After months of waiting, the time has come and gone. For a little under a year you’ve rubbed feet, and lower back. You’ve braved various “birthing” classes and read as many books as your time allowed. You’ve been given tips from other fathers, whether solicited, or not. The moment you were waiting for has come and gone. Now, one of the most incredible moments of your life, the birth of your first child, has given way to something else. After all the preparation you’ve now set about the task of figuring out what exactly it is you’re to do with this newborn baby. And quite frankly, you’re left scratching your head like that guy in the produce aisle who stands there glazed over, seemingly overwhelmed at the enormity of what is in front of him.

Infant Bonding

It’s no secret that many men look at the early bond between mother and infant and wonder “Where do I fit in?” You look at that beautiful infant who seemingly does nothing but poop, cry, eat and sleep and wonder, “What can I do? She/he doesn’t do anything?” So, you fall back on those masculine instincts and decide that you’ll do what you know. You’ll take those gadgets you bought in anticipation of the birth and capture everything your baby does. Around this same time you also begin to imagine all the things you can do with your child when he or she is older. The footballs you’ll throw, or the suitors you’ll scare off. The first birdhouse you will build together or the father/daughter dance. All those wonderful things you’ll do when your little one “does more.” Some guys I know feel guilty for having these thoughts or feelings but for men who, by nature of the process, are not as bonded physically with the infant, these feelings are quite natural.

Allow me to offer up this notion. To reconnect, live in the moment. You see, in order to journal everything through the lens of a camera or camcorder, you have to step back from the action a bit and disconnect. To help you stay in the moment, I’ve given you something you’ll probably like…a list. Trust me, time goes by fast and before you know it you’ll be sending your new bundle of joy off to college and wondering where the time went.

Newborn Parenting: Dad’s List

• Help with breast feeding - I know you may be thinking, “What can I possibly to do help with that?” You can actually help ensure that the baby is properly “latched” on to mommy as she might not be able to tell from her angle. Prior to the actual feeding you may offer to make sure that mom has all the pillows she needs and is properly supported to comfortably feed baby. There are actually breast feeding pillows you can buy to help facilitate this, but in the absence of finances to purchase one, any pillow will do.

• Napping – I know you and mom may both be concerned about your ability to “be gentle” with baby, but I don’t think you’ll be crushing your little one any time soon, so take a nap with your baby. One of the most wonderful memories I have from when my daughter was an infant is a picture my wife took of me napping with her laying on my chest. I remember that day, dozing off, like it was yesterday and that picture only cements the wonderful bond I have had with my Princess since she was just a newborn. This benefits baby because he/she will get the chance to further become acquainted with daddy’s scent and let’s face it, this kind of tender, appropriately intimate moment never hurts!

• Include Baby – I have a friend who is a huge Patriots fan and since his infant was weeks old he has watched football games with her. Now that she’s old enough to hold her head up on her own and sit up, she sits right next to him on the couch during those marathon Sundays of football viewing. You know what? Now, she actually responds to him as he responds to the games! Just make sure that you bring baby into the game. You’ve got a captive audience. Involve baby and you’ll have a game buddy in no time. You see, you don’t need to wait for tomorrow to enjoy sports with your baby boy or girl. Today is a great day to start.

• Talk to Baby – Remember when baby was en utero and you used to talk to mommy’s tummy all the time? That doesn’t have to stop now that baby is born. Of course, you won’t be talking to the tummy any more, you actually get to talk to the baby directly so go ahead and tell him or her about all the wonderful things you’d like to do when they get older. Tell baby about your ideas and daydreams of tossing the ol’ pigskin around or donning a Tux for that Father/Daughter dance. You’ve got a captive audience and, ultimately, one which deeply desires to interact with you.

• Bathing – Last, but definitely not least, bathe baby on a regular basis. Make bath time your special time. Sing a funny song while bathing baby. Tickle your little one. This is play time for both of you and just another opportunity to nurture a bond that will hopefully last a lifetime.

The great thing about all of these tips is that not only you and baby benefit from your being “in the moment,” but mom benefits by getting a moment. She’s with baby day and night right now and getting some time to herself to sleep or do whatever she needs to recharge, will work wonders for everyone in the household.

According to a recent study by the University of Glasgow in Scotland, the more children a couple have, the happier they are.  The catch?  This only holds true for married couples.  The same children and happiness correlation didn’t apply to single, co-habiting or separated parents. The study took into account not only marital status but gender, income, age, and education.

So what seemed to explain this difference?  Dr. Luis Angeles, who headed the program had this to say:

“One is tempted to advance that children make people better off under the ‘right conditions’ — a time in life when people feel that they are ready, or at least willing, to enter parenthood…likely signal…may well be the act of marriage.”

That’s Not What I’ve Heard

This is the first study that challenges previous ones which concluded that having more children makes parents less happy, not more. However, the key with the distinction may well be the marital status of the parents.  In other words, marriage is the signal that one is ready for commitment, not just to marriage, but to family life in general.

Other interesting findings is that the happiness correlation was markedly stronger with Moms. The parents also expressed that children were one of the most important thing in their lives.

So if you and your spouse want to improve your life satisfaction? Have kids, and don’t stop at one, or even two.

School had already started here in Switzerland when the ‘walk to school’ debate started in the US in September this year. It was partly initiated by an article in the New York Times ‘Why can’t she walk to school?’ The story featured a mother who let her 7-year old girl, a second grader in upstate New York walk a block and half to school. Friends, neighbors, and families were just horrified at this apparent “lack of judgment” on the part of the mother.

In the part of the world where I live in, walking to school is the norm rather than the exception, and moms who chauffeur their kids to school, the so-called Mama-Taxis, are considered a traffic hazard frowned upon by school authorities, traffic officers, and other parents.

