Another high profile adoption case, another celebrity runs into adoption problems due to certain legislation. This time it’s the British rock singer songwriter Elton John who is having problems. John met 14-month old Lev during an AIDS charity foundation trip in the Ukraine. While visiting an orphanage specially set up for HIV- positive children John fell in love with the boy and decided to adopt him. Unfortunately, according to Ukrainian law, John is not eligible to be an adoptive parent. As we know, John is not the first celebrity to run into problems when it comes to adoption.

So what are the reasons that could stand in the way of adoption?

Parental consent

Lev is not an orphan. His mom Marina is a still alive but was deemed incapable of taking care of her and another older sibling because she, too, is HIV positive and has an alcohol problem. Marina declares she is determined to get her life together and get Lev back.

Madonna’s first adoptive child David also wasn’t an orphan. He still has a father who unfortunately, couldn’t, provide for him. The pop star was severely criticized for taking the boy away from his family and homeland.

Marital status

It is not Lev’s mom that stands in the way of John’s adoption plans. It’s his marital status.  Adoptive parents must be married. John is married to his partner David Furnish. Ukrainian law, however, doesn’t recognize same sex marriages.

The Puerto Rican star Ricky Martin reportedly also considered adoption but resorted to surrogacy to avoid the legal hassles due to his single status. Martin is the father of fraternal twin boys Mateo and Valentino.

In fact, many countries do not consider single parents, male or female.

Age

In addition to his unacceptable married status, Ukrainian officials also think John is too old (he is 62) to be an adoptive father. The maximum age limit for adoption in the country is reported to be 45. In some countries it is 60. If there is a maximum age limit, there is also a minimum age limit. In many countries, people under the age of 35 are not eligible to adopt.

Residency

Many countries only allow residents to adopt. Madonna made headlines earlier this year in her efforts to adopt 3-year old Mercy from Malawi. She was denied the right to adopt due to her non-residency status. She eventually won after an appeal.

Health status

Many countries also consider health status of adoptive parents (local or foreign) a major criterion for giving approval. There have been cases of court rulings against adoptive parents who are overweight or obese. A complete medical history may be required from prospective parents.

Other criteria

Aside from the aforementioned criteria, criminal records, financial status, and psychological readiness are also taken into consideration. Rightly so, for the welfare of the adoptive child.

What are the options?

Some celebrities may opt for surrogacy. Other Rumors have it that John and Furnish are considering adopting a child from another country with less restrictions but this still has to be confirmed.

It is advisable for those who plan to adopt to check the adoption laws, whether locally or foreign, before making a decision. This will avoid legal hassles, disappointment, or even heart break.

What is it like to spend nine-plus months carrying someone else’s baby? How can you not get attached to the baby growing inside you? How can you talk yourself through morning sickness, swollen ankles and back pain when you don’t get the ultimate payoff of holding your own precious baby when all is said and done?

I was very fortunate to speak to Alison Adams, an amazing woman who speaks very openly and honestly about her experiences as a surrogate.

1. What made you decide to be a surrogate?

Helping others has always been a deep seeded interest of mine. When I was in my later teen years, I became aware of egg donation.  When I met my boyfriend (now husband), I told him of my desires pretty early on. He thought the idea of it was great, being I waited until after we were done having our own children (I agreed).

2. How do you choose the family?

With my first surrogacy, I met the couple I chose through an agency. With my second surrogacy, I met the couple through Facebook, of all places!

3. What is it like to carry someone else’s baby?

I do the same things – watch what I eat, take my prenatal vitamins, go to my appointments as necessary, rub my belly, talk to the baby, etc. But of course, there’s no preparing for a baby, so that was a bit odd the first time around. It just seemed so strange to be so very pregnant, and not be setting up a nursery or installing a car seat. But how I felt towards my surrogate son was very different – I loved him and cared for him, yes. But I did not love him as I love my own children.

4. Who handles the financial obligation associated with the surrogate pregnancy?

In most all surrogacy journeys, the IPs (intended parents) cover the finances. This could/should include attorneys (for both the surrogate and parents!), insurance copays, etc.

5. Are you financially compensated for being a surrogate?

Most first time surrogates in the US receive around 20k for a first time surrogacy. Some surrogates receive a higher compensation for a second time journey, and some, like myself, opt to receive the same compensation that they received the first time. If you figure it out, it calculates out to under $3 per hour. But as is true for most surrogates, compensation isn’t close to one of the top reasons we choose to do this. It is a nice bonus, though.

6. Do you keep in contact with the family after the baby is born?

Yes, this is actually a requirement of mine. I ask that the family opt to keep up with me and keep me updated on them (not just the baby).

