Last month, an obstetrician in the UK wrote an article detailing with why men should never be in the delivery room. The piece was written in response to a survey that said fathers should be allowed to spend the night in the hospital when their baby is born. In the article, the doctor, who has presided over 15,000 births, believes that men are a distraction in the delivery room, and that labours are longer now because of it. He also justifies his position with anecdotal evidence, including: fathers (he mentions only a few) who leave the mother immediately following the birth, subsequent sexual difficulties because of what the father sees (which the doctor argues results in divorce later on), and one man whose schizophrenia was triggered by being at the delivery. I will not recount the entire article here; it is a fascinating read, and I encourage everyone to take a few minutes to consider its contents.

I was present at the birth of my daughter. Without going into much detail about the delivery (brief version: about 15 hours of labour culminating in an elective cesarean – although it may have become emergency in the future – because of the baby being right occipital posterior (ROP), meaning she was facing sideways and therefore could not pass through the birth canal) it was a difficult process, but I can offer some anecdotal evidence contrary to that of the doctor.

My wife had been given an epidural, and yet complained of pain in her hip/lower back/bottom. She said that she felt like there was a bar pressing against her. The nurse condescendingly dismissed her, saying that she was imagining things. My wife turned to me, and said that she was sure there was something. So, I helped her turn to one side, and I felt the mattress: at the bending point for one of the adjustable joints, the mattress had worn so thin that one could feel the frame underneath! I called the nurse over and showed her what I found. This resulted in two outcomes: first, they put a pillow under her bottom to alleviate the pain, and second, they realized that her epidural had been improperly administered.

The day after giving birth (which I am aware is not “in the delivery room” anymore, but the story bears telling), my wife was transferred to a different room. The student nurse who was assisting her primary nurse got a couple of her friends and they wheeled her (while she was holding our daughter in her arms) into the hall while I followed with the bags. They tried to enter the room. Bam! My wife winced. They backed up and tried again. Bam! Again, my wife winced. They started to try a third time. “Stop,” I said.

“No, no. It’s OK. We’ll get it,” the student replied.

“Step away from the bed. Now,” I said through gritted teeth.

They complied. I put down the bags, and pulled the bed away from the door. I lifted the bottom of the bed slightly, and, steering it like a wheelbarrow, got the head of the bed through the doorway. I turned to the three nursing students, “Think you can handle it from here?”

Both of these anecdotes illustrate my role in the birth of our daughter: I was not the one doing the actual birthing, but I was my wife’s advocate. I stood up for her when she needed someone to stand up for her because she was too exhausted, too weak, or just being disrespected. I was her partner, just as I said I would be when we got married.

While some fathers may find the delivery difficult to handle, ultimately I think their presence is more beneficial than harmful, not just to the mother but to the family unit as a whole. As I say to my daughter all the time, fathers are parents too. Establishing that bond as early as possible benefits everyone. If I had been in the waiting room, as this doctor suggested, my daughter would have spent her first hour of life in a bassinet in the operating room. Instead, she was swaddled and cuddled and was able to stare at me, bewildered, while I spoke softly to her, telling her everything was going to be OK.

What are your thoughts on this issue? Were the fathers present at your births, or do they plan to be there for your future ones?

I had my first doctor’s appointment yesterday. For me, this was no small feat. I have a phobia of doctors. Not just a minor fear, or “don’t like going,” but all-out anxiety attacks for days before.

I said to my husband, “I don’t think I really thought this through. I’m fine with having the baby, but I don’t know if I can stand nine months of doctor visits.” Even typing this blog, my hands are starting to shake and my stomach feels queasy. (No, it’s not morning sickness).

Fortunately, I’ve found a doctor (one out of six in the office!) who makes me feel very comfortable. We think along the same wavelength, and she listens to me?not just my concerns and questions, but my feelings.

I figure having a baby will be the best thing to alleviate my phobia. Or, as my obstetrician joked, “You’ll either get over it, or it will kill you or us!”

Finding such an understanding, competent doctor didn’t make the anxiety go away, but it helped. When the exam was over, I learned that the baby is healthy, growing well, and it’s normal for me to be outgrowing my regular clothes already.

I was too nervous to ask many questions, but I’m going to arrive at my next appointment with a list.

What questions should you ask during your first appointment, or at least early on in your pre-natal care?

• Ask what pre-natal vitamins the doctor recommends?sometimes, they will provide free samples. (I left with so many boxes of samples, it covered the cost of my co-pay!)
• Ask about any OTC medicines you may have taken or might need to take (if you have a cold or allergy medicine you rely on, it’s better to ask now?and to ask about alternatives?than to be wondering at 3 AM when you wake up sneezing.)
• Discuss your rate of weight gain with the doctor. If you’re gaining too quickly, perhaps she can recommend some nutritional changes that will help. Even if the doctor says you’re gaining too quickly, don’t try to lose weight while you’re pregnant!
• Discuss any exercise programs you are currently doing, how long it will be safe to continue, or any programs you may be thinking about starting.
• Discuss pre-natal screening and tests recommended and when they should be done. (Remember, you have the right to refuse any test).
• Ask about any and all symptoms you may have, including soreness, spotting, aches, pains, nausea, etc. Chances are, they are nothing to worry about, but letting the doctor know will put your mind at ease. Also, she may be able to offer something to alleviate your discomfort.

I’m sure you’ll have your own questions that I didn’t even think of. Write them down before your appointment so you don’t forget, like I did the first time! (You can also use the sheet of paper to jot down the doctor’s answers if she makes specific recommendations.)

Look at your monthly doctor’s appointments as a time of education and preparation for the big day. Even if you’re like me and suffer anxiety over going to the doctor, being prepared with specific goals and objectives in mind will make it feel less like torture and more like the important part of pregnancy that it is!

This information is provided a patient’s perspective and should not be taken as medical advice. Always consult with your medical practitioner.

Do you take your baby’s daddy to your pre-natal obstetrician appointments?

My husband was in denial that I was pregnant for the first two months. Then he felt uneasy about coming to a ‘woman’ thing. But I twisted his arm and made him come to my 4-month checkup and after that, he was happily there for every one.

I think guys should come to the appointments if they can. They may not be the pregnant one, but the appointments are as much for the baby as they are for the mom. Dad is as equally a parent as Mom, so he should be there if he wants to.

There’s some great benefits for Dad. They can meet the person who will be delivering their baby. They can learn more about your pregnancy, they can listen to the baby’s heartbeat, and feel a little more involved in the pregnancy and with the baby. It’s especially important if there are any complications, then Dad should be there.

I sort of wish my husband didn’t come to my OB appointments when my doctor asked me what I was eating, and he ratted me out about my jelly donut habit.

But I’m very glad he did come, and got involved with our baby so early, I think it helped him bond faster with our son when he was born. I also think it helped him get to grips with the idea that I would be giving birth, particularly the physical aspects of it.

What do you think? Do you think OB appointments are a private thing and you would feel uncomfortable with your man there? Or is he enthusiastic about coming with you?