We’ve been visiting a child psychologist  for the past few months in an attempt to help my young son cope with his father going away on military assignment, so I’m learning a lot about the best ways to ask for compliance from him.

I’ll pause while everyone chuckles over the idea of trying to get consistent compliance from a young child. Go ahead; I’ll wait.

Although I’ve been somewhat skeptical about some of the psychologist’s instructions, some of the things she has taught me have worked so well that I wonder why in the world I hadn’t heard about them before. One of the methods I learned from her recently was the 5 Second Rule.

What’s the 5 Second Rule?

I’m glad you asked. The psychologist and I were talking about how sometimes it seems as though my son simply ignores my requests, such as to pick up his toy or to hold my hand in a parking lot. She explained to me that children of this age may take a little longer to process a request, which I understand, and then she told me that after I make a request I am supposed to count to five in my head before asking again. She told me that I will be surprised at how effective this method is.

So here I am thinking to myself, “Count to five? What good will that do?” Since I am determined to do whatever I can to make life easier for my son while his dad is away, though, I tell myself I’ll give it a shot. In fact, I got my first opportunity as we were leaving the psychologist’s office. He stopped short of the door so I said, “Please go to the door, buddy.” Instead of quickly following this with my normal, “Come on!” or “Let’s go!” or my default, “Dude, listen to me!” I merely counted in my head: “1-2-3-4-5.”

Something very interesting happened. Right around the time I got to 4, he started moving toward the door. It was as if I had just witnessed his cognitive processes humming along and had unlocked a secret timeline.

I tried it again when we got home. I opened his car door and said, “Please get out of the car.” As usual, he sat there thumbing through his books, but instead of pulling him out of the car myself I counted in my head again. Right before I made it to 5, he started getting out of his seat.

The psychologist says it’s crucial to not do the counting aloud, or to even reveal to your child that you’re counting in your head because this will give your child something to challenge. Instead, it’s an internal gauge that you use before you repeat your request.

I’m not saying it works all the time, but until I started using this method I didn’t realize how quick I am to repeat a request. Now that I’ve started counting in my head, we have a lot less pleading from me and fewer protests from him.

For the record, I am a military wife and my husband is set to deploy to Iraq in two months. He leaves today actually, for some additional training and briefing.  We have a two-year old daughter.

A recent study reveals that children of  U.S. Veterans who have been deployed to Afghanistan and Iraq are showing elevated signs of anxiety and many other emotional difficulties.   The study, based on a questionnaire and published in the Journal of Developmental and Behaviroal Pediatrics, followed 116 spouses and children of deployed Army personnel.  The results of the questionnaire found higher incidences of anxiety, of being worried and crying at a higher rate in military children; about twice the U.S. norm.

The results also found high-levels of stress in the spouses –mostly mothers– left behind.  Could this be playing the major role in their kids’ anxiety issues?  The researchers seem to think so.  They found that spouses who reported having access to support groups reported less stress for themselves and their children.

What Support is Available for the Military Spouse?

I’m glad to say that the study results ends on a high note by giving families insight on how they can ease the separation.  Aside from seeking support from church groups, family members and friends, the military has created a site, MilitaryOneSource.com that offers a plethora of help and resources for military families.  They offer, among other things:

• Support on the phone available 24/7
• Medical counseling
• Learning materials in the form of webinars, CDs, web links
• Discussion boards where families can log in and ask questions, state concerns towards others who have been through, or are going through, the same experience.

That’s just one of many.  Through the site, I found information on summer programs for children, financial help such as getting discounts for daycare, etc.  The information here is invaluable to military families.  If you’re a military spouse, or if you know someone who is, spread the news about the Military One Source site, as many military families still do not know of existence.

For many mothers, Mother’s Day is a day to be endured and survived, not celebrated.  I learned this on Mother’s Day 2006.  Our first born son had been stillborn and we’d buried him less than a month before.  I remember going to church that day and noticing that a baby baptism ceremony had been planned for that day.  I actually had to leave the service because I just wasn’t able to handle it.

Mother’s Day can be a difficult day for moms.  I think of the older mother who buried her child and is helping to raise her grandchildren.  I am reminded of my step mother, who loved and raised us after our mother’s untimely death.  She never made a distinction between her biological children and her step-children.  That’s a mom alright!

I also think of the many mothers with children in the military.  Some of these mothers will spend their day worrying about their children.  Perhaps some have gotten the call that no parent ever wants to get: they have been told that their child has made the ultimate sacrifice and given their life in service to their country.

For many years, I was a single mother of young children.  Being alone on Mother’s Day was always depressing for me.  One year, my friend from college called and invited me to spend the day with her family.  Every year after that, my children and I would spend the day with her family.  I remember those holiday celebrations with great fondness.

As you are planning your Mother’s Day activities this year,  remember the “forgotten” mothers.   Whether you send a card, give flowers, or thank them for their sacrifice, your efforts will be appreciated.

