Gender Disappointment: A Common Occurrence
I remember getting pregnant and the thought of “it’s gonna be a girl” popping in my head right away. I just KNEW I would have a girl. Everyone in my family had a girl first, and most importantly, I really, really wanted one. I wanted to be able to do the ribbons and dresses thing, and all the girly things I had planned in my head.
I was lucky, it was a girl. For some moms, including a personal friend who went through four sons before finally giving up her dream of a girl, the disappointment of not getting the gender one wished for can be devastating. I know that most parents are expected to express satisfactions as long as the baby’s healthy, but gender disappointment is very common. According to this article, the depression sets in more for moms who wish for a girl and gets a boy.
Feeling the Guilt
I remember being chastised by more than one person for expressing my desire for a girl. And I know many other moms who hide their preference for the gender so as to avoid that judgment from other people. I know I learned to censor my comments after a while.
Joyce Venis, a psychiatrist nurse working with moms who suffer from gender disappointment is quoted as saying: “Just because a woman has a gender preference does not mean she is a bad mother or that she doesn’t want the child”, and that, “They have the right to want the certain sex,” she said.
And it’s true. You can’t help what you feel sometimes, but it doesn’t mean that you will not love your child. Giving up the dream of a girl is giving up the picture you had of what your family would be like. It’s giving up the dreams of dresses, and ballet, and mother-daughter bonding.
A mother does go through a type of mourning. For moms, the simple acknowledgment that their feelings are normal and that the knowledge they are not alone can be validating.
Dealing With The Disappointment
So now that you’ve received the news, how do you get over it? How do you prepare yourself for the miraculous birth of a healthy child, instead of obsessing over your loss?
- If you are already fixated on having a specific gender, try to find out the baby’s gender beforehand so you can deal with the disappointment before the baby’s birth.
- Don’t repress your feelings. Acknowledge your feelings to yourself first. Then speak withe a trusted friend or family member, aside for your spouse, who you know will be supportive and non-judgmental.
- Realize that for most moms, your feelings will subside with time. Joy will replace the initial grief you felt in a few months time, and especially once your baby comes into the world.
- Seek medical attention if you need it. For a lot of moms, postpartum depression can be a real and debilitating condition. Don’t feel guilty for any feelings you think aren’t appropriate after giving birth. You could be suffering from this very common condition, facilitated by a swing in hormones and not a product of your mind.
- There are even some steps that can be taken before conception to scientifically predetermine the sex of your child.
Last not but least, it bears repeating that your initial disappointment is normal and valid and that you need not feel an overwhelming sense of guilt about how you feel.
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9 Responses to “Gender Disappointment: A Common Occurrence”
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Shannon Katsara says...
I’m so glad you posted this. I had a feeling that when I got pregnant, it was a boy, but I really was hoping for a girl.
When we found out the sex of the baby, I was so disappointed but I kept my feelings to myself because I felt guilty for having those feelings. I’m so glad I read this article.
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Esh says...
I must say, I want to honestly believe that God gives us what we have. But where does that leaves the man. I read several different articles saying that the man is 100% responsible for the gender of babies. The men hold the key. This is why I can not say God gives us what we have. I am like in my mid 30′s and was very very disappointed when I had an ultra sound done and guess what another male. I am like WDF, I already have three. The last time I wanted and girl was when I was pregnant with the third one because I had my second son for my first son to have for a playing partner. I did not want nor wanted to be the one out of my family that have a lot of kids. It makes me feel like I am on this earth just to breed babies. My heart and the father;s heart was set on a girl nothing else. Yeah, it might not be the end of the world, but hey it is the world I am living in without my precious litlle girl I have dreamed of with ages. All I can say is that I do not think I will be able to cope with this disappointment at all and I am hoping I do not recent my son after birth.
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Sarah says...
I had wanted and prayed for a little girl so badly, I wanted that more than anything else in the world, but sadly I found out at my 5 month ultra sound that I was going to have a little boy. I was so dissapointed and cried many times, somthimes at night I still do because I am very very dissapointed, hurt and heartbroken. I was so looking forward to having a daughter, and no one can understand to what extent not being able to have one has hurt me.
Sadly I do resent my son, in fact I hate it when people tell me what a beautiful little boy I have, to me hes not beautiful, and right now, I cant imagine myself ever loving him.
What I HATE the most is that people DONT TAKE ME SERIOUSLY when I tell them I am dissapointed. They laugh and say well maybe next time…
what they dont understand is that I do not want a lot of children, and because I already have a boy which I dont want, another one would be devistating. I do have career goals, and if I got pregenant again that could ruin what little joy I might have left in my life.
So I have made up my mind that living with the pain of an unwanted boy is better than trying for a precious little girl again and not getting her.
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Julie says...
Of course now sex can be changed – so there’s no need to worry. Your unwanted son may well become the daughter you always wanted.
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Isis says...
I am glad I found this article. I thought I was wrong for having the depression I had when the u/s tech told me it was a third boy. I have also wanted a girl, only one, and now I have twin boys with a third boy on the way. I have put it in my mind that she is possibly wrong now, just so that I can have something to look forward to. I know there is a possiblity of it still being a boy, but I have to live with this for 4 more long months!
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