Here’s something that single parents everywhere may rejoice over: In a recent study done by an Ohio State University professor, they found no difference in school performance between children of single parents and those of two-parent homes.  (Provided that the children come from stable homes.)

Providing a Stable Home is Key

The study gathers data from 5,000 families across three decades.  Their findings suggest that stability in family life seems to have more correlation with children’s low stress levels, performance in school, and in low incidence of behavioral issues.  A two-parent household that was mostly dysfunctional proved just as disruptive to a child’s well-being as divorce.

The Downside

Marriage or remarriage of said single parent can be just as disruptive.  This was stated in a University press release: “Based on this study, we can’t say for sure that marriage will be a good thing for the children of single mothers [or fathers], particularly if the marriage is unhealthy and does not last“.

The Exception

The only exception in the study was found among black children, where children from two-parent homes consistently scored better in math and reading tests.

Despite the caveats, I think it’s safe to say that stability — in routine, in caregivers – as well as a loving and enriching environment is still the best way to ensure that children are happy, productive and successful in school.  And most improtantly, in life.

Actress Kelly Rutherford, one of the stars of the hit TV show Gossip Girl has just given birth to a daughter. The birth is particularly significant because she is currently going through a rather bitter custody battle with her ex-husband and the father of her children Daniel Giersch.

The baby was born at a hospital in Los Angeles on Monday, June 8. Their first child Hermes who was born on 18 October 2006, has been at the center of a very public fight between the former couple since their divorce. Seemingly making things worse is the recent revelation by Giersch that he was not informed of his daughter’s birth.

He released a statement saying, “Media reports claiming that I neglected to attend my daughter’s birth are total lies and fabrication. I was never informed by Kelly about the birth of our daughter, nor was I invited to attend. In fact, I found out about it through Internet reports like everyone else.”

Another disappointing development is what has turned out to be a somewhat distasteful fight played out for the entire world to see. A publicist for Rutherford, Jill Fritzo had this to say on the issue, “The doctors advised that no one be in the birthing room; (Daniel) was notified when (Helena) was born and was immediately invited to come see her.”

According to Giersch, the former couple had a verbal agreement that he would be kept appraised of everything leading up to the birth, which he says never happened. No further statement has been released by Rutherford regarding the issue.

This story is somewhat reminiscent of the battle between Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards after they began divorce proceedings. In some ways this story seems like it might top the Sheen/Richards story.

At any rate even though they are no longer together they still have two children to raise, two-year old Hermes and their newborn Helena. Hopefully this will be at the forefront of their minds as they move forward. I certainly wish them both the best and hope that differences will eventually be put aside for the sake of the children.

Life in modern day society can be very complex and confusing.  Sometimes, I wish there was a book about how to handle certain situations with grace, calmness, and dignity.  Alas, there is no book and some situations are just going to be downright ugly.

Seven years ago, I left my abusive ex-husband and began to rebuild my life and the lives of my children.  Four years ago, I re-married my current husband.

My ex is not happy that I have moved on and he’s very vocal about it (I’m being kind here).  He was very vocal about the first child my husband and I conceived and incredibly, crashed our son’s funeral after suing me for contempt of court because I miscarried on HIS weekend.  How selfish of me.  He was EXTREMELY vocal about my second pregnancy.  Now, I am pregnant again.

My daughter mentioned the pregnancy to him yesterday during a phone call.   So far, I haven’t heard any drama over the revelation, but I’m preparing myself because I’m almost positive it’s going to get ugly again.  I also wonder if (or how) I can make this a little bit easier for all of us–mostly for my children.  I certainly don’t need any more stress in my life–nor do they.

Sadly, I don’t think that there is anything I personally can do, other than to limit my exposure to the negativity.  Of course, I’ll be there to help the children navigate through the emotionally charged waters too.  I can listen to them as they vent and free themselves from the negativity after visitation periods, and I can give them some strategies to protect themselves emotionally, but I think that’s about it.  It doesn’t seem to be enough.

I am curious though, has anyone else out there dealt with a situation like this?  How have you handled the issue with “grace and dignity”?