My husband will soon be moving to another country for a year as a result of a military assignment.  He’s gone away before, but the longest he had ever been gone was for six months.  A year is a long time to be gone, so essentially I get to be a single mom for the span of a year.

Whether it’s a military deployment, an impending divorce or some other situation that’s about to propel you into single parenthood (either permanently or temporarily) there are some things you should do to get ready for the change.  Believe me; I’ve done this a few times – although never for this long – so I have a few pointers if you find yourself in a similar situation.

1.  Start compiling some help in advance. I’ve already hired a cleaning lady and have the kids enrolled in a program on the military installation that takes them one Saturday a month so I can have a breather.  I’ve also kept my family and friends informed so they know that pretty soon I’m going to need all the help I can get.

2.  Plan a break with the kids. Next summer the kids and I plan on escaping our house for a few weeks to go visit family on the West Coast.  It will be a nice break and it will be nice for them to be surrounded by family for a while.

3.  Find lines of communication. My husband bought a laptop so the kids can chat with him on the web-cam while he’s gone.  I think that in any case of marital separation – whether it’s temporary or permanent – it’s important that both parents still have contact with the kids as much as possible.

4.  Keep the kids informed. Even the youngest kids know when a parent is missing.  My son was barely talking the first time my husband went away, but every so often he would see Daddy’s car in the garage and say, “Daddy?” This time we’ve already told the kids about Daddy leaving soon so they have time to prepare for it as well.

It’s not easy being the only parent in the house, especially when you’re outnumbered by the kids.  I’m going to take it one day at a time and cut myself some slack for the inevitable times coming when I feel incredibly overwhelmed.

As a former military wife, I learned to deal with the fact that my husband was away from home quite frequently. After he retired, I somewhat expected him to get a local job and for him to be home more often. He was hired by a contractor and travels frequently out of state with his civilian job.

Our son is still young, but I wanted to make sure that he knew that his father was still “here” with us even if he wasn’t at home. At my son’s age, talking on the telephone really isn’t practical. Of course, when “Dee Dee” calls home, I make sure to hold the phone up to our son so he can hear his father’s voice. You should see his smile!

I decided to use some of the things that we learned during our family readiness sessions to help our son through the times when his dad is away with work.

1. Have your spouse or partner tape a bedtime story which you can play for your child at night time.
2. Keep a picture of the traveling parent in a central location or give your baby a wallet to play with that has laminated pictures tucked in the billfold.
3. Count down the days until the grand homecoming.
4. Talk about your spouse or partner during the day as you care for your child. For example, while dressing your child, you may mention that his father’s favorite color is blue. This way, you offer your child a way to connect to the parent who is not present.
5. Celebrate homecoming day! When your partner returns home, make it a special occasion for everyone. Remember to include your child in the festivities.

Do you have a partner that travels frequently? Please share any tips or ideas that you use to help your child deal with the situation.

My husband is in the military. It’s how we met, actually , because I spent a few years in the Air Force as well. Consequently, my husband periodically has to leave sometimes, and unlike other husbands it’s not for a short business trip. We’re talking months on end.

It’s not easy, but I understand his obligation and I’m proud of what he does. I know it isn’t easy for him to leave the kids behind, and I’ll be the first to admit that it isn’t easy to deal with raising kids alone AND worrying twenty-four hours a day whether my husband is okay when he’s gone. I can’t even imagine what it must be like to be a single parent all the time, and I heartily applaud anyone who can pull it off and not go crazy.

If you find yourself in a situation like me where your spouse has to head off to military deployment and leaves you behind with babies and/or young children, read on for what I suggest you do to keep your sanity:

1. Accept help. I don’t have any family nearby, but my church has an excellent program for single parents where once a month I could drop the kids off for a few hours of babysitting while I went and spent some time alone.
2. Utilize the services offered by military installations. When my husband was deployed I was allowed to call him once a week at no charge to me. I also received free babysitting once a month from the on-base daycare center. One time when my husband was in Iraq my car’s battery died while I was on base shopping. Not knowing what else to do, I called my husband’s office on the base and three people rushed over to get my car started. I didn’t even know these people, but they still helped me.
3. Don’t watch the news. Period.
4. Give yourself a break. You may feel guilty about taking a vacation to go see family or taking some time for yourself because you know your spouse is working 20-hour days in a dangerous place. If you don’t give yourself a break occasionally, however, you’re going to be a wreck before your spouse even returns home.
5. Be patient upon your spouse’s return. You may want to immediately dump the kids on your spouse and run screaming for the hills, but that’s not the best welcome home.

When my husband returned from his last deployment (6 months in Kuwait) we picked him up at the airport. The kids tried their best to keep the banner up (it was bigger than them!), but the second they saw him they dropped the banner and ran toward him, waving American flags and screaming “Daddy! Daddy!” The entire crowd of people in line for the security checkpoint stopped, watched the scene, and then broke into applause. It was as if he had never left. My son was 1 when my husband left, but he knew exactly who that guy in uniform was when my husband got off the plane.