Why Parents are Afraid

Walking alone, even in familiar territory, presents danger to little children. The story of Little Red Riding has been our guiding lesson at a very young age. Kidnapping, pedophilia, bullying, and traffic accidents are just a few of the reason why parents would practically delivery their children right at the school doorstep and pick them up the same way. We’ve all heard the horror stories over the years of abductions and murders that have occurred.

However, because of these fears, parents would, according to the NYT, watch over their kids with unhealthy paranoia. Examples of these behaviors are:

• Parents and children sit in their cars at the end of the driveways to wait for the school bus.

• School buses are fitted with surveillance cameras.

• Parents drive to school with their kids’ names on the dashboard and children are individually escorted out by a school staff.

• People who see kids walk to school alone call the authorities.

• Parents who let their kids walk to school alone are reprimanded and are threatened to be charged with child endangerment.

What are the Benefits of Kids Walking to School?

• Walking to school builds character - It’s my kids’ way to independence.

• Walking prepares kids to navigate the world – Some experts believe that children who are chauffeured to and from school are not prepared to navigate the outside world.

• Walking is healthy – Lack of physical exercise is one of the major factors that contribute to chronic health problems and obesity in children these days. Walking to school give kids the chance to get physical exercise, get some fresh air and sunshine.

• Walking is cheaper and environmentally friendly – Gasoline  is expensive and driving adds to air pollution. According to the traffic officer, a lot of traffic accidents involving children happen because of the traffic hazards presented by Mama-Taxis.

With these things in mind, I give some tips as to how I got my kids ready for walking to school.

Make sure your child is ready -I rehearsed with my kids several times before school started. On the way to school, they have to cross the main street which is usually manned by 2 traffic guards during school days. However, they have to learn to cross on their own, just in case the guards aren’t around. If your child doesn’t feel too secure about walking alone, then walk with him or her until she gains confidence.

Choose the safest way – The safest way is not necessarily the shortest way. I showed my kids to take a way where they aren’t exposed too much to vehicular traffic. However, I did check it out several times, paying attention to hazards such as steps, dogs, water, insufficient street lighting etc. that they might encounter along the way.

Once they grow older and more street wise, I’m sure they’d take the shorter route. But that’s years away from now.

There is safety in numbers – I always emphasize this to my twin boys. They go to separate classes but they have similar schedules and the rule is: wait for each other. It is advisable that your child walks with other children even if it means making a detour. Talk to other moms and pool your kids together.

Leave the wheels at home – Bicycles, skates, and scooters, leave them at home until the kids are old enough. The safest way to get to school is walking, even though it may not be the fastest.

Make your child as visible as possible to motorists – Reflectors on jackets and school bags make children more visible to drivers. Kindergarten kids in Switzerland are required to walk the streets with some sort of reflector vests.

Do spot checks – I have to admit it. I spied on my kids during the first few weeks of school just to make sure they are alright. I also try to observe their behavior while walking. Are they being careful? I have stopped spying on them since but I do spot checks from time to time and tell them ‘I just happened to be nearby.’

Let go. And don’t feel guilty – I know a lady who’s been waging a battle for the last couple of years against her daughter, her daughter’s teachers, and her fears. She was traumatized as a child when she witnessed a friend fatally ran over by a car on the way to school. I can imagine how difficult it is for her to let go and let her daughter walk to school alone. But we cannot protect our kids forever. And we shouldn’t make our fears their fears. We have to let go at some stage, and we shouldn’t be feeling guilty either.

Not Bright Enough to Marry?

For 17-year old Kerry Robertson, what stands in her way to marriage and motherhood is her learning disabilities. Social workers already canceled her wedding to her 25-year old fiance Mark McDougall 2 days before the church ceremony. The Fife Council where Robertson lives feels that her learning disabilities render her incapable of understanding the institution of matrimony. Under such circumstances, according to Scottish Law, authorities have the right to refuse sanctioning a marriage. Her age is not a factor here because the minimum legal age for getting married is the UK is 16. Although some places require written consent from guardians of those under 18, this is not the case in Scotland where Robertson lives. Besides, Robertson’s guardian is her grandmother who doesn’t oppose the nuptials.

Not Bright Enough to be a Mother?

Robertson’s lack of mental capacity to comprehend marriage also extends to her understanding of motherhood, the authorities say. She won’t therefore be allowed to keep her baby boy after her delivery in January next year as she lacks the mental capacity to take of the baby. What about the father of the child? He, too, is not deemed eligible to keep the baby boy because he’s not legally married to Robertson in the first place.

Social Legislation Gone Awry?

To be fair, social legislations are in place to protect those who need protection. But how far should the authorities meddle in people’s affairs on the grounds of benevolence and protection?

In halting the marriage, the social services feel they are protecting Robertson from getting into something that she might do her more harm than good, something she might regret later. Well, tell that to millions of people who entered matrimony and got out again, many via messy divorces.

In taking away the baby from his mother, the social services feel they are protecting the baby. The baby will be placed in an institution and put up for adoption. Would the social institution prove to be a better alternative to a mother who wants and loves him?

What’s Social Services Have to Say?

The authorities say they cannot divulge all the details that made them reach their decisions for confidentiality reasons. However, according to a spokesperson, they try to “balance risk and welfare while supporting people at times of personal or family need.” Platitude or genuine concern?

What the Couple Has to Say

According to Robertson and her fiance, Robertson’s learning disabilities are “mild”. She can read and write and she is “loving and caring” and “enjoys being pregnant. They already named the unborn baby boy Ben.

