The Great Diaper Blowout
It had been one of those nights with my then-two-week-old daughter. She had been up every two hours hungry or with a wet diaper—or both.
I made the third trek to our dresser, converted into a changing table with a contoured changing pad and a supply of diapers, wipes and creams. It was 6 AM. My husband was still asleep but would be waking soon, and I was debating whether I should give up and get out of bed for good or try to steal another two hours of rest.
I unzipped Ashley’s sleeper, removed the soiled diaper and folded it underneath her to protect the changing pad in the event of accident. Then I lifted her legs to clean her butt. I thought, with a little girl, I didn’t have to worry about covering up certain parts. Little did I know I was wielding a loaded weapon.
That’s right… she projectile pooped. First, it hit me in the face. I “re-aimed” her quickly, and the next “shot” hit the furniture and the little basket that holds all our changing supplies before I could get the diaper over her.
With poop still on my face and a clump of wipes in my hand, I couldn’t contain myself. I started laughing. Hysterically.
This, of course, woke my husband, and I blurted out, between guffaws. “She…hit me… with… poop!”
My husband asked if I was laughing or crying, because I had tears in my eyes. “I’m laughing!” I said, and was then overcome by a second attack of the giggles.
He got out of bed to take over the duty (no pun intended) of cleaning up our little girl while I went to the bathroom to clean up, wash my face and hands and brush my teeth. She didn’t get me in the mouth, but let’s just say it was very, very close.
I took away five bits of knowledge from this experience:
- After the baby poops, wait a few minutes before changing her to make sure there’s no more where that came from.
- Never point a baby’s bare butt directly at your face.
- Always, always, always keep your mouth closed while changing a diaper.
- It’s true what they say about motherhood and how the most disgusting things become just part of the job. Breast-fed baby’s bowel movements—especially if they belong to your own baby—really aren’t as gross as you might imagine they would be.
- Once you’ve been hit with projectile poop at 6 AM, the rest of the day, whatever happens, has got to be an improvement.