I Want Another Baby
I’ve been in denial that I do, but I do, I really, really do and it hurts.
I’m a single mom of a two-year-old, dating a guy with three great kids of his own. Last night, he was cooking dinner for us all, his two teenagers, his 5-year-old and my toddler. The teenagers were hanging out in the kitchen, and the little kids were jumping up and down on my bed and shrieking. The little kids go quiet, and a few minutes later we peek into the bedroom and they are cuddled up together in bed and she’s reading him a story book.
I love that they get along so well together. She even calls him “like my little brother”.
But wouldn’t it be nice if he had a little brother or sister of his own? The boyfriend thinks it’s cute that they like each other so much. I agree, but inside my head there’s a maelstrom of crazy want for a baby and all I can think of is how much I want to make a baby – this time with someone I know is going to be a wonderful dad – and be pregnant and hold a newborn in my arms again.
Now it’s today, and I’ve just got back from dropping my son off at his dad’s house, and tried to go for a run. Every other person out running seemed to be a dad pushing a newborn in a jogging stroller. I’m aching. I had to stop running and walk home because the desire for another baby is like a pressure on my chest and I can’t even breath properly.
My son is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. I’d do anything for him. And if it turns out he’s the only child I’ll ever have, I couldn’t imagine a more perfect and wonderful little boy.
But I’m not getting any younger and I would dearly love to have another baby.
So the choice is, stick with the boyfriend and accept no more babies. Or stick with him and try to convince him to have another – even though we have no money, he’s had a vasectomy and we would then have five children between us. Or separate and take my chances looking for someone else.
I don’t know what to do.