7. How important is the emotional support of your family while you are a surrogate?

Very important. My husband is my rock. He not only has to submit himself to STD testing and sign the contract, he is there with me as I go through the cycling, the pregnancy and the postpartum time. It is not easy on him, but he chooses to support me and hold me up through the hard times. I think I fell in love with him even more after the birth of my surrogate son, just knowing how awesome he was during the pregnancy – a pregnancy that wasn’t even for us, if that makes sense.

Read more about Alison’s surrogacy journeys in her blog.

After all the controversy, custody and adoption battles, Madonna could finally welcome her adoptive daughter Mercy this weekend in London, according to the Independent UK. The three-year old girl from Malawi has hit the headlines earlier this year when she was chosen by the pop diva for adoption, only to be turned down by a Malawi court in April on the grounds that according to the country’s adoption laws, an adoptive parent must have lived in Malawi for at least a year. However, the singer didn’t give up and appealed, which resulted in the original ruling being overturned on June 12. Mercy’s mother, a teenager, died at childbirth. Her father filed an objection to the adoption but has also withdrawn his case.

Mercy’s case opened up again the controversy about celebrities adopting children from impoverished countries. Inter-country adoption has become popular in recent years and some social scientists believe this is actually counterproductive and that celebrities like Madonna and Angelina Jolie and their well-publicized adoptions are clouding the issue.

Some of the objections brought forward by the critics are:

• It gives false hopes to people, sometimes leading parents to deliberately abandon their children in orphanages in the hopes that some rich celebrity would pick her/him out to enjoy a life of comfort.

• Children are uprooted and cannot grow up in familiar cultural and religious surroundings.

However, adoption advocates, especially those who have adopted children from other countries defend their choice: they can’t help every child in this world but at least they could help one or two escape poverty and disease. Surely, this is a worthy cause.

So what do you think? Are you for or against inter-country adoption? Celebrity adoption?

Actress Nia Vardalos received the best gift possible just in time for Mother’s Day. According to reports, she recently spoke about the joy she experienced when her 3-year-old adopted daughter came into her life. In an interview with People.com, Vardalos story is sure to touch a lot of people whether they are adoptive parents or not. Vardalos and her husband Ian Gomez made the addition to their family late last year, but she chose the fitting occasion of Mother’s Day to share her story.

The website quotes the actress as saying, “After years of wanting to be parents, my husband and I were given 14 hours notice … then a little girl walked into our house.” She continued, “One night, the phone rang. The social worker told me we’d been matched with a 3-year-old girl.” The couple had to hurriedly prepare for the arrival of the daughter they had wanted for so long. In fact they didn’t even have much time to let their families in on the news.

After that life changing phone call, they were to get their daughter the very next day. “There wasn’t a baby shower, there wasn’t time to discuss with family and friends, there was no way to really prepare for her arrival.” In the interview she also revealed that the first time she took her daughter to church, the priest offered up a special prayer for her. She was brought to tears when he said, “Today you have given birth to your daughter.”

In the interview Vardalos talked about the difficult path to motherhood. Many people might think that as a celebrity she would have had it easy. Madonna for example seemed to get though her first adoption process relatively quickly. At any rate this is a reminder that even for celebrities, some things just have to run their normal course. Vardalos joins a host of celebrities who have gone the adoption route. These include Hugh Jackman, Sharon Stone, and Mia Farrow.

Vardalos was a little known actress until Rita Wilson, wife of Tom Hanks caught her play and they ended up turning it into the smash hit My Big Fat Greek Wedding. She and Gomez have been married since 1993.

In closing I will leave you with words from Vardalos herself who summed up pretty well what many first time parents probably feel. “All the grief, all the anger, all the angst at the difficult and long journey to parenthood. And that outpouring of tears was quickly followed by a peaceful gratefulness,” she said.

Last week, a not-so-funny hoax was played on a New Hampshire child. Someone apparently hijacked a wireless signal in Dover, logged on to Craigslist, and offered the 1 year old baby for sale or lease with an option to buy. Thankfully, police found the little girl safe and sound at home. And there aren’t any children at the location of the wireless signal. They are investigating the source of this practical “joke.” But it isn’t funny. And even joking like that is against the law.

So no one was laughing on Friday when a West Virginia woman offered to sell her son. Rebecca Sue Taylor, 19, had been talking to Leigh Burr about possibly acting as a surrogate mother for her. Then, Taylor came up with a better idea. She proposed that Burr simply buy her own 5-month old son for ten thousand dollars. After all, mom and baby hadn’t bonded very well, and mom did need money for a new apartment.

Taylor called Burr several times trying to convince her. When Burr didn’t bite, Taylor lowered her asking price to just five thousand. Burr went to the police, who investigated, and arrested Taylor three days later. The baby is now in foster care. No details about his father were given.