Social Services Mean Well But…

We may never know everything about this affair or hear what the full truth from both sides. But we know for sure that this isn’t the first time nor last time that social services or child protection authorities interfere with people’s lives for the “right” reasons. In most cases they succeed. Think about how many children are rescued from their abusive parents each year. But in some cases they fail.

Take the following cases:

• A teenager who committed sexual offenses was placed by social services in a foster family in Wales who wasn’t informed of his personal history. He sexually abused the family’s two young children. In protecting the teenage boy, social services failed to protect the foster family.

• In the US, a 5-year old girl and her younger sister were taken away from their birth mother and placed in a foster family. The 5-year old was found dead in the foster family’s cellar. She was restrained in a high chair with duct tape and died of asphyxiation. The foster mother was a respected case worker at Maine Department of Human Services.

• More painful is the plight of Australia’s stolen generation wherein aborigine children were taken away from their parents to be raised in a “civilized” way.

Do you think social services have the right to stop Robertson’s marriage?

To take away the baby from parents who want him?

I used to be an office-based working mom. Currently I am a work at home mom (wahm), which unfortunately, many people don’t take seriously as work. But I am a working mom and my kids are at a childcare facility while I am typing this on my home computer.

It is with trepidation that I present the results of a study here that will surely illicit strong reactions from other working moms out there, reactions that may probably range from outrage, defensiveness, to guilt.

Kids of Working Moms Are Less Healthy

It’s true, according to a study reported by MSNBC. British researchers looked at 12,500 children aged 9 months to 5 years and analyzed their dietary habits and physical activity. The results showed that kids of working moms, regardless of their race, maternal education, job level or whether they are working full time or part-time, are less healthy. For example, they are more likely to eat junk food and spend more time in front of the TV or the computer. In addition, they are more likely to be driven to school and snack on chips and sweetened drinks. The researchers put the blame on the time constraints of working moms.

Now, before we overreact and blast the researchers for their bias against working women, let’s take a deep breath and look at ourselves and our family whether there is any truth to their findings. And if your first thought would be “I don’t have time for this,” then they’re right.¨

I suggest that we take the results of the study as a constructive criticism and an opportunity to check out our current lifestyle. There is a lot that we can do and here are my suggestions:

What’s in the Fridge?

If there’s no or very little produce in your fridge or in your pantry, then you have to rethink your family’s dietary habits. There are fresh produce that keeps long and this includes tomatoes, cucumber, bananas capsicum, and apples. Incorporate these into your shopping list and weekly menus.

What’s in Your Child’s Lunchbox?

If there are only potato chips, cookies or peanut butter sandwiches in there, then there’s something missing. An apple or a banana would be a health addition. Apples are especially great – they keep, they are sturdy, and can fit in a pocket. Choose the sweet varieties such as gala, pink lady or golden delicious.

Junk Food

Another British study reported that people who consume too much sweets as children have a tendency towards aggression in adulthood. So why do some of us keep buying junk food for our family against our better judgement? Some suggest it may be guilt, that those treats are our way of saying sorry for not spending enough time with our kids. Some people think if they don’t get it at home, they’ll get it somewhere else. In a previous post, I’ve listed some tips on children’s nutrition.

Communicate With Your Child.

How did his/her day go? If it’s just all about TV shows or video games, then it’s time to look for alternatives. What about a sports club? Soccer and tennis camps during the holidays? Active family outings on the weekends? Don’t wait until your child becomes overweight. The earlier they start the better.

Childcare

It is not easy to find the perfect childcare provider but we should make the effort to monitor what kind of care is being provided. My twin boys started at a daycare at 12 months, preschool-daycare at 3 years. Now at 1st grade, they attend after school childcare provided by our town. In other words, I’ve had experience about checking out childcare facilities. I, for one, wouldn’t go for a daycare with a TV set. I talk to the caregivers about the daily activities and compare their version with my child’s version. It’s not that I don’t trust them. I simply want to know whether I am getting my money’s worth. Yes, I pay for childcare and I make sure that as the customer, my child gets what he/she needs in terms of healthy food and physical exercise. The same goes if you have a nanny or a babysitter coming in. I am not saying you have to install a nanny cam at home but if we need crosschecks at work, there should also be some at home.

Some of us may not have the means to pay for childcare. A family member such as grandma or aunt might have to pitch in to help with the child care. Check their dietary and exercise habits. Talk to them about nutrition and health. A healthy child needs a healthy caregiver.

Look Within

Your diet and physical activity level reflects that of your family. What you eat at breakfast and at suppertime, your children eat. You are their role model and they learn your good and bad habits. A workout or a run is a great way to wind down. But how do you include your children into your adult exercise routine? Do cycling or inline skating together. I am not keen on both so my kids do either why I jog along side. It helps me keep up my pace. Check out Mrs.H’s list of habits of a healthy family.

I know that as working moms, we are juggling too many things at the same time: motherhood, job, marriage. It is difficult to be a career woman and the perfect mom at the same time. But hey, it’s not about being perfect that counts. It’s about being happy and healthy.

Spanking then

Spanking is supposedly a thing of the past. Just a generation ago, spanking was a common form of discipline. I remember being spanked a couple of times although I don’t think that I was especially problematic as a child. I also remember, coming from a big family with 6 children, that my parents set “age limits” – when kids are too young or too old to be spanked but can’t remember the ages. I never resented my parents for the spankings as long as they were fair and consistent. It was then part of life, part of childhood. I also believe that the spanking didn’t do me any damage but some psychoanalysts think differently.

Spanking now

Spanking nowadays is looked upon as an unacceptable form of corporal punishment. Several research studies report that physical discipline damages the psyche of the child, leading to psychological problems. The new social norm as well as scientific evidence against spanking might be the reasons why I don’t spank my children. It’s not about “I don’t want you to suffer through what I did as a child.” I can’t also claim that my mom loved me less than I love my own kids.

