“Accidental” Attachment Parenting
Before I had my daughter, I never imagined I’d allow her to nurse as much as she wanted—sometimes using me as a pacifier. I was staunchly against co-sleeping, and couldn’t imagine holding her nearly every waking hour.
I’ll be honest; my perception of “attachment parenting” was that it’s a new age-y concept designed for SAHMs who would raise clingy, co-dependent children. I couldn’t have been more wrong on every level.
As I read more about attachment parenting, I learned that attachment parenting actually helps to raise more trusting, confident children who are secure in the fact that their needs will be met.
I also realized that attachment parenting is not as challenging as it may sound. After all, who wouldn’t want to keep this bundle of joy as close as possible?
I like Dr. Sears’ views on the matter. On his Web site, he states: “[AP is] actually the style that many parents use instinctively.” That is exactly what I discovered in the first few weeks of motherhood, too.
My daughter isn’t comfortable in a carrier, probably because I don’t feel secure holding her in it, so we’re not completely “attached.” But I often work with her sitting on my lap, carry her around during chores, and do anything requiring two hands while she naps. Even when she’s not in my arms, if she’s awake, I’m doing something with her: Reading, playing, or feeding her. As she grows I’m sure we’ll transition away from this arrangement or become comfortable with the carrier… obviously, I can’t carry her in my arms forever. But I’m fortunate to be able to schedule my day to spend as much time with her as possible.
And co-sleeping? After taking all the necessary safety precautions, it turns out co-sleeping in the early hours of the morning when the baby wakes up and needs to eat, is just easier. She starts the night in her bassinet, but joins us after her four o’clock feeding, when we both fall asleep. Another confession? I rather like having her cuddled up next to me.
Feeding on cue became easy once I learned her hunger signals, and it just so happens she still has a hearty appetite that needs food about every hour-and-a-half. This can be harrowing, but I get through it by reminding myself that she won’t be nursing forever, and when I start her on cereal in a short six weeks, her belly will stay full longer.
I’ve also discovered that feeding her while I eat (especially in restaurants) is a great way to keep her quiet and happy through mealtimes. It’s even kept us from having to leave restaurants mid-meal, as I will never (I don’t believe in absolutes, but there’s no room for compromise with this one) be an inconvenience to other customers by permitting a crying baby to disrupt the entire room.
I’ve often laughed that our approach to parenting would upset the “diehard” AP practitioners as well as those who believe in strict scheduling. When I’ve mentioned my refusal to let the baby “cry it out,” I’ve heard comments like, “Oh, you’re not one of those ‘attachment parent types’ are you?” And AP practitioners probably feel I’m not close enough because I sometimes supplement with formula and don’t use a sling-style carrier or keep the baby with me during her daytime naps.
But I try to avoid extremes and excesses in every area of my life… why should parenting be any different? Maybe I’ll write a book and start my own parenting philosophy. I’ll call it “Do what works for you and your baby.”
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Helena Denley says...
Thank you for sharing your thoughts on AP.
My little boy is 7 months old now & after losing my daughter when she was only 1, I swore I would do everything differently with the next baby – homebirth, unvaccinated, no controlled crying etc . So consequently I guess I have practised an AP style without even knowing it. I breastfeed Daniel whenever he needs it, he sleeps in bed with us all night & has done so since birth. When he naps during the day, it’s on my lap after a feed, so I’m thankful for having a laptop to do some of my work on (I’m a web developer) & a husband that helps with more than his fair share of cooking & tidying.
Now that Daniel is older & has more play time, I can do a few more things myself rather than relying on others.
I must admit, it was a little hard in the beginning being so reliant on others & being confined to the couch, but as you said, this wont last forever & given that my time with my first child was cut short, I cherish every moment I have with my little boy now.
Helena
Helena Denleys last blog post..The Sleep Deprived New Mum – How to Avoid Becoming a Rabid Dog
Kimberly says...
I’m an accidental attachment parent, too!
With many of the same situations that you have. Our son takes his naps in his crib (in his own room) during the day and even sleeps most of the night in it, too. But he sleeps his remainder of the night with us in our bed, and his waking hours during the day are spent attached to or very close to me.
I would read your “do what works best” book, as it is definitely how our family is working it out.
Melissa H says...
Funny that is exactly how I looked at attachment parenting before Ashlynn was born… and then when she was born we just fell into that style. Like you it was accidental ( I even called it that same thing) and like you I have taken what works and left what hasn’t. Carrier never worked for Ash either. She couldn’t seem to get comfortable and neither could I. We co-sleep still at 14 months (we bought a king sized bed to make it more comfortable) It works for us. Ashlynn will soon have a brother and we are looking into an arm’s reach co-sleeper rather than a crib this time. Why fight it. I have always said moderation in all things and it works for parenting too!
brit says...