This makes me sick. Earlier this week we heard about the father of Slumdog Millionaire child star Rubina Ali offering his Oscar Child for “adoption” to the highest bidder. But that was in India. I could say, “Wow, it’s terrible their society promotes that kind of behavior. Or that their circumstances are so bad that they feel they need to do that.” But this is HERE in the United States. What’s worse, if convicted, this mom will get a MAXIMUM penalty of $2000 and five years in prison. That’s it. For trying to sell a human being.

I’m not surprised she hasn’t bonded with him. What kind of mom would so desperately try to get rid of her child? Not that I agree with east Indians selling kids, but at least they have an understandable motivation–crushing poverty. But here? There is poverty here, but it isn’t the same. And there is a legal, loving, moral way to deal with an unplanned pregnancy in the US: adoption. I said in a recent post that I don’t support abortion, but I would have believed that the procedure would prevent this kind of horrible thing, at least.

I hope this woman’s little boy gets help–fast–in a loving home. He could already be suffering from an attachment disorder. I can’t say what I want for his mother. It isn’t appropriate. I’ll try to change my heart and find a little sympathy and mercy. What do we do in these circumstances? Does anyone else agree that the penalty here is WAY to easy?

The movie Slumdog Millionaire did more than just win a number of awards and put young children from the slums of India in the spotlight. The movie has put new focus on the issue of children living in poverty. Some time ago it was reported that the father of one of the children was photographed beating the boy because he refused to talk to a reporter after the family had been paid money to have the child interviewed. Another story talked about Rubina Ali refusing to take off the blue dress she wore to the Oscars.

Now in another somewhat sordid twist, the father of Rubina Ali is said to be interested in selling her to highest bidder according to published online reports. The story claims that the father is asking for as much as $300,000 for the little girl. A reporter approached the father, Rafiq Qureshi, under the guise of representing an Arab sheik who wanted to adopt her.

Qureshi was quoted as saying to the journalist, “We are considering Rubina’s future. Obviously if you wanted to adopt we could discuss this, but her parents would also expect some proper compensation in return. We are talking of around £50,000 for this to happen. We can discuss everything about this deal when we meet. There’s a lot of interest in Rubina, she’s become very famous.” Even the little girl’s brother offered his view adding, “The child is special now. This is Not an ordinary child. This is an Oscar child.”

It is easy to be upset at what has transpired and to judge the parents for trying to ’sell’ their daughter as the media has claimed. But what we should be reminded of is the horrible decisions people living in abject poverty sometimes feel forced to make. Children’s charities have already spoken on the issue, offering their help to the family. I really hope that this will lead to some significant change which can help her father rethink this decision.

The family may be desperately poor, but there is no guarantee that going to a wealthy family would be the best thing for her. I don’t want to ignite a firestorm here, but I am reminded of the case of the Cuban refugee, Elian Gonzalez. The little boy’s mother died while trying to reach America. On the other hand, his father just wanted him back in Cuba, even though in the opinion of many, he would have been better off in the USA.

Is it too much to hope for that there will be some serious discussion on the issue of childhood poverty? Maybe some of these charities that weighed in on this case could spearhead a drive to really tackle this problem head on. It is a monumental task, no doubt, but it is horrible to imagine that there are families out there that are making these decisions because they feel it is the right thing to do. Or I am sure some may say they are just doing it for the money. I guess it depends on how you see it. At any rate, there may be a happy ending after all. Save The Children’s Adrian Lovett was quoted as saying, “Save the Children pays tribute to the News of the World for highlighting this awful reality. We will do all we can to help Rubina.”

The Advisory Committee on Immunization Practices met in Atlanta on Wednesday, Feb 25. The committee makes recommendations to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Among the latest recommendations: the Hepatitis-A vaccine for people who come in contact with international adoptees.

Dr. Cindy Weinbaum, a medical epidemiologist with the CDC, said the recommendations cover adoptions from countries with a high or intermediate infection risk. “That includes most of the world. All that (it) excludes is North America, Western Europe, Australia, New Zealand and Japan,” she said. The disease is unfortunately common among children coming from the four top countries of origin for children being adopted by US families. Those are China, Russia, Guatemala and Ethiopia.

Formerly, only parents who were traveling to such countries were recommended for the vaccine. Now, the suggestion includes people such as grandparents and babysitters–anyone who will have close contact with an international adoptee withing 60 days of his or her arrival in the U.S. The average incubation for the disease is 28 days, but it can be longer, and young children often show only very mild symptoms, thereby increasing the risk to unsuspecting adults. And children adopted from other countries usually have not had a vaccination.

