Having a Baby Later in Life With Your “New” Husband
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I left my abusive, psychotic, ex spouse on October 6, 2001 with my 4 children and the clothes on our backs. Our exit was quite dramatic, and the drama continues even today, almost 7 years later.
As I began to heal and rebuild my life, I never would have thought that one day I’d be married again. Certainly, if someone told me that I’d have more children, I would have laughed hysterically. Life is stranger than fiction though, and I’m living proof.
I met my current husband at a coffee shop. We connected immediately, but the relationship evolved over time, and eventually, we decided to marry. As happens with re-marriage, there were numerous issues to discuss and work through, one of the major ones was children.
My current husband had been through years of fertility treatments with his previous wife. He was thrilled with the idea of being a step-dad to my four children, but he was very firm about the fact that he also wanted 2 biological children too. Wow. That’s exactly what I thought at the time too, wow. I had 4 biological children and frankly, wasn’t interested in going back to diapers now that my youngest was going to be 7.
Despite the fact that we never came to 100% agreement over the reproductive issue, we got married anyway. After a ‘birth control wardrobe malfunction’ accident, the issue was decided for us. I was pregnant. DH was THRILLED! We didn’t even ‘try’ and yet I was pregnant. So what else is new? I never ‘tried’; it just happened in my life.
All seemed to be progressing pretty well. On March 13, 2006, we went for a routine doctor appointment. We’d already seen our baby’s heartbeat on the ultrasound, so neither of us was concerned, but at this visit, they were unable to find the baby’s heartbeat. Our son had died in utero sometime between this appointment and my last appointment. DH and I were shocked and horrified and went through the process of burying and grieving our stillborn son.
The reality of just how difficult this whole reproductive thing could be was settling in at this point and the doctors were quite blunt. If we wanted a biological child, we needed to mourn this child, allow my body to heal and begin trying again. I was, it seemed, running out of time. This just seemed surreal to me. In my earlier years, I had no problem carrying babies and getting pregnant! Here I was a short decade later being presented with a not so glowing scenario. Poor DH! I felt so bad for him.
The Cliff Notes version of the good news was that our second son was born exactly a year later on March 13, 2007, after a highly stressful pregnancy. Since then, I’ve had several more miscarriages and DH and I are coming to terms with the fact that even IF we wanted another child, it just might not happen.
I get questions about our family all the time. Women call me to discuss their re-marriage and the whole ‘child’ issue. ‘Older’ women call because they are considering having that one last child before their biological time clock winds down. I’ve watched numerous friends who have gotten re-married struggle to conceive. I’ve mourned with those who’ve conceived and miscarried. I’ve sat with others who have birthed children with Down’s Syndrome.
I do not for an instant regret having my son or going back to the diaper bag days. I consider myself blessed that I finally have the opportunity to experience raising a child with a caring, compassionate mate. I am thrilled to be able to have another chance! When I watch my older children playing with their little brother, I smile to myself. When I see the tender look DH gives to our son as he tucks him in each night after prayers, my heart fills with unspeakable joy. I am so glad I agreed to try again after the death of our first son.
Having said all of this, I do have a few words of caution for moms in my situation. Pregnancy is incredibly different when you are 35 plus as opposed to in your early 20’s. I was so tired all the time! I also had more doctor and specialist appointments because of my, ahem, advanced age.
Certainly, it appears to be much harder to conceive when you are older, just speaking from the experiences my friends and I are having. The miscarriage rate seems to increase, and in some cases, it takes longer to conceive. I’d recommend talking to your doctor honestly about your plans if you are considering another child ‘later’ in life, as soon as possible.
Whatever you and your husband decide is best for your family, I wish you the very best as you embark on your new journey together.
