Cry It Out or Co-sleep?
When I was pregnant, I read many baby books on the trials and joys of parenting a newborn. I received many warnings from books, and friends, about the sleepless nights ahead. In the process, I came across the much-debated Ferber Method of sleep-training your baby and the approach of Attachment Parenting.
The first method is basically leaving your baby awake in their crib at night, following a bedtime ritual, letting them cry, and never picking them up for any reason (unless they’re hurt or endangered I suppose) so they can learn to soothe themselves to sleep. You are allowed to check in on the baby at intervals to pat them only. It’s a controversial method that many Attachment Parenting (AP) followers decry. A lot of AP parents, and even those who don’t label themselves as such, believes it traumatizes the child. But many parents swear by it.
When I first read of the Ferber Method, and saw a video of a set of parents trying this method, I immediately said that this was not a method for me. I vowed never to let my baby cry it out. Fast-forward to seven months and many sleepless nights later, I can see why some parents would try it.
To contrast it with AP beliefs however, here are some key differences:
- Parents should respond to the children’s needs at night just like they do during the day
- Explore the variety of different sleeping arrangements, and choose the approach that allows you to best be responsive at night
- Remain flexible, and understand that it is developmentally appropriate and normal for babies and children to wake during the night
- Infant solitary sleep is a relatively new practice that has evolved only in the last 100 years, and co-sleeping is highly encouraged
AP parents point out that “cultures where parents routinely sleep with their children report some of the lowest SIDS rates, and in some of these cultures SIDS is non-existent”.
Dr. Ferber however, though slightly less rigid in the past about co-sleeping, still advocates establishing the baby’s independence early on in a separate crib, preferably in a separate room. And the Ferber Method definitely revolves around this assumption that the baby will be in their own crib in a separate room.
After reading extensively on both methods, I have decided to reject both labels. So many parents are already confused, not knowing which expert to believe. I was one of them, until I found that so many so-called experts are constantly coming up with conflicting results in studies.
I don’t happen to like Dr. Ferber’s rigidity, but I also don’t like being labeled and AP parent. I’m a mom. I’m Mina’s mom. We have our own routine, our own challenges, and our own unique individual baby. We do what works for us, as ultimately all parents must do.
My baby alternates co-sleeping with me and going to her crib which is in our room. I grew up that way so this method feels natural. This “independence early on” is a strangely U.S. phenomenon, though a few countries in Western Europe also practice it (at least according to a friend living in France).
I nurse, and depending on how I feel, she goes to her crib at the foot of our bed, or sleeps in between my husband and me. Sometimes I pray to the sleeping gods that she finally sleep straight until morning, because she still nurses twice a night. However, when I’m nursing her, I remember that she will not be a baby forever, and once she’s weaned and sleeping like a normal person, I will lament the fact that she’s –well– weaned and we don’t get to bond as much.
However, if it ever got to the point that I couldn’t function normally anymore because of sleep-deprivation, I certainly would not look down on the Ferber Method. But no matter what I do, I will always be listening to MY gut feelings, staying in tuned with my daughter’s progress, and then adjusting and tweaking where needed.
Besides, this sleeping thing won’t be a problem for long. Who knows of a school-age kid that isn’t a drag to wake up the morning after all? And by the teen years, most of our kids would sleep till noon if they could. 🙂
Related Post: Solutions To Help Baby Sleep
isis says...
I guess I do a hybrid… my baby boy falls asleep in my arms usually nurses to sleep, I place him in his crib. He usually sleeps on his own for 2-3 hours. when he starts to stir, daddy or I will pick him up and bring him back to bed where he spends the rest of the night with us. I never had a problem with either of my older girls sleeping alone following this method. As they start to sleep through the night, they just slept in the crib.
MrsH says...
I really like your pseudonym leaving haha. I am having to revisit this sleep issue again because we are now in a new environment and crib has yet to arrive. I’ve had to let her sleep with me and she is getting very clingy. Sigh.
Leavinglascrunchy says...
I couldn’t agree with you more. I have coslept with all of my kids but have been rethinking things. My husband and I have already talked about this, with our next child, if we should be blessed with another, we plan to do things differently. I plan to use a similar approach to you. I cosleep but I also use cry it out during nap times. I started doing this out of shear desperation. My daughter would get over tired and the only way to get her to go to sleep would be to put her in a quiet room and let her be. Now I never let her cry more than five minutes but usually that was all it took and she would be asleep. I don’t think cry it out is the most horrible thing on the planet as long as you wait till your baby is a little older and you only let her cry for five minutes or less.
I also enjoy cosleeping but what nobody tells you about is how hard it is to get the kids out of your bed once they get used to sleeping with you. I think if I had started letting my kids sleep by themselves in a crib, at least some of the time, when they were babies it would have been so much easier transitioning them out of my bed.
Science-mom says...
I think we have to find our own way and work out what`s best for kids and parents. We never co-slept but we never let our babies cry it out either. Co-sleeping with our twins was out of the question. At the beginning they were too small (premies) that my husband was scared he`d roll over them. Then they were bigger and there was not much room in our bed. So they got their own bedroom and separate cribs from the start. However, one of us is always at their side at the first peep from the babyphone. Most of the time it was me but my husband did his share, too. Sometimes I`d spend the night in the babies` room when they are restless or ill so my husband can have his 7 full hours uninterrupted. At least one of us is fit the next day and can take over.I thank my lucky stars that our twins slept through at 4 months. As our pediatrician (a lady) told me: “there must be a God caring for mothers out there. Some of the most-easy going babies I know are multiples.”
Amybee says...
I agree with doing what your gut tells you and do not agree with the Ferber method (yet do see how, out of desparation, parents would try it). I do have a different experience with my older kids, though-they have gone through stages into the elementary school years, in which they come into our bed at night. I think my 8 year old finally stopped doing this, on and off, last year. Now that no one disturbs us in the middle of the night, it’s almost time to start over with a baby on the way!…Yawn…I’m hoping for positive results from Elizabeth Pantley’s popular book: “The No Cry Sleep Solution”-you might want to check it out!
Melissa Haynie says...
I completely agree with you. My husband and I also do a strange hybrid version of attachment parenting with our 5 month old. Although I will admit that she spends most of her time co-sleeping with us. She also nurses at least twice a night and so having her in bed with us makes it super easy. I am awake when I nurse her but relaxed and still in bed. She slips right back to sleep and I do too. It works perfectly for us. We just pop her into her crib when we want a little mommy and daddy time to cuddle.