My husband will soon be moving to another country for a year as a result of a military assignment.  He’s gone away before, but the longest he had ever been gone was for six months.  A year is a long time to be gone, so essentially I get to be a single mom for the span of a year.

Whether it’s a military deployment, an impending divorce or some other situation that’s about to propel you into single parenthood (either permanently or temporarily) there are some things you should do to get ready for the change.  Believe me; I’ve done this a few times – although never for this long – so I have a few pointers if you find yourself in a similar situation.

1.  Start compiling some help in advance. I’ve already hired a cleaning lady and have the kids enrolled in a program on the military installation that takes them one Saturday a month so I can have a breather.  I’ve also kept my family and friends informed so they know that pretty soon I’m going to need all the help I can get.

2.  Plan a break with the kids. Next summer the kids and I plan on escaping our house for a few weeks to go visit family on the West Coast.  It will be a nice break and it will be nice for them to be surrounded by family for a while.

3.  Find lines of communication. My husband bought a laptop so the kids can chat with him on the web-cam while he’s gone.  I think that in any case of marital separation – whether it’s temporary or permanent – it’s important that both parents still have contact with the kids as much as possible.

4.  Keep the kids informed. Even the youngest kids know when a parent is missing.  My son was barely talking the first time my husband went away, but every so often he would see Daddy’s car in the garage and say, “Daddy?” This time we’ve already told the kids about Daddy leaving soon so they have time to prepare for it as well.

It’s not easy being the only parent in the house, especially when you’re outnumbered by the kids.  I’m going to take it one day at a time and cut myself some slack for the inevitable times coming when I feel incredibly overwhelmed.

Last Thanksgiving wasn’t this complicated. This year, there’s me, my son, my boyfriend, his three kids, his ex-wife, her boyfriend, his ex and his kids, boyfriend’s dad, his girlfriend, boyfriend’s mom, her boyfriend, then there’s my ex-husband. (That sentence simplified: many divorced couples, new relationships, many kids from broken homes, not everyone is on civil terms yet) Can you imagine this is going to be awkward? Although I miss my family, I’m kinda glad they live on another continent right now! Currently, there is no plan as to which kids are going to be at who’s house, with which one of their parents, and who is going to be cooking?

While it’s always bad when families break up, some of the worse times can be during the holiday season. It hurts to remember past, happy Thanksgivings that will never happen again. Or it reminds everyone of dreadful holidays filled with fighting. The holiday season is presented to us as filled with magic and wonder, and cute children’s movies with loving parents and happy homes, and children are asked what they want, what they wish for, and as well as a Nintendo Wii and skinny jeans they really wish their mom and dad could both be with them.

When I was a kid, I remember being shuttled between two or three different houses on Christmas day (and most other holidays) so all the relations, grannies, aunties etc.. could be visited because everyone insisted they had to see people on Christmas Day (or else.)

My son is just a toddler so I’m glad he’s too young to have memories of horrendous Thanksgiving days. This is my first Thanksgiving as a single mom and I know that this year is going to be difficult, and probably for a few more years to come.

I found this page of tips for single moms at Thanksgiving, and most of the advice can apply equally to dads too. It reminded me that although it’s going to be hard over the holidays, the reason for this holiday is giving thanks. And I’m so, so thankful that I have people that I love and care about, we can afford to make dinner, we have a cute, warm little apartment, and most importantly, that I have a wonderful healthy son who I love more than anything. I can’t even begin to express how thankful I am for him.

We’ll get through Thanksgiving day. At least it will be interesting, and maybe there will even be some fun moments.

Wishing everyone a happy, safe, and fun Thanksgiving!

When British Indie movie film director wed Madonna, whoever thought it would last? Well, they were married in 2000 for almost eight seemingly peaceful years, including the birth of their son Rocco in August 2000 and adoption of baby David from Malawi in 2006.

Rumors of Madonna’s infidelity with baseball player Alex Rodriguez have been swirling since July, including the repeated story that she wants to have another baby with A-Rod. Bear in mind that Madonna is 50, and while most celebrities tend to get exactly what they want either by the influence of their fame, or cash, time is not on her side for becoming a mom again.