Even though these children only cause 3% (at the highest estimate) of Hep-A infections every year, federal officials state that the results can be tragic–especially since they are both foreseeable and preventable. The latest of these cases involved a 51-year old woman who became critically ill after exposure to her internationally adopted grandchildren. Weinbaum cited there were about 20 recent cases.

Hepatitis A is a highly contagious liver infection caused by a virus. It is typically spread through feces (in other words, be careful with the diapers!). Symptoms can include fever, jaundice, nausea and vomiting. It is usually more severe in adults, and can be fatal.

The vaccine is given in two doses. The first one should be administered as soon as an adoption is planned. The second would ideally be given two weeks before the child’s arrival. It is an expensive vaccine, by some standards ($140). But considering that international adoptions often cost between $20,000 and $40,000 (according to Dr. Weinbaum), it’s not a lot of money in the big scheme of things.

This recommendation follows the news last summer of many false-negative tuberculosis tests in international adoptees. For some reason, the children did not show positive results for three months. Similarly, young children with hepatitis-A don’t often show signs of jaundice, an indicator for the infection.

Please see the follow up to this story:  Britain’s Youngest Dad isn’t really the Dad

A 13-year old boy cuddled a tiny baby girl in Sussex, England yesterday. No, he is not Big Brother. He’s Daddy.

Alfie Patten is like any 13 year old boy says his own dad, Dennis. He likes his Playstation and his sports teams. Now, Dennis thinks maybe it’s time he taught the boy about the birds and the bees.

Hmm. Well, Dennis, maybe you shoulda’ thought of that a year ago.

OK. I’ll back up a little bit. I mean, Dennis doesn’t live with Alfie’s mom. So, maybe it isn’t his fault. I mean, he gives the boy a few bucks now and then. But he’s got 8 other kids to think about, too. So, it’s all on Mum’s shoulders. I don’t know much about her. Except that now the baby’s born, Alfie spends all his days, and most of his nights, at the girl’s house. She must be OK with that. On the one hand, it’s good he wants to be with the baby. On the other hand, why does he have a baby!?!

Poor kid. Everything they’ve quoted him saying is so sad. He is obviously trying to sound very grown up. But, wow. How could he? He thinks diapers cost “a lot”. And he “thought it would be good to have a baby.” “I will be good, though, and care for it.” How can he care for a baby? He’s still a baby!

His girlfriend, the mature 15-year old Chantelle Steadman, didn’t tell her mother she was pregnant. Mum guessed it after the girl started showing. Chantelle and the baby are now living with Chantelle’s parents. Her mom said it would be hard, since they are on public assistance and now are caring for 7 children. But they are a family and will help her out.

Alfie said they didn’t think about how they could afford a baby. Chantelle said that when she found out she was pregnant, she didn’t think she’d need her parents’ help. The two just knew they weren’t going to have an abortion. Today, Alfie claims they only had sex once and he didn’t know what could happen. Blame it on the teachers then, and Britain’s comprehensive sex-ed?

Uh, has anyone talked to them about adoption? I guess not. I mean, if you don’t tell your kids that having sex leads to babies, why tell them that someone else can raise the baby?

I am glad that this boy is so determined (as much as a 13 year old can be) to be a good dad. And the proud new mama is taking a parenting class at church.  But I’m afraid that 7lb 3oz Maisie Roxanne is the one who will suffer here. How can they possibly take care of a baby? I can barely take care of both my kids and myself some days.

I showed this story to my 12 year old son and asked him, “Ready for the big time?” He didn’t even know how to respond (which is a good response, I think). He was horrified. He has a baby sister and knows what it’s like. He gets a little nervous when I say I’m going to the mailbox and “can he keep an eye on her?”.

He is the one who noticed a secondary point in The Sun story. Britain’s youngest dad was 12. I just don’t have anything good to say about that.

That’s what officials told a hopeful father in the UK. Damien and Charlotte Hall have been married for 11 years, and after trying unsuccessfully to have a baby of their own, decided to try to adopt a child.

But officials in the city of Leeds in northern England told Damien that he would have to lose weight first as his risk of becoming ill or dying was too high.

Damien weighs almost 350 lbs, but says he doesn’t drink or smoke, and says that he walks regularly and is very active.

There is no official upper weight limit for potential adoptive parents in the UK, but very overweight or obese people are likely to be turned down. The Adoption Panel in Leeds says that they are “unlikely to approve applicants with a BMI over 40 because of the long-term health risks.”

The Adoption Panel told the couple that Damien could have another medical in six months time, and they could reconsider their case if he lost weight.

The couple are sad and say that even though they accept that Damien is overweight, and know that he is more at risk from heart disease and other serious health issues, that he doesn’t feel unfit or unhealthy. They say that surely, life with loving parents is better than life in a children’s home, even with the higher chance that he may fall ill? After all, we never know what might happen to even the slimmest and fittest of us.