Although the general opinion is that spanking is out, it is still quite widespread in some places and experts are still divided about its costs and benefits. Here are the pros and cons.

Spanking? No way!

Two new studies published in the journal Child Development report that children who experienced physical discipline are more likely to have behavioral problems as adolescents. Associated to the practice of physical discipline are:

• low income

• low educational attainment of the mother

• single parenthood

• family stress

• living in a dangerous neighborhood

However, conservative religious beliefs also seem to promote spanking.

One study, led by Lisa Berlin of the Center for Child and Family Policy at Duke University suggests (as reported by CNN) that

• Spanking reinforces negative memories.

• Spanking is linked to lower scores in mental development test in 3-year olds

• Spanking predicts aggressive behavior

What I find surprising (and appalling) about the study findings is the fact that children as young as 1 year are being spanked.

Spanking? Why not?

On the flip side, there are also studies which claim that spanking is not that bad.

Robert Larzelere, associate professor of human development and family science at Oklahoma State University based on his research claims:

• Spanking is an effective disciplinary method.

• There is no causal link between spanking and behavioral problems.

• The best use of spanking is at the ages between 2 and 6 in cases milder discipline tactics, such as time out, do not work.

Is physical discipline passed down in families?

Another study reports that current day moms are more likely to follow their own moms’ parenting practices than current day dads from their parents. The researchers looked at three parenting behaviors, namely spanking, physical affection, and reading to their children. Their results showed that moms of today tended to follow closely what their mothers did in all 3 behaviors. In the case of spanking, it is interesting to note that mommies who were spanked as child are more likely to spank their kids compared to daddies spanked as a child. In fact, there is no connection whatsoever in the parenting behavior of today’s daddies compared to their own moms behavior except in the spanking issue. And on this aspect, they moved the opposite way.

Interesting as these results maybe, I can only speak for myself if I say “No, I don’t follow my mom’s parenting style”, especially in terms of spanking and reading. But then, the circumstances were different then. My mom had less income, lower education and more children to take care of.

What I would love to know is what the next generation of parents and scientists have to say about spanking in thirty, forty years’ time…

So what do you think about spanking?

We’ve been visiting a child psychologist  for the past few months in an attempt to help my young son cope with his father going away on military assignment, so I’m learning a lot about the best ways to ask for compliance from him.

I’ll pause while everyone chuckles over the idea of trying to get consistent compliance from a young child. Go ahead; I’ll wait.

Although I’ve been somewhat skeptical about some of the psychologist’s instructions, some of the things she has taught me have worked so well that I wonder why in the world I hadn’t heard about them before. One of the methods I learned from her recently was the 5 Second Rule.

What’s the 5 Second Rule?

I’m glad you asked. The psychologist and I were talking about how sometimes it seems as though my son simply ignores my requests, such as to pick up his toy or to hold my hand in a parking lot. She explained to me that children of this age may take a little longer to process a request, which I understand, and then she told me that after I make a request I am supposed to count to five in my head before asking again. She told me that I will be surprised at how effective this method is.

So here I am thinking to myself, “Count to five? What good will that do?” Since I am determined to do whatever I can to make life easier for my son while his dad is away, though, I tell myself I’ll give it a shot. In fact, I got my first opportunity as we were leaving the psychologist’s office. He stopped short of the door so I said, “Please go to the door, buddy.” Instead of quickly following this with my normal, “Come on!” or “Let’s go!” or my default, “Dude, listen to me!” I merely counted in my head: “1-2-3-4-5.”

Something very interesting happened. Right around the time I got to 4, he started moving toward the door. It was as if I had just witnessed his cognitive processes humming along and had unlocked a secret timeline.

I tried it again when we got home. I opened his car door and said, “Please get out of the car.” As usual, he sat there thumbing through his books, but instead of pulling him out of the car myself I counted in my head again. Right before I made it to 5, he started getting out of his seat.

The psychologist says it’s crucial to not do the counting aloud, or to even reveal to your child that you’re counting in your head because this will give your child something to challenge. Instead, it’s an internal gauge that you use before you repeat your request.

I’m not saying it works all the time, but until I started using this method I didn’t realize how quick I am to repeat a request. Now that I’ve started counting in my head, we have a lot less pleading from me and fewer protests from him.

Here’s something that single parents everywhere may rejoice over: In a recent study done by an Ohio State University professor, they found no difference in school performance between children of single parents and those of two-parent homes.  (Provided that the children come from stable homes.)

Providing a Stable Home is Key

The study gathers data from 5,000 families across three decades.  Their findings suggest that stability in family life seems to have more correlation with children’s low stress levels, performance in school, and in low incidence of behavioral issues.  A two-parent household that was mostly dysfunctional proved just as disruptive to a child’s well-being as divorce.

The Downside

Marriage or remarriage of said single parent can be just as disruptive.  This was stated in a University press release: “Based on this study, we can’t say for sure that marriage will be a good thing for the children of single mothers [or fathers], particularly if the marriage is unhealthy and does not last“.

The Exception

The only exception in the study was found among black children, where children from two-parent homes consistently scored better in math and reading tests.

Despite the caveats, I think it’s safe to say that stability — in routine, in caregivers – as well as a loving and enriching environment is still the best way to ensure that children are happy, productive and successful in school.  And most improtantly, in life.

September marks several nutrition-related health observances and I would like to take this opportunity to touch on family nutrition. Specifically, the most common questions that parents ask regarding their children’s diet.

How much fruit and vegetables do children need?