And Guy Ritchie has been less than complimentary about his estranged wife: sleeping with Madonna was like “cuddling up with bag of gristle” and he’s been complaining about the alcohol, dairy, and sugar-free macrobiotic diet she insisted the whole family followed.

In common with other celebrity splits, Madonna and Guy seem to be on course for a custody battle for their children. Madonna is currently on tour in America, while her three children, including daughter Lourdes from a previous relationship, were looked after by nannies in Los Angeles.

Guy Ritchie hadn’t seen his sons Rocco and David for several weeks, and
father and sons were finally reunited at London’s Heathrow Airport today.

Allegedly, Madonna wants the children to live in New York with her, and Guy wants to them to attend school in the UK. Madonna is reputed to have offered Guy $12 million to drop his legal battle to share custody of the children. He’s supposed to have refused and hired a top lawyer to fight for his kids. Madonna is estimated to be worth almost half-a-billion dollars. So it’s like a normal person offering their ex $50 for custody of the children. Can you be any more offensive to the father of your kids? Custody battles are hard enough without one party wanting the children to live in a whole different country to the other. Good luck to them resolving this one with as little damage to the children as possible.

So normal people who share custody of their kids with their ex-partner often drop them off with a little list of things to do (For example…. Me: he has diaper rash, can you put this cream on it? Or, Ex: Can you take his library books back? I think we are relatively normal for a divorcing couple…) Madonna insists that the children wear only the clothes she sent with them from LA, eat only the macrobiotic food she approved, drink only Kaballah water, and only play with “spiritually” sound toys. And then the oddest thing? Guy has to read the boys bedtime stories, and the reading matter of choice? Madonna’s own childrens’ books, The English Roses, a series of tales about a group of girls’ friendships, trials and tribulations at school. I don’t suppose Rocco, being 8, is especially interested in girls anyway. And making Guy read her own books? Is she for real? Perhaps I just answered my own question….

Our blogger Jessdel27 just published am interesting post about parents in an unhappy relationship staying together for their children’s sake.

I’ve been a single mother since April, but I’ve been a single mother emotionally since I was pregnant with my son. My ex-husband expected his dinner made, his laundry done, his shirt ironed just right, his house cleaned, his son looked after, his needs in the bedroom taken care of, that he would get to sleep in Saturday and Sunday, and then go out with his friends or drink beer or watch TV. And that I look after the baby 24/7 including getting up every hour every night for a year with the baby and why wasn’t I happy with that?

After my son started sleeping better and I finally had the energy to consider the situation and try to make changes, things got a tiny bit better. Then they got a whole lot worse.

I met a group of other moms with babies my son’s age, to have playdates with. He was incredibly jealous and didn’t like me leaving the house to see my friends. I was a stay-at-home mom at the time, so I started looking for freelance work. He complained about every second I spent writing because 1. I wasn’t cleaning/cooking/gazing at him adoringly/ironing 2. he had to watch our son with one eye while sprawling on the couch drinking beer and watching TV.

We rowed and argued and it got to the point where I dreaded him coming home from work. Monday was the best day of the week because the weekend and him in the house were over. The arguments got more heated and dread turned to fear and eventually I began to fear for my son’s and my safety.

All the time he lived with us, he barely played with his son. Towards the end, our son was scared of him. Now, after he’s moved out, he’s still filled with anger towards me (which I don’t like, but I understand) but he’s being a father to his son. Our son loves to visit his dad, and he’s sad to leave his house.

My home is much more peaceful, I have my son about 90% of the time, and we are much happier than we were when my ex-husband was here.

But it hurts to see my son missing his dad. And it’s awful that I had to make him leave the home to make him become a good father.

Leaving a relationship where there are children is not a decision to be taken lightly, because everyone will be hurt by the break-up. But I believe, in my situation, that there would have been more hurt if we had stayed together.

According to recent online reports, Kate Winslet’s ex-husband is expecting a child with his second wife. This means that her daughter Mia will soon be a big sis. In a refreshing change from all the bitter custody battles we keep hearing about, Winslet and Jim Threapleton have remained good friends since splitting.