Currently, thousands of babies and children are awaiting adoption in the UK.

Is it right to discriminate against prospective adoptive parents because of their weight?

There are countless stories on the web about celebrities who have chosen to adopt for one reason or another. Former couple, Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman, X-Men star Hugh Jackman and Basic Instinct’s Sharon Stone are just a few of the celebrities who have gone this route. But we don’t hear much about the celebs who were themselves adopted.

According to a recent story online, some big celebrity names have offered their own stories of being adopted into loving homes. Faith Hill, Jamie Foxx and Keyisha Cole recently finished their parts in a CBS special “A Home for the Holidays.” While they were backstage they talked about what it was like for them to have been adopted and how they dealt with it.

The show offered information on adoption, as well as entertainment. Many fans of actor Jamie Foxx may not be aware that he was adopted. I know I wasn’t. He said, “I was lucky, I was adopted at 7 months, but the lady who adopted me also adopted my mother, so I had a relationship with my biological parents, also.” That’s a pretty unusual twist. At any rate that family ended up producing a successful performer and an Oscar winner at that.

According to soul singer, Keyshia Cole her mother had a drug problem. “she didn’t get a little bit better until I became ‘Keyshia Cole the Celebrity.’ Maybe it was a good way for her to see herself – that your daughter has become so much and she’s become so big,” Cole said.

Faith Hill also shared her personal story. She was adopted as an infant but as she grew older she had to deal with children using the adoption tag as an insult. “When kids would call one another names, they’d say, ‘You act like you’re adopted.’” Hill said. Showing the same spunk she would later demonstrate in her career, Hill would respond, “Well, I am adopted. So what do you think about that?”

Hopefully the special will encourage those who are able, to open their doors to children who have no home or family. Or maybe they could contribute in some other way. I don’t know how much an adoption stigma still exists, but it’s good that children who were adopted into families managed to carve out such successful careers for themselves. It may serve as a reminder to adopted children everywhere that no matter what your background is, dreams can still come true.

In 2004, Frank Gill opened his home as a foster parent to two young brothers. The children are adoptable, and Gill really wants to adopt them. But until today, he was not allowed to. Frank Gill is gay.

In 1977, Florida passed a law prohibiting homosexual individuals from adopting children. But on Tuesday, Judge Cindy Lederman ruled that the law was unconstitutional. Furthermore, she said it was irrational. This ruling underscores a September ruling that essentially said the same thing, but has not had a practical impact.

Immediately, state attorneys said they would appeal the decision.

Florida, of course, is not the only state with such restrictions. In fact, just this November, Arkansas voters passed a ban on any unmarried person from adopting or even fostering a child. I sincerely believe that most of the supporters of these bans are concerned for the safety and welfare of the kids. They are afraid that unscrupulous parents will adopt children for unsavory reasons. It’s the same logic that did not allow a man to coach my son’s baseball team since he had no relative (a son, grandson, brother, nephew, etc.) on the team. There are, unfortunately, a few sickos who would take advantage of needy kids.

However, I believe that this is the exception, not the rule. And I have said many times that it is unfortunate we have to pass laws because of the exceptions. For example, most of us would never kill anyone, even without a law. But they pass a law for the exceptions among us.

My politics are uber-conservative. But I believe that this kind of ban is wrong. For one thing, the reality is that there are not enough adoptive parents for kids beyond the toddler years or foster homes for wards of the state. I also strongly feel that birthmothers should have the right to choose any adoptive family. It’s the way most adoption agencies within the US operate. If a teen mom wants to select a gay couple, she should be allowed to. Finally, when it comes to children in state custody, I just know there are not enough willing homes. Like I said, there might be a few people out there who want to hurt a child, but I don’t think they are the rule. And if you have ever been close to an adoptive family, you know the state leaves no stone unturned. Every aspect of their lives is scrutinized to make sure they are a good home. I don’t think there will be too many pedophiles missed in this “vetting” process. It’s a numbers game. I’m inclined to believe that more children will be hurt by not having a home than will be hurt by parents with evil motives.

Now, one other aspect is that people who feel homosexuality is morally wrong do not want gay people adopting in order to “recruit” new gays. Maybe this happens sometimes. I wouldn’t like it if it did. However, in the end, I think that leaving children without a home is worse than the possibility of them being raised by someone who is influencing them against their nature.

I would hope that if you feel “someone else’s” home isn’t the right place for a child, you will step out and provide the home you think kids should have. I don’t mean that in a sarcastic way. I am quite sincere. Thousands of families consider taking in an orphan every year. If only 1 family in 500 followed through, then all 115,000 kids in the US foster system would have a home. But even if you did restrict adoptions to only certain types of families, let’s say Christian families, only 1 household from every 4th church would need to adopt a child (there are over 450,000 churches in the US).

