What is a “full-time” mom?
I have become kind of sensitive lately. You see, I am on a leave of absence from my other job;being a high school teacher. Since then, I have started hearing a lot of people say things like, ‘So you’re a full time mom now?’
That begs the question: what percent mom was I before?
Don’t get me wrong. I think staying home to raise children is the best plan for most families. But whether a woman is a stay home mom, or a working mom, doesn’t change the fact that she is a mom all day; no matter where she is.
Let me put it this way. Before my daughter was born, I had a son in elementary school and I worked 30 hours a week. Did that make me a – time mom? Or was it OK because my boy was in school?
I mean, I have a very good friend who is also a college professor. She is a wonderful person, an evangelical Christian, and yes, she chose to put her daughters in preschool. Since she is a full-time professor, is she a 0-time mom?
And another friend of mine works from home. And I don’t mean she sells make-up or craft supplies. She is a paralegal and works 50-60 hours a week. What percent mom is she? She gets the points for being home all day. But she isn’t exactly attending to her kids during that time. So, what is that?
It’s not just about priorities, either. I mean, I ‘and all of my friends’ would drop anything for the children when it comes down to it. But when does it all come down? When do we say we don’t have to give them 100% of our attention all day in order to be a full time mom? How do we decide when they ‘really’ need it? If a stay home mom ‘whose only job is to raise her children’ lets them watch a movie so she can make dinner, that’s probably OK. But is it OK if she lets them watch the movie so she can take a nap or read a book? Is she still giving her children her ‘Full Time’ attention? Nothing wrong with a nap or book – you gotta take care of yourself, they say -but that mom isn’t truly giving her kids all of her attention. If she did that a few times a week, is it any different than if she worked all day one day outside the home?
Maybe I am being too sensitive. Because even though I am not teaching, I actually do have a job at home (writing curriculum). I try to do it while my baby naps, but that doesn’t always work out. So I can’t say I m really a stay-home mom. I mean, I’m home, but I am still a working mom. And I am still a full-time mom.
I’ve started asking moms I meet, ‘Are you employed?’ because it’s all so confusing now. But the next time someone asks me if I am a full-time mom, I’m going to say, ‘Yes. And I am employed, too.’
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jennifer says...
I have ran into that same type of lets call it “small mindedness”. I got to stay home for 6 months with my son before i had to go back to work. i mean i had to go back to work or we would be living in a van down by the river!! I would dearly loved to stay home with my son, but the bills just don’t pay themselves!! Every day im at work i run into at least one person a day who thinks i am the worst mother in the world for putting my son in daycare and working. some times its just not an option to get to be at home, and people shouldn’t make me feel any less of a mom for it.
Heiddi says...
Thanks for writing this! I have always stated that I’m a full time mom. You don’t take off the title once you hit the office entrance! I don’t stop being a mom when I go to work. My motto has always been, “If my son’s okay, then I’m okay” and then I can do my job effectively. I had no choice but to work. I couldn’t stay home. I wish. Thanks again for writing this.
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Dawn says...
As a WAHM-to-be (the mom part, I’ve been working at home since 2001) I couldn’t agree more with most of your points. BUT… I do need to point out the same judgment you are accusing others of…
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If WAHMs and SAHMs and WOHMs (work-outside-the-home) don’t want to be judged by our “full-time” / part-time, whatever, why judge what careers WAHMs take? If an Avon lady can earn a salary, or even whatever her family requires in terms of income, why is that any less legit than someone who is a paralegal?
Honestly, I admire your friend for being a WAHM and putting in that many hours… those are the hours I typically put in as a freelance writer, but I’m going to have to cut back when the baby’s born. I just don’t believe I can do it.
But if my Mary Kaye lady can make enough income working 20, 30, 40 hours a week, whatever… is she not a WAHM? Does she not deserve the same respect, on the WAHM playing field, as a paralegal? Let’s look at it the other way–what percent of the “working” part of WAHM is she? (vs. the Mom part?)
Very, very good insightful post and like I said, I agree with about 90 percent of your points. It’s a tough battle… and I haven’t yet thought about how I’ll answer that question when it comes up. (Although I’m such a shameless networker, that most people who know me know I’m a freelance writer… I’m sure I’ll get a lot of: “Are you still writing?” Which I’ll answer with my standard: “Anything that pays!” LOL
Dawn
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