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Morning Sickness 101 (Part 1)

morningsickness.jpgGood news: you’re pregnant!

Bad news: you’ve got morning sickness.

With my first baby, I barely had any morning sickness. I got a little queasy, but for the most part it was smooth sailing. I still empathized with those who hit the bathroom at the mere whiff of food or other insufferable smells.

Apparently I didn’t empathize enough because with my second baby I was nailed, I mean nailed with morning sickness. All. Day. Long.

Tip number 1

Morning sickness doesn’t just happen in the morning. In fact you’d be lucky if it did, then you’d be able to look forward to the afternoon.

I spent the first three months of my pregnancy on the couch. Literally. With a little brown trashcan because we don’t have a bathroom on the first floor and we don’t have a tv on the second floor.

Tip Number 2

Always keep a bucket or bag handy.

I hated the smell of everything. Food. Candles. Air fresheners. Smoke. My husband. I hated his cologne, aftershave and pretty much every smell he came around with. I swear that man went from smelling good to smelling like bologna. Remember packing bologna sandwiches in grade school? Remember the smell it would get after it had been sitting out until lunch? My poor husband smelled like warm bologna to me. Eww.

Tip Number 3

Your significant other’s scent may turn you off and turn on the heaving. Don’t worry it will pass, however they will not appreciate being told they stink on a daily basis – bad for the self-esteem.

When I did move off the couch it was to amuse other people with my wide-eyed, hand clasped over mouth, running technique. Women would look at me with a knowing smile. Friends would giggle. I swear my sister outright laughed in delight. Even my two year-old get in on the act. “Look, I’m Mommy,” she would announce. Then she would proceed to grab my “throw up bucket” and walk around retching into it. She would finish out her performance by announcing she needed to lay down and dramatically flop on the couch. Real cute. NOT!

Tip number 4

Morning sickness is not funny. Spread the word to those around you. It’s only funny after you’ve given birth and that child is walking. Then throwing up in your purse will become amusing. In the meantime, while you’re in it, people who laugh at your predicament are subject to being thrown up on. Whups!

Nothing sets off chatter among women like when you declare that you are suffering from morning sickness. They will nod and pretend to empathize long enough to launch into their life story on morning sickness. Every instance, every child, every trigger – which only serves to trigger you. Right then. Thanks lady!

Or the worse offenders – those who claim they never had it and hold on to that phrase like a badge of honor, something to taunt and torment you. Be forewarned, these are the same women who children will sleep through the night at 2 weeks, are preschool geniuses and never get dirty. I suggest you make new friends, obviously she’s either a liar or a pod person.

Tip Number 5

Don’t discuss morning sickness. Not unless you want to be bored, triggered to puke or made to feel inadequate.

Five more tips to go, but in the meantime – any thoughts on the first five?


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