoned child though. Parents have been driving from out of state to abandon their teenagers at Nebraska hospitals because it is legal to do so. In the few months that the law has been in effect, 35 children have been left at hospitals by their parents.

Some claim that this is a sign of how many parents have nowhere to turn when a teen is out of control. Some of the parents have said that they have had no other choice but to use this option because they ?had no where to turn.?

Do you think that there is a failure of social services and communities to provide resources to parents who are dealing with difficult situations with their children? Do you feel that safe haven laws are a good idea?

Some day our darling little babies will grow up to be *gulp* teenagers. They’ll no longer think the moon of us, but think we’re the most clueless, strictest, most unreasonable (take your pick) parent in the whole world. They’ll think we don’t understand them. They’ll think we’re an embarrassment. When once they turned to us for advice, they’ll turn to their friends. When once they thought we knew everything, they’ll think we know nothing and especially nothing about being a teen. They think, horror of all horrors, that we don’t know them.

When I stare at my baby girl as she gleefully blows bubbles in the water, or blows me “flying kisses” ten times in a row, I can’t imagine that there will ever be a time when she won’t be so innocent. I can’t imagine her breaking my heart because of a lie she has told, because of rules she’ll bend or break. Because she decided to be swayed by her friends’ influence rather than mine. I console myself it’s light years away but I know it’s coming and so I need to prepared. As should all parents. Being a Mom or Dad to teenagers is a whole new world of parenting. If you think you’re confused now with breastfeeding issues, or trying to get a picky toddler to eat, just imagine the muddy waters you’ll have to traverse as you learn to deal with teen angst, hormones, and identity search. Just like you read baby books and tried to prepare yourself mentally for the coming of your newborn, and did research with every new milestone, so should you do the same for the coming of that turbulent phase in their lives.

What should you do now to prepare a good foundation for their teen years?

• Tell them you love them. Don’t assume they know. Don’t demand they say it back. Just say it and mean it.
• Give them boundaries. Some children grow up needing few directions and are able to set limits on themselves. Some don’t. Don’t be afraid that they will hate you for being strict. I plan to tell my little girl that if they hate me I must be doing my job well then . Seriously, your child needs to know that you mean what you say and you say what you mean. When you set out a consequence for an action, stick to it.
• Watch who their friends are. You can’t just do everything you think is right and hope that some shield will protect them from friends who may not always come from functional homes. Ask questions, get to know their friends early on and steer them towards other children who seem to come from families with values that share yours.
• Get them committed to risk-free activities. Have them join a club, youth groups. Or maybe into competitive dance, martial arts, or sports. These positive environments should instill a goal to them, and a purpose, and lastly, steer them away from boredom.
• Raise them to be critical thinking children. Get then involved in family decisions, spur them to think about the consequences of their actions. Discuss politics, books, even TV shows with them to get to the message being brought across.
• Respect them. Respect their opinions, and their choices in areas that doesn’t put them in danger or doesn’t jeopardize your family values. Whether it’s wearing gothic clothing or black nail polish, or giving up sports for theater, let them express themselves in the way they’d like.
• Give them a strong sense of family bond. No matter how much I hated how strict my mom was, I couldn’t ever rebel. It would mean I wouldn’t be in protected and fun family circle. We had lots of fun as a family, and I couldn’t have run away from that, or hurt my parents who loved me.

There are many more to parenting than the tips I’ve outlined here, I’m sure but these are the ones important to me. How did you escape your teenage years unscathed? What do you plan to do different in raising our child?

Mark Hutton, author of My Out-of-Control Teen, says that despite his being a counselor, he believes that counseling troubled teens is a waste of time and money. He claims that traditional methods of discipline, including grounding, putting teens on medication, threatening to call the police or to kick teens out of the house are not effective.

He and many other therapists and psychologists believe that what works are more positive methods of discipline. Learning to communicate with teens is extremely important. Teenagers have a ‘mental block’ when they hear negatives such as ‘Don’t do that’. It is, therefore, key to turn everything into a positive. If a parent is being yelled at by her/his teen, for example, instead of saying ‘Don’t yell at me’, Hutton suggests saying ‘I need you to talk to me in a calmer tone of voice so I can hear you’.

Hutton claims that many parents who approach him about counseling for their children, are in fact the ones who need counseling themselves. He developed a system to give parents the tools they need to help their teens. He teaches them how to develop a therapeutic alliance with their kids, which will lead them to respect their parents regarding discipline. It is important for parents not to wait until their teens are behaving negatively to respond to them. They must focus more on their children’s positive behavior and accomplishments by encouraging and praising them.

It is also important for parents to make kids work and earn things, rather than being spoiled and handed things. This takes away a sense of dependency, which also removes many teens? strong sense of entitlement. Doing good things, such as helping out with chores and housework should earn them things they want. We all know that teens want things, whether they’re clothes, an I-pod or car privileges-clearly, they’ll be likely to behave well if their actions lead to these rewards.

J. Eileen Walker, author of the fact sheet for Ohio University, Make Lemons into Lemonade: Use Positives for Disciplining Children, agrees with Hutton’s approach. She emphasizes that ‘to discipline’ means ‘to teach’, which is done effectively through positive approaches.

Walker favors guidance-based parenting, which can be applied to younger children, as well. An example of this is if your child is difficult in the mornings and takes a long time to pick out his clothes and get dressed, don’t simply repeatedly complain about it. Instead, tell him if he continues to do this, he will have to either pick out his clothes the night before or get up earlier in the mornings: it’s his choice.

Walker recommends positive reinforcement of rules. For example, instead of telling a child not to run in the house, say ‘You need to walk in the house. If you run, you could get hurt or break something.’ This addresses the child’s behavior, rather than judging him.

Also important are setting limits. Walker points out four specific types:

1) Prevent physical harm, as in ‘Be gentle with the baby’.

2) Protect property, as in ‘Play with the ball outside, not in the house.’

3) Prevent psychological harm, as in ‘When your sister makes a mistake, help her out. Don’t laugh or make her feel worse.’

4) Respect for others, as in ‘Ask your friend before you play with his toys.’

For more in depth information on Walker’s view on setting limits, see: http://ohioline.osu.edu/hyg-fact/5000/5153.html .

Having problems with a moody teen? Mom, Dad, it`s not your fault. It`s all in the teen brain.

An Australian study of 137 adolescents aged 11 to 13 years old showed that their grumbling behavior may be related to the structure of their brains. In this research, the teenagers and their parents were asked to discuss subjects that often lead to disagreements while the behavior of each teen was carefully studied.

Later on, the teens? brains were scanned and the structures were analyzed. The results showed that adolescents with larger amygdalas – the region of the brain that is the center of emotional activities – were moodier and grumpier towards their mothers. The two other regions ? the anterior cingulate and orbitofrontal cortices ? are the ones that control behavior. The connections between the amydgala and these two other regions are not complete until one reaches early twenties. It seems that the amygdala of some teenagers grow rapidly while the other two regions that regulate their behavior are not fully connected resulting in moodiness. Enlarged amygdala was also linked to drug or alcohol abuse and depression in young people.

The researchers also pointed out that environmental factors may also influence the behavioral difficulties of young people. However, they are not sure whether social upbringing also influences brain development of adolescents and whether this will have permanent effect in their behavior later in life.

Reference:
Whittle, S. et al. Proc. Natl Acad. Sci. USA, 105, 3652-3657 (2008).