I am not being critical. (My husband and I have never adopted or taken in a foster child. We had to deal with some serious health issues.) I just urge others to not be critical. I say, let gay households take in an orphan. If you disagree, consider whether you can take in that child instead.

I have to admit that I am intrigued by large families?perhaps because we have 5 children. I had a rare opportunity to watch TV this evening and I saw a few minutes of Nanny 911. The family that was featured on this episode that aired tonight has?drum roll please?43 kids.

Jim Silcock and his wife Ann have been married for 11 years. During that time, they?ve adopted 43 boys, all of whom have special needs. I was astounded and humbled as I watched Ann care for all of these children and help her husband, who is paralyzed and in a wheelchair.

Each week, they spend around $800 on groceries alone and Annie does 40 loads of laundry a day. The family of 45 lives in a 9 bedroom, 5 bathroom house that has 2 stories and a residential elevator. New construction will add an additional 3 bedrooms, 1 bathroom, another living room, and an additional laundry. In order to make sure that all of the children are cared for, the Silcock family has several ?family helpers? who drive the children to activities and help the couple with daily tasks.

According to the information on their family website, the Silcock children have been adopted from all over the world. The couple has chosen to work with disabled boys because they feel that these children are harder to place in ?forever families?. They also are open about the fact that they haven?t ruled out adopting more children.

In addition to caring for their large family, Jim and Ann have started a non-profit organization called First Step Inc. The organization provides grants for disabled people so that they can participate in recreational activities in their communities.

As a mother of with 4 special needs children herself, I can vaguely grasp how difficult life must be for Ann and Jim. I just am finding it hard to come to terms with the reality of what life must be like with 43 children. The next time I get discouraged when my 5 are creating chaos in the house?.I think I?ll take a deep breath and think of Jim and Ann, and realize how good I have it.

Most of us at one point in time have considered giving our children ?back? to wherever they came from. A few parents I know have actually threatened their irritating teenagers or toddlers with such a punishment.

In Nebraska, parents of 35 children have done just that.

The idea is to reduce infanticide. Every state in the US has a type of safe haven law under which parents can leave their newborns at a hospital or police station, no questions asked. Though age limits vary, fifteen states only allow ?safe haven? until the baby is 3 days old. But Nebraska?s law, passed this July, has no age limit. And some parents have seen the light.

Last night, a 5-year-old boy was taken to a medical center. He is number 35 (compare that to New Jersey, which has only had 37 surrenders since 2000), and he is not the oldest child to be abandoned. The same day, a 17-year old girl and her 14-year old brother were also given to the state. The girl left before authorities could arrive. But that?s not the half of it (literally). There have been other siblings groups, including other teens. One day, an overwhelmed widowed father brought in NINE children, between the ages of 20 months and 17 years. Grandparents have brought in kids. So have people from out of state.

Unless the children have been abused physically, their parents cannot be prosecuted under this Nebraska law. So now, rather than scared teen moms dropping off babies in the middle of the night, there are parents who are just sick of their kids. No questions asked.

Nebraska?s director of Health & Human Services, Todd Landry, says, “We need to get back to the intent of the law?the protection of newborns in immediate danger of being harmed.” Ya? think?

These kids have no physical scars?yet. But most states? foster care systems are sadly overburdened and abuses occur. And I?ll bet all these kids who are old enough to know what?s up will develop some serious emotional issues.

I am actually in favor of the safe haven laws that allow newborns to be placed in state custody. I have always been an advocate of early adoption, and feel that most foster care cases could be eliminated if parents who are incapable for whatever reason would willingly surrender their children to loving adoptive homes at birth.

(But even with all of these well-intended laws, and legal access to abortion, babies are still being thrown away, right here in the US. In Maryland, this autumn, a one day-old baby was left to die in a field.)

I know there are a lot of different issues here. Back to the main one. Nebraska legislators are apparently going to revisit the law. I hope they restrict the safe haven for abandonment to newborns. What do you think?

November is National Adoption Month. If you are like most other Americans, adoption has touched you rlife in some way. And a survey conducted by the Dave Thomas Foundation reported that 39% of Americans have considered adopting themselves. Yet only 2% of families in the US actually take the leap. Why? Of course, some families decide it’s just not right for them. But others back off for reasons that, sadly, are myths.

The same study said that more than 8 out of 10 people were concerned about birthparents reclaiming their children after the adoption. However, dissolved adoptions happen in as little as 1% of cases-and that includes those dissolved by the adoptive parents. While more adoptions are interrupted before finalization, it is very rare for children to be removed from new homes. It can and does happen, but when a good agency locates and gets permission from both biological parents, this scenario is almost unheard of.

