On giving hugs and kisses and growing up
“Mom, you can’t just hug or kiss somebody. You first have to ask,” my 5-year son told me at bedtime the other day. “Who says so?” I asked, truly surprised. “K”. K is his preschool teacher. After delving further, I found out that apparently he tried to hug a classmate – a girl – who didn’t like to be hugged, and thus led to an argument.
We are a very demonstrative family and very open in showing our affection to each other. My boys love to hug and kiss and be hugged and be kissed by family and close relatives. I also noticed that they would sometimes hug people outside the family but whom they liked, be it friends, classmates, babysitters or teachers. When they started going to the daycare at age 1, they’d hug their caregivers upon arrival in the morning. At age 3 and a half, they’d give their preschool teachers good morning hugs. But thinking back now, the preschool morning ritual has now evolved into shaking hands.
I suppose kids have to learn the social norms at some stage and a lot of these they will learn at school. Conflict management, respect for other kids, when to hug and when not to hug, how to deal with the opposite sex. As adults, we know what is expected of us – which person to kiss, which person to hug, and which person to shake hands with, depending on the level and closeness of our relationship. Since coming to Europe, I have even learned to adapt depending on another person’s cultural background. Kissing on the cheek is allowed on first meetings in some cultures. It may take a lifetime till you get there in others.
But at what age should we start teaching our kids these things? My boy’s preschool teacher seems a very capable person who knows her job. Should I just follow her cue?
“K is right but that doesn’t count within our family” I told my son. “At home, we can give hugs and kisses to each other anytime we want.”
“No, mommy. You first have to ask!” he said insistently.
Sigh. My boy is growing up.
“Ok, to bed and goodnight” and I tucked him in bed.
As I headed for the door I heard a little voice say timidly from under the blankets “Mommy, can I give you a hug?” I was so preoccupied with the question at hand, I actually forgot to kiss my son goodnight! “Of course you can. And you don’t have to ask. You can give mommy a hug, anytime, anywhere. And I will the same thing to you. Is that a deal?”
All I received was a sleepy smile.
The next morning, a little bundle jumped on my bed to snuggle and kiss and hug. “Good morning, mommy!” I guess we had a deal. And my son is still a little boy.
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