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New Mom, New Baby, New Christmas

christmasfirstbaby.jpgThere is absolutely nothing in the world that compares to holding your new baby. The bond and draw you feel knowing that they are just as much a part of you as your own two hand. The countless hours you spend carefully studying your baby’s face and every single detail you can find about them never seems to lose it’s first-time wonderment. It is exciting to feel the embrace of your child and your partner as two have all of a sudden become in a flash both one and three.

As an only child myself, I breathed a sigh of fulfillment that I would never again have to worry about growing old alone. While I think everyone has this fear from time to time, it is a fleeting but constant fear through an on only childs’ life that they will be left alone by accident or fate. I find that I can barely remember what my life was like without my daughter. She is only now turning eight weeks old and I feel like these last few months have been simultaneously the longest and shortest periods I’ve ever experienced in my life.

On one hand I am amazed that he is growing so fast and barely have time to enjoy one moment to the next before it changes, while on the other I am so excited to see her grow up and learn about her world that I almost can’t sleep at night! Sometimes at night I wake up to her soft cooing and in my drowsiness almost startle to the realization that she is no longer a figment of my childhood dreams, but a living breathing human being lying in a bassinet not feet from my bed. It almost scares me to get up and look, fearing that somehow this all had been a dream and I had imagined it all. It all feels so surreal. I feel like she has always been there waiting for her time to come into the world. I find it fascinating to think that when I was in my own mother’s womb, I had my daughters’ egg already inside of me, and within that egg the key to my family history and the sequence that will eventually make up my grandchildren.

I don’t think that you can understand the feeling of being caught in a single moment while at the same time feeling stretched across the ages until you yourself become a parent. I found my thoughts dancing over all of the nights my mother had waited up for me to come home, and all the mistakes I had made as a teenager that in one way or another hurt my family. All of those nights that I came home late and dismissed my mother’s worry and frustration with me all of a sudden came around full circle. What would I feel like if my daughter had not come home on time? Will I now be the one losing sleep waiting for the door to click open and heave a sigh of relief when the door quietly squeaks? Will I pretend that I am asleep to cover up the fact that I had been up late worrying? Will I get up and stand in my doorway as she comes upstairs to her bedroom to ask her if she is all right?

I find myself singing the same songs my mother used to lull me to sleep with, and comforting her with the same loving touch I always savored before bedtime. No matter how much you may feel like you are different from your parents, there is never a time that you feel so completely molded in their image as when you have your own child. Seeing my father hold her for the first time tonight was truly the perfect gift I could have received for Christmas. I stepped back as he pulled her into his arms and smiled down at her, her eyes lighting up as she peered up at his face as a smile grew across her lips.

All I could think about was how I used to be that small baby girl in his arms that he was smiling down at, and now I am watching him hold the baby that will carry on in his likeness and memory years after he is gone. He paused for a moment and looked up at me and softly smiled, only remarking that I would always be his little girl even if I’m not so little any more. I bit back tears and smiled back, replying that he would always be my daddy and he was going to be the best poppy in the world. After his near-fatal cancer scare earlier this year, I am so thankful that he is here with us to experience the birth of his grand daughter and relish in the quiet completeness that only a baby can bring to your heart.

Happy holidays to everyone celebrating their first Christmas with a new family, and to those dreaming of the Christmases to come, enjoy the love and warmth the togetherness allows us to experience and remember to make your memories count. Please comment back to this post and tell me what your perfect Christmas gift or moment was this year and a little bit about yourself so that we can spread the holiday cheer here at!

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