Baby showers are about sharing the joy that a new baby brings to a family and a community, and a way for others to help the new parents prepare for the new arrival. So why is it that society’s etiquette seems to say that showers for a second baby are not acceptable?

We’re expecting baby #2. As such, my husband and I are debating and deliberating a number of things: baby names, how to help our first born adjust to not being the only baby any more, and whether it’s proper etiquette to have a baby shower when it’s not the first baby.

I think it depends on what your goal is for the shower. We want to have a second baby shower to share the joy and celebrate with our friends and family, whom we don’t get to see as often as we would like. Our idea of the shower would be a brunch or a casual barbecue, taking place on a sunny summer afternoon in our backyard or someone else’s, where we can sit back and just enjoy spending time with each other.

Instead of gifts, which we don’t really need, we might ask for a donation toward the second child’s college fund. However, some people just can’t imagine a shower without gifts. For them, we might suggest the following non-traditional shower gift ideas - in fact, they could even make unique shower theme ideas.

• Books. We can never get enough books. Guests can bring a copy of their favorite children’s book – whether from their own childhood or what they read to their own children - to give to the new baby.
• Freezer stock. Everyone brings a frozen casserole or other dish that we can stick in the freezer until the baby arrives, so that we can enjoy a hot, home-cooked meal every now and again.
• Savings bonds. An investment toward baby’s future.
• Memberships. A membership to the zoo, the city parks department for free admission, or the local Y can be a great help to new parents.

A friend of mine had her second baby while I was barely in the first trimester of my second pregnancy. Her kids were really close in age – about twelve months apart, I think – and she didn’t have an easy time with dealing with both kids at once. She told me that I won’t realize just how easy it is to deal with one baby until you put another one into the mix. It’s only then that you understand how easy it is to only deal with one kid.

She told me something her pediatrician had told her: When it comes to having kids, “One is one, and three is three, but two is four.”

In other words, having one baby is tough, but at least you’re only dealing with one baby. Having three kids isn’t so bad because by the time the third one comes you’re already a master at multi-tasking. The second baby, on the other hand, is an entirely new experience. Up to that point you’ve only ever dealt with one kiddo. Suddenly being responsible for two kids instead of one can be a rude awakening for some moms and dads.

In other words, two is four. It’s twice as hard to go from one baby to two. It can be incredibly overwhelming, especially if the babies are pretty close in age. Trust me…my kids are nineteen months apart and there were many times indeed when it seemed to me as though my two babies were more like four babies. For me, it was that tough.

If you’re awaiting the birth of your second baby, don’t assume that you’ll have a tough time. I know some moms who claim that the addition of a second baby was a seamless transition. Do brace yourself for some big changes, though, because even the best blessings can add some difficulty.

My daughter was my first baby. After she was born my husband and I decided that I would stay home with her, so I made it my full-time mission to make sure that she was always happy, healthy, and intellectually stimulated. I knew everything about this little girl…I distinctly remember the first time she made the “t” sound, I could tell you how old she was week-by-week (example: “She’s sixteen weeks,” or “Tomorrow she’ll be twenty-two weeks!”), and she didn’t spend hardly any time on her own because I was always there.

Then came my second baby: my handsome little guy. When he was born my daughter was not quite two years old yet, so I already had my hands full with her. My experience with him was a lot different. I have no idea when he first made the “t” sound, I often forgot how old in weeks he was, and he spent a good portion of time on tummy mats and blankets while his sister tried to master potty training. To tell you the truth, I didn’t even know he was teething until he smiled at me and I saw two teeth poking out. It’s not that I was derelict as a mom, but I just had my hands full and couldn’t devote the time to him that I devoted to my first born.

Did I feel bad about this? You bet. Oftentimes I would wonder if my daughter would have some sort of intellectual advantage because of her time spent as a newborn as opposed to what my son experienced. As they grow a little older, however (she’s 4 now and he’s 2 1/2…don’t ask me how old he is in weeks, please) I see that they’re both brilliant in their own special ways. I also notice that my son has a little easier time with playing on his own for a while when Mommy needs to get some work done.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t spend as much time as you can with your babies, but I am saying that you should not feel as though you are the worst mother in the world if you cannot spend every waking moment fawning over them. Both of my kids know that they are loved, and I think that’s the most important thing I can give them as a mother.