We all know that our kids need fruit and veggies and we struggle everyday, trying to win the feeding/eating war. But do we know how much our kids really need? The common nutritional advice is that we need 5 servings of fresh fruit and veggies each day. Easy enough except that how big is a serving? Is a serving the same for a child and for an adult? The Centers for Disease Prevention and Control (CDC) has a great tool in calculating the amount of fruit and veggies everybody above the age of 2 needs. By just entering your age, gender, and physical activity, you get your personal food requirements result in terms of cups. What’s more, it even tells you what amounts to a cup. Finally, the sites also has recipes, and features “Fruit and Veggies” of the month. It’s chili peppers and figs for September.

Which products should you buy?

Starting August, the food industry in the US has adapted the so-called green checkmark. The checkmark is part of Smart Choices Program, a US-wide collaboration of scientists, health advocates and food industry representatives to help consumers make healthier choices at the supermarket.

In order to use the green checkmark, food products need to meet certain criteria (Nutrition Criteria for the Smart Choices Program) set by Smart Choices. The program is implemented by the American Society for Nutrition, which also makes sure of maintaining the scientific integrity of the program and checking for conflicts of interest. The standards for the greencheck are based on:

• Nutrients that need to be limited, e.g. fats, sugar, and sodium

• Nutrients that need to be enforced, e.g. vitamins, minerals, and fiber)

• Food groups that to be encouraged, e.g. fruits and vegetables, whole grains, fat-free dairy products

All in all, the criteria cover 19 categories for products found in the supermarket, including cereals, processed fruits and vegetables, breads and pasta, meat, dairy, snacks, and sauces and dressings.

In addition to the greencheck mark, the food manufacturer is already required to display on the front of the package the calorie per serving and the number of servings per package to help us keep to our daily calorie needs.

Do we need to restrict our kids’ diet?

Forbidding certain types of food has high chances of backfiring, according to a study by obesity experts at Pennsylvania State University. It seems that the key factor in weight control is a child’s inhibitory control, which is similar to self-control. Those who lack self-regulation are most likely to be overweight before the age of 15. Low self-control combined with strong parental restriction seem to be a dangerous combination that drives the child towards the forbidden, and therefore more attractive food. Tips to reinforce your child’s inhibitory control are:

• Do not keep restricted food in the house, thus lessening the necessity to “forbid.”

• Find healthier alternatives, e.g. sugar-free or fat-free version of the forbidden snacks (see below).

• Provide different choices. Rather than telling your child “eat this, eat that”, it is better to ask “which would you prefer, the pear or the apple?” Take him/her to the supermarket and allow him to choose something that meets certain criteria (such as the abovementioned greecheckmark). By giving your child the right to choose within certain limits, you give him/her some degree of control over his/her diet.

What about snacks?

Snacking is not that bad. A recent study shows that many of the snacks that kids love – including popcorn – actually contains lots of antioxidants called polyphenols. And whole grain cereals, in addition to fibers, have comparable antioxidant content to fruit and vegetables. However, it is easy to binge on snacks and cereals, according to the researchers. Breakfast cereals contain lots of sugar and salty snacks contain lots of sodium. The key therefore is moderation and keeping to the suggested serving sizes.

For the record, I am a military wife and my husband is set to deploy to Iraq in two months. He leaves today actually, for some additional training and briefing.  We have a two-year old daughter.

A recent study reveals that children of  U.S. Veterans who have been deployed to Afghanistan and Iraq are showing elevated signs of anxiety and many other emotional difficulties.   The study, based on a questionnaire and published in the Journal of Developmental and Behaviroal Pediatrics, followed 116 spouses and children of deployed Army personnel.  The results of the questionnaire found higher incidences of anxiety, of being worried and crying at a higher rate in military children; about twice the U.S. norm.

The results also found high-levels of stress in the spouses –mostly mothers– left behind.  Could this be playing the major role in their kids’ anxiety issues?  The researchers seem to think so.  They found that spouses who reported having access to support groups reported less stress for themselves and their children.

What Support is Available for the Military Spouse?

I’m glad to say that the study results ends on a high note by giving families insight on how they can ease the separation.  Aside from seeking support from church groups, family members and friends, the military has created a site, MilitaryOneSource.com that offers a plethora of help and resources for military families.  They offer, among other things:

• Support on the phone available 24/7
• Medical counseling
• Learning materials in the form of webinars, CDs, web links
• Discussion boards where families can log in and ask questions, state concerns towards others who have been through, or are going through, the same experience.

That’s just one of many.  Through the site, I found information on summer programs for children, financial help such as getting discounts for daycare, etc.  The information here is invaluable to military families.  If you’re a military spouse, or if you know someone who is, spread the news about the Military One Source site, as many military families still do not know of existence.

The new figures regarding how much it costs to raise a child from birth through high school are out, and before you read the figure you might want to sit down or maybe brace yourself against something sturdy.

So What is the Cost of Raising a Child? $291,570.

Don’t panic. Let’s put this into perspective. This amount of money is over a long period of time. Seventeen years of expenses will certainly add up, no matter what the expenses. Take, for example, my daily drive through Starbucks. I usually get myself a coffee and some juice or milk for my kids, so it’s usually a daily expense of around $6. If I do this every day for a week (and don’t splurge on a Venti or a cookie for my kids to split) the weekly expense equals around $42, $168 a month, and $2016 a year. So it may cost me nearly three hundred thousand dollars over seventeen years to raise my child, but when you consider I’m spending around $34,272 over that same period of time just to feed my coffee habit, I think the perspective becomes a little clearer.

In other words, everything costs a lot when you do it for seventeen years straight.

