With my first pregnancy, I literally didn’t wear maternity clothes until I was 6 months pregnant.  With each successive pregnancy(and as my age advanced), I “showed” earlier and earlier.  With my most recent pregnancy, I’d noticed some changes in my waistline even before the test came back positive.

Because of my history, getting out the maternity clothes is not an easy thing to do.  I still remember taking down the crib and packing away the nursery supplies when our son was stillborn 3 years ago.  I couldn’t fit into my “regular” pants and I wore maternity clothes to the funeral home to make the arrangements with my husband to bury our son.

That event changed me radically.  Since then, I guess I am afraid of “what if”.  For example, when our next son was born a year later, my husband and I hadn’t even picked out a name yet!  We also hadn’t set up the nursery.

My family was angry because they felt we’d not prepared for this child and that we were irresponsible.  That wasn’t it at all.  We were just afraid because we knew that in life, there are no guarantees.    I didn’t want to have to pack away more baby things “if” something happened.

This past weekend, I went out and bought pants a size larger than I usually wear to try to hold me over until I absolutely must pull out those maternity clothes.  They are a little loose, but just fine for now.  Every so often, I’ll look at the maternity clothes I have stored under the bed, but I just can’t bear to go through them right now or think about wearing them.  I’m not quite yet 8 weeks along you know.

Monday is my first OB appointment.  Perhaps after I emerge from the first trimester, I’ll be brave enough to pull out those maternity clothes, but for now, my “big” pants are just fine.

We’ve all seen the pregnancy commercials on TV.  At least the ones that I seem to remember always show the happy couple elated over that positive test result.

Life’s not always like that.

I finally got the nerve to take a test, although I knew what the results would be.  It’s not that I don’t love children or that I’m not thrilled to be blessed with a pregnancy, it’s just that pregnancy is not a joyful happy time for me.  I’ve experienced numerous miscarriages, and I’ve buried a stillborn baby.  I know that miracles don’t always come easy.

When I see that positive pregnancy test, my mind immediately thinks about what could happen.  I think of the “ifs” and I tell myself to not get too attached because I know that I’m not guaranteed a baby just because I’m pregnant.  That’s my reality.

I told my husband and he hugged me.  We really haven’t mentioned it much since then, because we both know.  Today, I am still pregnant, and I’m trying to be happy, but not too happy, because tomorrow, that could change.  But for today, I’m “happy”.

I wonder how many other women are just like me.  Afraid to be too happy because of what the future might hold. On the other hand,  I wonder what it would be like to be one of those women who just jubilantly(and publicly) declare their pregnancies as soon as they discover the reality.  I wonder what it must be like to be so confident and assured.

After the holidays, I will mark my calendar like I always have during my pregnancies.  The risk of miscarriage is lower after 12 weeks, and so 12 weeks is always marked in large print.  I’ll hope and pray that we make it until then, and then take it from there, one day at a time.

Is pregnancy a joyful and happy time for you? If you have a history of miscarriage, how do you mentally handle your pregnancies?