Winlset is now married to director, Sam Mendes, and they have a four year old son, Joe along with eight year old Mia, her daughter with Threapleton. As the story goes they all spend time together when they can. Let’s face it, the family as we know it changed a long time ago. Winslet’s little group is only one example of what seems to be the reshaping of the concept of what constitutes a family.

Blended families, once the domain of sitcoms, are now widely accepted. Take a look at Ashton and Demi, who frequently attend events with her children and ex-husband Bruce Willis. Isn’t that what we would all like to see, as opposed to bitterness and public battles that are drawn through the courts for years?

Studies show that extended families now outnumber traditional nuclear families in the US. This is not surprising. Divorce has become relatively common, and sometimes, even people who marry for the first time, have a spouse who already have a child or children. It is not an easy road to travel for some, but being a stepparent is no less important than being a biological parent.

I think most people would agree that an environment that fosters harmony is important for the children involved. It’s tough enough to be a stepparent I’m sure without having to deal with hostile exes, too. Anyone struggling with these issues should know that there are support groups that can help.

For those of you who are having success raising your blended family, you and Ms. Winslet are in good company. Blended families in Hollywood include, Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith, and Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. Parenting was never meant to be easy, and being a stepparent brings its own challenges, but the rewards are all the same if a good bond and love is involved.

India is fast becoming the surrogacy capital of the world, but laws governing the process are still in their infancy.

A casualty of the Indian legal system and a divorce, is a baby born to a surrogate mother in India who is potentially motherless and fatherless after the couple who paid for her split up.

A Japanese couple recruited an Indian woman as a surrogate mother. The baby girl, born in late July, was conceived with a donor egg, and sperm from the husband, Ikufumi Yamada. The couple split up and divorced while the surrogate mom was pregnant. Mrs Yamada doesn’t want to adopt the baby, and the surrogate mom doesn’t want the baby. The baby’s father wants to bring his daughter home to Japan but Indian law prohibits single men from adoption.

Japanese authorities have hinted that they may be able to approve a visa for the baby girl to come to Japan, and for her to be legally adopted in that country. But currently she’s living in a hospital in the Indian city of Jaipur, where her grandmother, Yamada’s mom, is caring for her.

It’s tragic that there’s such a simple solution that a legal system is preventing. Hopefully sensible heads will prevail, both countries can come to an agreement and the baby can be adopted by her biological father in Japan.

Surrogate Baby Legal Drama

I left my abusive, psychotic, ex spouse on October 6, 2001 with my 4 children and the clothes on our backs. Our exit was quite dramatic, and the drama continues even today, almost 7 years later.

As I began to heal and rebuild my life, I never would have thought that one day I’d be married again. Certainly, if someone told me that I’d have more children, I would have laughed hysterically. Life is stranger than fiction though, and I’m living proof.

I met my current husband at a coffee shop. We connected immediately, but the relationship evolved over time, and eventually, we decided to marry. As happens with re-marriage, there were numerous issues to discuss and work through, one of the major ones was children.

My current husband had been through years of fertility treatments with his previous wife. He was thrilled with the idea of being a step-dad to my four children, but he was very firm about the fact that he also wanted 2 biological children too. Wow. That’s exactly what I thought at the time too, wow. I had 4 biological children and frankly, wasn’t interested in going back to diapers now that my youngest was going to be 7.

Despite the fact that we never came to 100% agreement over the reproductive issue, we got married anyway. After a ‘birth control wardrobe malfunction’ accident, the issue was decided for us. I was pregnant. DH was THRILLED! We didn’t even ‘try’ and yet I was pregnant. So what else is new? I never ‘tried’; it just happened in my life.

All seemed to be progressing pretty well. On March 13, 2006, we went for a routine doctor appointment. We’d already seen our baby’s heartbeat on the ultrasound, so neither of us was concerned, but at this visit, they were unable to find the baby’s heartbeat. Our son had died in utero sometime between this appointment and my last appointment. DH and I were shocked and horrified and went through the process of burying and grieving our stillborn son.