Yes, Children are Expensive

Don’t let the numbers throw you. After all, we all know that diapers and clothes can get quite expensive, and there are some baby items a parent just can’t live without, but there are plenty of ways to curtail these costs. Really, does your child need the most expensive brand of diapers? Have you looked around for FREE Diaper offers or FREE Diaper Coupons? Does your baby really need to sport the latest designer fashions? If you are in a panic over the estimated cost of raising a child, realize that the figure isn’t a promise; it’s just an estimate, and there are ways to reduce these numbers.

You should also keep in mind that the figure varies according to your income level. Parents who have more money tend to spend more money on their kids, so if you have a low income you may never reach the $291,570 figure even though you adequately care for your child for seventeen years. Likewise, if you have an enviable income level and you insist on spending with reckless abandon for your child, chances are you will exceed the $291,570 long before your child’s seventeenth birthday.

Yes, Children are Expensive. Yes, you will undoubtedly spend ridiculous amounts of money on your child at one time or another. Don’t let the numbers throw you into a panic, though. Oh, and don’t fall into the same trap as I have and wind up in the coffee drive-thru every day, because that’s not the smartest financial decision to make, with or without children.

News about the death of the one time “oldest mother” at age 69, leaving behind her 31-month old twin boys, added sparks to the ongoing debate about age and parenthood. The question is basically “How old is too old to have a baby?” The answer has always been left for the biological clock to decide, a clock which seems to tick faster for women than for men. The latest developments in assisted reproduction and in vitro fertilization, however, enabled women to slow down their clock and put off childbearing as late as possible.

One major objection to advanced maternal age is the risk of leaving children motherless at a very young age, as now confirmed by the 69-year old mom’s death.

However, many people think it’s unfair that the age-parenthood question is always argued against women but seldom in men. What about the risk of leaving children fatherless and unprovided for? There are quite a number of men of “advanced paternal age” out there.

Take for instance Momlogic’s list of old celebrity daddies with little kiddies:

• Woody Allen, 73
  Manzie Tio Allen, 8

• David Letterman, 61
  Harry Joseph Letterman, 5

• Donald Trump, 62
  Barron William Trump, 2

• Larry King, 75
  Cannon Edward King, 8

• Mick Jagger, 65
  Lucas Jagger, 9

• Paul McCartney, 66
  Beatrice Milly McCartney, 5

• Rod Stewart, 63
  Alastair Wallace, 3

• Sylvester Stallone, 62
  Scarlet Rose Stallone, 6

I add here my own list of older fathers from Hollywood.

• Michael Douglas, 64, has 3 kids, the two youngest with wife Catherine Zeta Jones. Their youngest is a girl Carys Zeta, age 6.

• Mel Gibson, 53, is not really the oldest but he is one of the most prolific. He has 7 children with ex-wife Robyn and his current girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva is expecting his 8^th child in the fall.

• Clint Eastwood supposedly fathered at least 7 children. The youngest is Morgan Eastwood, born in 1996 when her dad was 66. Her mom is Dina Ruiz, 35 years younger than Eastwood.

• Sir Michael John Gambon or rather, Professor Dumbledore. The stage and film Irish actor playing the part in the Harry Potter films. The 68-year old has three boys ranging from 44 to 2 weeks old.

• Hugh Hefner was 65 when his now 18-year old son Cooper was born in 1991. The 83-year old Playboy publisher has 4 children.

• Anthony Quinn. The oldest (if you exclude J. Howard Marshall) and the most prolific who supposedly fathered 10 children with 4 women. He was 81 years old when his youngest was born in 1996.

Although these old men are less likely to leave their little kids unprovided for, kids, too, need their dads in the early years of their life.

Can you add somebody to the list? Do you think it’s fair that there’s no age limit to fatherhood?

It sounds like the title of a horror movie: when baby shrieks. But this is no horror movie, this is our current reality. Our baby shrieks. Loudly. And in public.

He has just passed six months of age, so we are hoping that this is just another phase and not a long lasting event. Thankfully, it happens most often at home, although my husband had a rather embarrassing time of it on the last trip to the grocery store – while he was pushing baby in the stroller and pulling the cart behind him, our son was shrieking up a storm in the aisles, causing heads to turn and for many people to quickly get out of the way.

Most people say that the shrieking is a normal part of babies development and common at around six to eight months of age. It can be chalked up to discomfort, inability to communicate, or even happiness – many babies will shriek and then smile or laugh. Others say that it’s just a way for baby to communicate and to test out his or her lungs and vocal chords. Baby is seeing what he or she is capable of doing – and the reaction that Mom or Dad might give. (Of course, it’s always wise to check with your pediatrician to make sure that the shrieking or any other unusual behavior isn’t anything serious.)

Why does baby shriek?

When our baby starts shrieking, it’s usually because he is tired, hungry, uncomfortable or a combination of these. We’ve found a few ways to tone down the shrieks and calm him down.

• Food. A nursing session never fails to calm down my baby. Sometimes even just a few minutes helps him to relax and calm down.

• Distraction. Sometimes baby will complain due to overstimulation or simply boredom. Try giving him or her something else to do – put him down on the (clean) floor to explore and see things from a different angle; put him in the Bumbo seat or infant carrier/car seat or baby swing; or give her a new toy to play with.

• Motion. For many babies, motion is soothing. We have found that our little one relaxes from swinging or other movement, such as a ride in the car or in his stroller. In fact, many times the motion will relax him so much that he will fall asleep.

A shrieking baby can be disconcerting. However, it isn’t necessarily something to worry about – and, most times, a few simple actions can calm him.

We just went through a night of heavy storms. While my husband and I usually enjoy the light show of a good summertime thunderstorm, this one was a doozy. Severe thunderstorm watches turned into warnings until finally the dreaded tornado warning was issued.