Another factor is cost. True, it can cost as much as $40,000 to adopt internationally. But many people don’t realize that you can adopt a child from foster care for little or even NO cost. Private adoptions might involve only attorney’s paperwork fees. Assistance available from individual states, and a federal tax credit also helps cover adoption costs.

Some people are scared that their child may have been kidnapped or coerced from its mother. If you work with a reputable agency, this won’t happen. And if you adopt from within the United States, you can usually meet the birthmother. In addition, the State Department has banned adoptions from nations where this is suspected.

Some people are afraid they’or others’won’t be able to accept the child as their own. Thankfully, the Dave Thomas survey also discovered that 2/3 of Americans view adoption very positively. Significant percentages of people view adoptive children as no different than biological children.

If your family has thought about adopting, but gave up the idea, take another look. It’s easy to find trustworthy information online. You just may find that all your roadblocks have been removed.

Good news! If you’re an adopting parent (as my wife and I will be, hopefully in 2009…), you know the high cost associated with the adoption process. Well, if you adopted this past year, you might actually enjoy your taxes this time around!For parents who completed the adoption process in 2007, you may be eligible for a federal tax return of up to $11,390 for qualified adoption expenses. In fact, if you started the adoption process in 2007, but won’t complete the process until this year, you may be able to claim some expenses incurred in ‘07. The tax credit runs through 2010, but there is apparently wide support to make the tax credit permanent in the future.

According to the IRS website, qualifying expenses include “reasonable and necessary adoption fees, court costs, attorney fees, traveling expenses (including amounts spent for meals and lodging while away from home), and other expenses directly related to and for which the principal purpose is the legal adoption of an eligible child.”

You should file form 8839 if you would like to claim the adoption credit.

For all the fun associated with the IRS descriptions and rules, you should check out the official IRS website. My advice is to have a glass of wine as you read, it helps keep the stress level down…

I don’t think I can.

A woman in Brighton, England has already given away seven babies and is willing to carry and give away another. She was reported to have said that, “I don’t love the baby and I don’t want the baby for myself – the baby is conceived for my couple.”

This is actually baffling for someone like me, who has seemingly loved my unborn children even before I actually conceived them. Heck, before I found someone worthy to conceive them with even.

The Free Online Dictionary defines surrogate mothers as “a woman who agrees to bear a child for another woman, either through artificial insemination by the other woman’s husband or partner or by carrying until birth the other woman’s surgically implanted fertilized egg”. In a lot of countries, surrogacy is legal provided that only the reasonable expenses are paid for by the prospective parents. These expenses include, but may not be limited to, fertility procedures, prenatal check-ups and lab tests, food allowance, vitamins and/or other drugs required by the surrogate mother. Sometimes, this may also cover a minimal allowance for the mother in case she suffers from loss of income due to the pregnancy.

Surrogate mothers come in various forms and shapes. It can be your sister, your sister-in-law, or your mother. It can be a friend or a stranger a surrogacy agency has set you up with. It can even be outsourced now. But whoever they are, they are heaven sent to couples who are unable to conceive on their own.

Now, many say that a child becomes bonded to his host, usually his mother but in this case, his surrogate mother. Firstly, it’s her voice he hears all the time. Secondly, unborn fetuses seem to share the mother’s emotions through the hormones associated with them. Some studies also suggest that mothers who felt no attachment to their unborn child are more likely to have kids with emotional problems.

So isn’t there some disconnect somehow after the baby is given up?

And yet, there have been many adoptive parents who have lovingly cared for children they didn’t conceive, proving that being a psychological parent is the more important thing to be.

Still, I really don’t think I am made of the same mettle as these surrogate mothers. It must take great courage and a really strong self-concept to be able to nurture a child within you, and then have the grace to give it up.

Are you?

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A married British couple recently found out they were twins separated at birth. When they found out the heart wrenching news, a court immediately annulled their marriage, but it hasn?t been reported yet how long the couple was married or involved. This discovery brings up issues surrounding the rights of adopted children and children conceived from donor eggs or sperm.

Many childless adults seek adoption or donors to help them become parents, but children might not learn their true origins.

The twins? sad story was revealed at a debate about human fertility and embryology law, adding to concerns raised about laws surrounding donor conception.

What is the right course of action? Parents have to consider how their child might feel if they knew they were conceived from a donor. On the other hand, traumatic situations like British couple?s might continue to happen if there isn?t full disclosure.

Adoption groups point out that today?s adoptions are much more open, and the twins are less likely to be separated now. But what about donor-conceived children? Is it fair to have the fact of their conception printed on their birth certificate (a public document)?

