How to Navigate Care By Grandma
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You tell Grandma, or Aunt, our even Grandpa that you’re holding off giving your dear son sweets until their 2nd birthday, and you catch them handing him a piece of candy. You tell them that your child isn’t allowed sodas at all, and your child’s face is streaked with Coke when you pick them up. They’re not allowed to play video games and you find them with a brand new Game Boy courtesy of your Mom, or in-laws.
Of course if they were your nanny, or a daycare provider, or a babysitter, you’d have sent them on their way a long time ago. How dare they ignore your request? You’re the parent! It’s a different thing to address such issues when the caregiver is your relative, who are sometimes doing it for free, and sometimes actually living with you.
How to handle conflicts like this diplomatically?
Almost anything written on this subject will say that the first thing you must do is, surprise, surprise: TALK. Sometimes, the issue doesn’t get addressed for fear of many things. Fear of anger, conflict, wanting to keep the peace, fear of hurting their feelings. It’s important to keep in mind though, that your relative isn’t a mind-reader. You have to bring up what bothers you.
When you do bring it up, do it diplomatically. Give yourself a day to simmer down if something angered you or frustrated you, so that you get a perspective on the issue, and are able to set a course of action. Try practicing what you would say, always making this about your feelings and beliefs, not their action. For example, it’s one thing to threaten Grandma that they’ll never see little Junior again if they don’t do as you ask; it’s another to explain why you would like them to follow your request, and how important it is for them to respect it.
Pick your battles well. Yes, you don’t like them playing video games, but what about banning it when you’re home and asking Grandma to limit the playtime to 1 hour when she’s with them. Then suggest activities they can do instead such as painting, visiting the park, doing puzzles. If you tout it as all being for the “good of the baby/child”, the loving Grandma or Grandpa will surely comply. Point is, there are some things you need to stick to your principles with; there are others you can let slide, and yet more you can compromise with.
If you feel that your most important wishes isn’t being met, it’s time to evaluate the situation. For whatever reason, they may steadfastly undermine your authority, and continue to ignore your requests. If that is the case, your choices is to keep letting them care for your child while you work due to convenience, or make other arrangements.
If you’re worried about the costs of alternative sitters or daycare, take a hard look at your budget. Read this article for tips on how to be a stay at home mom or dad, or cut back on some expenses so you can afford a home-based daycare, regular daycare, or private sitter. Sometimes, an arrangement that sounds good in the beginning (a trusted relative to care for your child, and less money out of your pocket), just doesn’t work in the long run. Don’t be afraid of hurting their feelings by “firing” them. It’s important that your values and wishes aren’t undermined or ignored when it comes to your child. And of course, the tension that brews when you butt heads with your relative is certainly not good for your child in the long-run.
Whatever happens, always keep in mind that Grandma/Grandpa/In-laws only wish for one thing: your child’s happiness. And you can’t really hate them for that.
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