The reality of just how difficult this whole reproductive thing could be was settling in at this point and the doctors were quite blunt. If we wanted a biological child, we needed to mourn this child, allow my body to heal and begin trying again. I was, it seemed, running out of time. This just seemed surreal to me. In my earlier years, I had no problem carrying babies and getting pregnant! Here I was a short decade later being presented with a not so glowing scenario. Poor DH! I felt so bad for him.

The Cliff Notes version of the good news was that our second son was born exactly a year later on March 13, 2007, after a highly stressful pregnancy. Since then, I’ve had several more miscarriages and DH and I are coming to terms with the fact that even IF we wanted another child, it just might not happen.

I get questions about our family all the time. Women call me to discuss their re-marriage and the whole ‘child’ issue. ‘Older’ women call because they are considering having that one last child before their biological time clock winds down. I’ve watched numerous friends who have gotten re-married struggle to conceive. I’ve mourned with those who’ve conceived and miscarried. I’ve sat with others who have birthed children with Down’s Syndrome.

I do not for an instant regret having my son or going back to the diaper bag days. I consider myself blessed that I finally have the opportunity to experience raising a child with a caring, compassionate mate. I am thrilled to be able to have another chance! When I watch my older children playing with their little brother, I smile to myself. When I see the tender look DH gives to our son as he tucks him in each night after prayers, my heart fills with unspeakable joy. I am so glad I agreed to try again after the death of our first son.

Having said all of this, I do have a few words of caution for moms in my situation. Pregnancy is incredibly different when you are 35 plus as opposed to in your early 20’s. I was so tired all the time! I also had more doctor and specialist appointments because of my, ahem, advanced age.

Certainly, it appears to be much harder to conceive when you are older, just speaking from the experiences my friends and I are having. The miscarriage rate seems to increase, and in some cases, it takes longer to conceive. I’d recommend talking to your doctor honestly about your plans if you are considering another child ‘later’ in life, as soon as possible.

Whatever you and your husband decide is best for your family, I wish you the very best as you embark on your new journey together.

Recently, I’ve found numerous articles about the new trend – you know, the large family ‘trend’. According to all the statistics, families with more than 2 children are increasing. Most of the articles site the 2004 study where 11 percent of US births in that year were to women who already had three children. This was up from 10 percent in 1995. Large families, it has been suggested, are the new status symbol.

Articles like these make me chuckle because I personally have five children. I am not a status symbol and I did not decide to have my children based upon current norms or because of what other people would think of me. In fact, after I crossed the ‘two child’ threshold, I noticed a distinct change in the attitudes of family and most of my friends when I’d announce subsequent pregnancies. What was I doing?

I love being a mom and I always wanted a big family. I never set out to have five children, it just sort of happened. As I look around me, I notice that yes, there are an ever increasing amount of large families, but most of those families, like ours, are blended families. ‘She’ has children and ‘he’ has children and then ‘they’ have a child of their own. If ’she’ has two, and ‘he’ has two, that’s four children right there! If ‘they’ have a child together, you have a family with five children.

Parenting a large brood is not for the faint hearted–even if you don’t factor in the obvious worries about the budge and the sheer amount of time and energy it takes to effectively parent a bunch of kids. Since we’ve moved to the southern USA, I don’t notice the distain and negative public sentiment directed towards mothers of large families that I noticed when we lived in the north. On any outing, it was almost a given that someone would approach me and spew some sort of negative comment at me. I actually had one ‘gentleman’ inform me that I needed to find myself a new hobby! I politely informed him that I was very happy with my hobby and saw no need to find a new one. It’s one thing for a journalist to define me as a status symbol. It’s another thing all together to be living that status out in real life. Having said this, would I change a thing about my life if I could do it all over again? Never. I consider myself blessed to be a mother of a large brood.

Are large families the new trend? A new status symbol? I would say no, there’s no ‘new’ trend and I know of no one who is thinking about having a large family because it’s fashionable. Absolutely no one. Instead, I would suggest that large families have never gone away – the media is just behind on the reality curve.

Pregnancy and divorce – there are the two words currently linked to ex-Baywatcher Pamela Anderson. Hollyscoop (www.hollyscoop.com) reports that Pamela is carrying her soon-to-be-divorced husband Rick Salomon`s child! Rumor or fact? We`ll have to wait…