I think this issue brings up more questions than answers. Even if there are no adoptions or donors, many children have half-siblings they may never know about. Is it really something that government needs to get involved with? Or should it be left up to the parents?

As a single woman, I knew I wanted to have children one day, and I considered using a sperm bank. Though I didn?t choose that path to motherhood, I still know that my daughter may have siblings and cousins that neither of us will ever know about. Am I worried? Not really. There are billions of people in the world, so the likelihood she will ever marry a close relative is like finding a needle in a haystack.

What do you think? If you have an adopted child, are you concerned he may one day marry his sister? If you?ve used a donor egg or sperm, do you think it would be better for your child to know this information or not?

Seemingly adding an interesting example to the ongoing nature and nurture debate, U.S. researchers discovered a link between IQ and whether children are in foster care or in orphanages, according to their findings from a study in Romania.

According to the study, toddlers who are removed from orphanages and placed in foster care score dramatically higher on IQ tests. They say that the increase is so great in some children that it is the difference between “borderline retardation and average intelligence.” Furthermore, there is a causal impact to IQ development based on how long these children were institutionalized. Children placed in foster care prior to the age of 2 realized the greatest improvement versus those staying in the orphanage longer.

Researchers say they will examine the intelligence of the children as they grow older – noting that it is possible that they may “catch up”.

Read more about this study here.

For adopting parents like me, this study hit really close to home. My wife and I are in the queue for an orphaned girl from China. China is often very secretive about the conditions in the orphanages. From what we have learned from our Social Worker and from our adoption agency, when we actually fly to China to pick her up, it is very unlikely that we will get anywhere near the inside of the orphanage. Rather, orphanage staffers go get the girls and bring them to the families in a waiting room. That’s not to say the orphanages are substandard – but the point is, only those inside really know.

It is possible that our adopted daughter will be in foster care, however. An interesting note twist is that our Social Worker indicated if we get a girl who is coming from foster care, it’s likely that she will shun my wife for the first few months while attach to daddy. This is apparently because she will have already established a bond with one mother – her foster mother – while the men typically do not play a role in the foster care. This isn’t official research here, folks – just reporting what our Social Worker has warned us of.

We have been approved for a girl between six and twelve months of age, so we likely have little to worry about as it relates to this study. But still, your heart really goes out to the kids who aren’t placed into foster homes or adopted at a young age – it seems their development is being impacted cognitively as well as all the well documented research about social and emotional impacts of long-term orphanage placement.

Has anyone volunteered in an orphanage, here or abroad? Does anyone have foster parenting stories to share that might be relevant? Please feel free to comment!

Light bulbs, check.

Cordless drill, check.

Oh, and I might as well meet my biological mother whom I haven’t seen in 22 years.

Feel free to read the whole story, it’s a doozy. But here’s the summary – Steve Flaig, 22, was given up for adoption at birth. At 18, he started the investigation into who his biological mother was with the intention of attempting to meet her. Steve is a delivery driver at Lowe’s. After much searching, he finally discovers who his biological mother is. She’s the head cashier at Lowe’s. He’s been walking past her every day.

What are the odds of THAT? I guess I need to resurrect my faith in the state lottery and buy me a ticket.

Stories like this unearth an uneasiness that has bothered me ever since my wife and I decided to start the process of adopting a child from China. What if she wants to find her birth parents? It’s a likely scenario, frankly – and if I know myself as well as I do, I’m going to want to give this little girl every opportunity in the world at any cost. But what do I do when she asks for something as important as this – for some people, it aids in developing identity – and I know how unlikely it is that I can give it to her?

When we were accepted by our agency and put into the proverbial “queue” for a match via China, I started digging around online for information on this very subject. I stumbled across this staggeringly extensive blog post on the subject. Among all the amazing details and depth of information therein, the thing that stood out the most to me was that waiting 10-15 years to attempt to locate birth parents in China makes it virtually impossible to ever find them. The point is – adoptive parents basically need to anticipate the question and attempt to determine birth parents soon after they adopt and have the information in case the question comes up.

This really blew me away. So now I wrestle with the notion that if my little girl ever wants to know who her birth parents are – I need to do the research when she’s an infant on the remote chance I can find them. And if I do find them, I sit on this information until she asks? Do I give it to her if she doesn’t?

I can’t tell you how strange it is to love someone so unconditionally when I know she isn’t even yet conceived and she’s going to come from a country I’ve only seen on television. But I know I’m going to want to give her everything she wants – so I’m going to try and have my sluething hat on early to find her birth parents…just in case.

And hey, if I fail – I’ll just tell her to get a job at Lowe’s. They have everything.