Staying Together For The Children’s Sake: Why I Didn’t
Our blogger Jessdel27 just published am interesting post about parents in an unhappy relationship staying together for their children’s sake.
I’ve been a single mother since April, but I’ve been a single mother emotionally since I was pregnant with my son. My ex-husband expected his dinner made, his laundry done, his shirt ironed just right, his house cleaned, his son looked after, his needs in the bedroom taken care of, that he would get to sleep in Saturday and Sunday, and then go out with his friends or drink beer or watch TV. And that I look after the baby 24/7 including getting up every hour every night for a year with the baby and why wasn’t I happy with that?
After my son started sleeping better and I finally had the energy to consider the situation and try to make changes, things got a tiny bit better. Then they got a whole lot worse.
I met a group of other moms with babies my son’s age, to have playdates with. He was incredibly jealous and didn’t like me leaving the house to see my friends. I was a stay-at-home mom at the time, so I started looking for freelance work. He complained about every second I spent writing because 1. I wasn’t cleaning/cooking/gazing at him adoringly/ironing 2. he had to watch our son with one eye while sprawling on the couch drinking beer and watching TV.
We rowed and argued and it got to the point where I dreaded him coming home from work. Monday was the best day of the week because the weekend and him in the house were over. The arguments got more heated and dread turned to fear and eventually I began to fear for my son’s and my safety.
All the time he lived with us, he barely played with his son. Towards the end, our son was scared of him. Now, after he’s moved out, he’s still filled with anger towards me (which I don’t like, but I understand) but he’s being a father to his son. Our son loves to visit his dad, and he’s sad to leave his house.
My home is much more peaceful, I have my son about 90% of the time, and we are much happier than we were when my ex-husband was here.
But it hurts to see my son missing his dad. And it’s awful that I had to make him leave the home to make him become a good father.
Leaving a relationship where there are children is not a decision to be taken lightly, because everyone will be hurt by the break-up. But I believe, in my situation, that there would have been more hurt if we had stayed together.
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Jessdel says...
I don’t think many women would have stayed under those circumstances. You were strong to leave and to be admired.
I’m glad your son is now having a relationship with his dad.
isis says...
imho, that’s not a relationship, that’s akin to slavery. Consider what your son may have had as a role model for an adult relationship, you made the wise choice. I know its hard, I was a single mother for a long time, who left her daughters’ father. I too was in an emotionally neglectful, abusive, and demanding relationship. Know you did the best thing possible for yourself and your son. Kudos to you for having the courage to leave.
Betsy says...
It’s refreshing to hear someone who is strong enough to consider their happiness and the happiness of their children! I’m just starting my 9th month of pregnancy and I asked my husband to move out a little over a month ago. I think a lot of people think I am being unreasonable or even that I am crazy. I definitely wasn’t in the same situation as you but instead am married to a child. My husband is a sweet guy but is a child. He is the kind of person who you have to tell when the lawn needs mowed or he would never do it, he lived with his parents until we were married and believe me ladies it is never a good idea to take a man straight from his mothers house. I on the other hand have been a grown up for a long time. I’m 30 YO and and have a 13 YO daughter so I’m pretty good at taking care of myself and my daughter. Everyone thinks that because I am pregnant I need to stay with my husband even though it makes me miserable. Especially now with a baby coming I can’t fathom having to take care of this almost 30 YO man, every aspect of our lives and 2 kids. I am required to be the husband, wife, father and mother and it’s just too much. It just seems overwhelming to me. He hasn’t been involved in the pregnancy since it started even though he is the one who talked me into trying for a baby. He still hasn’t helped with the doctor bills or purchased anything for the baby at all. I recently just purchased a home and he wasn’t even a part of the process. I had to work for months on cleaning up his credit… there is just no ambition there at all. I could go on for days but I’ll leave you with this. Good for you and all the people in this world who know that while it’s not going to be easy life is too short to live with someone who doesn’t make you happy!