While we weren’t afraid, our toddler-age daughter was; the thunder was booming, the lightning was like a strobe light outside and, through it all, the tornado siren sounded its eerie whine. At one point in the late afternoon, the sky was dark as night and the street lights came on, our daughter wouldn’t leave our sides.

How to Weather the Storm

• First of all, seek shelter and be safe. Stay indoors and away from windows and electrical appliances – lightning can travel through pipes and electrical outlets. Explain to kids that they are safe inside.
• Acknowledge the fear. If your child is afraid, let him or her be afraid – don’t ignore it or belittle them. Try to talk to them about it, such as what it is exactly that they are afraid of. Just verbalizing the fear might help to reduce it.

• Explain what’s going on. Talk to your children about thunder and lightning, such as what causes them.

• Tune out. While it might be interesting to you to watch the minute-by-minute storm coverage on television, your kids probably don’t need it. They might not understand that what they are seeing on television is not happening right outside the window, and having the TV on can make them more anxious or afraid.

• Have a plan – and get the kids involved. Together, gather an emergency kit for severe weather, including a battery-powered or hand-crank flashlight, a weather radio, water and snacks, and other basics. Designate a certain area of the basement as a storm shelter and practice using it. Planning ahead and being involved can give kids a sense of control over the events.

• Give comfort. Obviously, a parent should try to comfort a frightened child. Stay close to him or her, hug them, and reassure them during the storm. We sat with our daughter and read a favorite book with her, which distracted her from the storms and reassured her. Other ideas are to do crafts, sing, dance, or anything else that might take your child’s mind off of the storms outside.

• Learn about storms. Take your child to the library to read age-appropriate books about clouds and storms. In addition, you can help your child to create his own story about storms. Have him draw the pictures, and help write the story.

Most importantly, if you are afraid of storms, don’t show it – kids quickly pick up on parents’ feelings, and if you are calm and reassuring, your child is more likely to relax.

My first born is now five and a half years old, and she never ceases to amaze me with her brilliance. Okay, so that may sound like a bit of an exaggeration, but she is smart, social and creative, so it’s easy to go on and on about how proud I am of her.

First Born Baby Characteristics

She exhibits all the classic signs of a first born. She’s quick to take charge, she is assertive, and she excels when it comes to learning new things. So I suppose the question then becomes this: Is she this way because she was my first born child, and if so, is it a biological thing or is it because of all the extra attention she got from me in her first nineteen months of life until her brother was born?

I have a degree in psychology, so I’m reluctant to just shrug my shoulders and say, “she’s the way she is because that’s the way it goes with first borns.” I want to know why she is the way she is. That’s why my interest really perked up when I read an article written about whether so-called first born tendencies actually have any basis of scientific fact or if these tendencies are just myths passed on from parent to parent over the years.

The information was intriguing. Studies have been conducted to find out about the influence of a person’s birth order with regards to personality tendencies and eventual success as an adult. Apparently there are plenty of conflicting views when it comes to this particular topic. Here are some of the most interesting things from these studies:

First born children tend to have a higher IQ

First borns predominately have higher IQs than their younger siblings. This isn’t always the case because there are always exceptions to the rules, but in the majority of instances it’s the eldest sibling with the higher IQ.

Nature or Nurture? While some research suggests that a first born acquires their personality tendencies from a biological source (genetics, hormones in the mother’s womb that are then diluted for each subsequent baby, etc), other studies point to the environment in which the child is raised.

Do I have higher expectations for my first child?

Am I more critical of her than I am of him? Yes, I think I am, and I wonder if I sometimes expect less from my son at his age than I did of my daughter at the same age. In other words, while my daughter (the oldest) is always expected to be an example to my son, does my son (the youngest) merrily skate along under the umbrella of “Baby of the Family?”

I’m going to mull over all the research from the article and try to take a more critical look at how I view my kids. It’s not that I don’t want my daughter to be a leader and to be academically brilliant (can you say college scholarship?) but I don’t want her to be this way because I forced her into it. I want her to be who she wants to be, and the same goes for my son, regardless of what order they were born.

The sad thing about moms and makeup, is just when we are at our most sleep deprived and exhausted and haggard looking and most in need of the help from makeup, we are too sleep deprived and exhausted to apply any.

But that’s OK. And anyone who doesn’t forgive a new mom for not looking sparkly and at her best is, to put it politely, a ratbag. New moms should be allowed to focus on their babies, not fuss with foundation. And do you know what? Your newborn baby thinks you are the most wonderful thing he/she has ever seen. And that’s even with two hours of sleep and no makeup.

And it doesn’t necessarily get much easier as babies get older. My pre-baby makeup routine was either none (by day) or excessive (by night). Now I have a son and don’t get to go out at night much, and if I do there’s a mad rush to find at least clothes that are not stained by drool and sandbox sand so makeup tends to be reduced to a few swipes of mascara.

Occasionally I manage a little eyeliner during the day, but makeup has definitely become an optional extra with little kids. I leave my eyeliner and mascara next to my toothbrush so I see it in the mornings, and if I feel like it, it’s easy to put a little on.

Now my son is three and I’m used to not wearing it. Hanging out with other moms who are all in the same boat as me and don’t have time to put on makeup either makes me feel more comfortable without it. I love my non-mom friends, but I always feel just a little dowdy compared to them, even though I know that they have more time for grooming, and a steadier hand to apply eyeshadow without a toddler climbing up their leg shouting Mommieeeeeeeee! But I much prefer no makeup and having my beautiful son.

Perhaps the solution for moms who do want to wear makeup is to train their children to apply it for them? Obviously, most moms will be wanting a more subtle look, but I think the theory is a good one… My son is very keen on putting mascara on me, once redirected to put it in the right place. Consider it one of many games to develop motor skills, and benefit for mom. Would you let your kids try doing your daytime makeup look?

This weekend I met an inspiring mother of  an adult and it got me thinking about what kind of a mom I hope to be when my son is grown up.

The mom I met was out rock climbing. She was standing on the edge of a cliff in a state park about an hour out of the city, holding armfuls of climbing gear, enjoying the beautiful day, the beautiful scenery, and doing something she loved. She taught me to set up climbing anchors at the cliff tops, I lent her some of my gear, and we all climbed together for the rest of the day, and heard her stories about sleeping in a sleeping bag roped to the side of a cliff half-way up a mountain, and other daring tales.

Her son is in his mid-twenties, and she’d been climbing for over 30 years. Climbing is something I’m very passionate about and it was wonderful to meet someone who has kept up her passion through motherhood.

Our lives change so much when we become moms, and often many of the things we do for ourselves get lost, or there is no time to do the hobbies and interests we used to have. I hope I can maintain some of the things I’m passionate about as well as being a mother. And I hope one day I’ll be old and wise, and I can help others and share knowledge and experience as generously as the mom I met does.

Maybe my son will love climbing too, maybe he won’t, I’d love to share that with him if he does, but whatever he is passionate about, I hope that I will be as good at supporting him, and also helping him to find a balance between doing things he loves and doing things he needs to do (like school).

And when he’s all grown up, and off doing his own things, I hope he’ll let me know what he’s doing, even if it’s something I don’t understand (and it probably will – who knows what kids of 2030 will be into?) and I’m sure I’ll be very proud of him. And I hope he’ll feel that however grown up he is, that his mom will always be his mom.

What kind of mom do you think you’ll be as your children grow, and when they are grown up? How do you maintain doing the things that you love?

It may seem somethings straight out of the Jungle Book or Tarzan but there is nothing cute or romantic about the plight of the 5-year old Russian girl Natasha who was raised by dogs and cats – right within the four walls of her home. She was found in a little flat in Siberia whom she shares with her father, grandparents, and other relatives. Despite the presence of adults in this remote Siberian household, the motherless child – the mother is alive but not living at home – is apparently constantly left alone with the animals. It is speculated that she may never have left the flat at all. Natascha shows the classical signs of “feral upbringing”, also called the “Mowgli Syndrome” – she barks, lunges and eats like a dog. She understands Russian but can’t speak and communicates through barking instead.

There have been stories of feral children – in myths but also real documented cases. The most popular are Tarzan of the Apes and Mowgli of the Jungle Book. Feral children lack the social skills that children with normal upbringing learn during the first years of their lives. They may not be able to walk upright and definitely have undeveloped language skills.

The Russian authorities have removed the girl from her home and placed in an orphanage. Her parents may face charges of child negligence and abuse. I really hope that wherever she is now, Natascha is getting the physical and psychological care that she needs.

Great Britain is trying to come to grips with the extremes of parenthood – first the 13-year father (Alfie) and now the 66-year mother Elizabeth Adeney.

Elizabeth shocked the country when she decided to have a child at the advanced age of 66 – when most women of her age are easing into retirement and coping with the empty nest syndrome. Apparently for the successful career woman, nesting has just started. She reportedly has already delivered her son on Tuesday this week by C-section. Her case highlights the controversies surrounding assisted production, medical tourism, and the laws governing these. Apparently, Elizabeth had in vitro fertilization outside the UK where the age limit is 50. Should her act of circumventing the law through medical tourism be considered illegal? Elizabeth reportedly received hate mails about her decision to have a child.

Elizabeth’s case brought out the question as to when is a mother too old to have a child?

For many people, the answer is clear – the biological clock decides. There are others, however, who believe in taking advantage of what science has to offer. After all, even in the Bible, there is the case of Sarah who delivered Isaac at the very ripe age of 80+.

Many people are also bringing up the gender question – when is a father too old to be a father? Think of Anthony Quinn, Larry King, and J. Howard Marshall. Is anybody complaining at all?

What do you think? When is it too old to have a child?

I’m sorry if I haven’t posted during the last couple of days. You see, it has been a long weekend in our corner of the woods (Thursday till Sunday) so we took this opportunity to travel and introduce to our almost six-year-old twins to another milestone – staying at a youth hostel.

My husband and I love traveling and we have so far visited more than 40 countries in 6 continents. Then we had kids and we had to cut down on exploring unknown territories and restrict our vacations in the security and predictability of family-oriented hotels and holiday destinations; where baby beds and changing tables and microwave ovens are part of the deal.

However, since our boys turned 5, we started testing their readiness for rougher and longer – (not to mention cheaper) – traveling. Last summer, we drove through 5 European countries in a period of 2 weeks covering more than 2500 km and sleeping in different places – motels or staying with friends – not more two nights in one place. On a weekend last year, we also tried spending the night in a tent in a mountain camping ground.

And still we are continuing to test the waters. We spent the last three nights in a youth hostel right at Lake Geneva, in a tiny room with 4 bunk beds and had to share the bathroom facilities with a dozen people. It was one of the cheapest and loveliest holidays we’ve ever had.

So now we think our boys are ready for farther and more adventurous destinations. We have already something planned later in the year but I won’t tell you (yet) where and what it will be.

Anyway, if you are travel crazy like us, do not let having kids stand in the way and wait till they are out of the house. Instead, include your kids in your plans. Unless there medical reasons not to do so, children are most capable of travelling. Start them young. Prepare them early. Show them the world. Make travelling a family affair!