“Do what works for you and your baby.” love it. i think that’s the definition of attachment parenting and probably the best kind of baby parenting there is. i think parenting a baby is so much driven by instinct and intuition and doing what seems right for you and your baby is most always the best thing to do. Mother nature really has provided us with everything we need to care for our babies if we can shut out all the modern day newfangled ideas, the weird premise that newborn babies should immediately be trained to be independent adults, and commercial products that companies want us to thing we need for our kids.
I’ll buy your book if you write it
brit says...
Melissa, I had an arms’ reach co-sleeper for my son. loved having him so close. at least if you going to get woken up every hour, you don’t actually have to get out of bed.
Lucia says...
Hi Dawn,
Like you, I am an “accidentally” attachment parenting. Co-sleeping with Connor (now 6 months) seems like the most natural thing to do. We also used the Arms Reach Co-sleeper at first, but there were two problems with that: 1) to nurse him I’d still have to get up and hold him; 2) he would wake up very soon after I put him down. Once I had him sleeping in bed with me, we both sleep great!
Lucias last blog post..BabySteals.com – Daily steals at 50-80% off
Jessdel27 says...
I like your title and I never heard of attachment parenting – but I like your stance. Whatever works best for you and your baby is the right thing.
I enjoyed co-sleeping and even now he will come into our bed when he wake up in the night.
Enjoy the bond – they really do grow up quickly.
Dawn Allcot says...
Melissa,
Just a heads-up.. I discovered that the Graco bassinet/co-sleeper is very UNSAFE as a co-sleeper. (It’s fine as a bassinet). I lost the instructions for ours, and I went online to download them in order to convert the bassinet (which is flush against our bed right now) into an “arms-reach style” co-sleeper and discovered it was recalled.
Talk about fortunate–if I hadn’t lost the instructions, we may have just done the conversion.
Babies can get caught between the metal bars… when I looked at the design I realized, yes, this is totally unsafe.
I’m getting a co-sleeper for our second baby when the time comes–and a King size bed!
Melissa h says...
Yikes Thanks for the heads up. We actually had been looking into the brand Arms Reach but I will be sure to do plenty of research before getting any of them. Ashlynn was fine in our bed with precautions so our new one can do that if need be. Love your posts Dawn! I read them and almost every time I say “Hey that’s ME”
Dawn Allcot says...
thanks!!! Yeah there’s a metal bar on the graco one that babies can get trapped between. Here’s a link….
http://www.parentdish.com/2008/08/28/simplicity-convertible-bassinet-sleepers-unsafe/
tjwriter says...
We sort of fell into attachment parenting as, but like you, Dawn, it was more of an instinct thing.
Piper slept in the bed with me almost right away. The husband worked nights then and it was just the two of us in a king sized bed. She still often ends up in bed with us.
Cadence has slept curled up next to me away from Piper in our bed. With the space we have, I can put her towards the outside edge and still have a lot of clearance. Not to mention the way I co sleep, she’d have to roll past my arm to fall off the bed.
My arm is stiff and sore alot, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.
tjwriters last blog post..Coffee and Pregnancy
Dawn Allcot says...
Helena, Please share how you handle the laptop and the sleeping baby on the lap??? That’s a trick I’ve been trying to work out.
Right now, she’s in bed with me and I’m on the laptop… which breaks my previous rule of “don’t work in the same place you sleep,” but you do what you have to sometimes.
Helena Denley says...
Dawn,
I have a nice wide armrest on my sofa that I rest the laptop on (to one side). Not great for trying to type with two hands – depends what side Daniel is feeding on whether I can angle myself around. One of those hospital trays on wheels would be great
Helena Denleys last blog post..The Sleep Deprived New Mum – How to Avoid Becoming a Rabid Dog
Samie says...
I’m one of the do whatever works parents. My parents were the let her scream type with me and with my younger sister picked her up whenever she cried. I would have to say that there is a huge difference in confidence between me and my sister (she has a more positive attitude and I a more negative) and I honestly believe its how we were treated as babies. I would have to say that she’s more dependent on other people than I am, but that also comes from bad experiences from me depending on people when younger. But I wouldn’t have it any other way. I wanted to be a mom who breast fed and had a job, but neither of those ended up working out. I was forced to quit breast feeding and working for the same medical reasons, but now my daughter and I bond in different ways. She doesn’t sleep with me but in her crib next to my bed at night and cuddles with me in the morning hours after her dad goes to work. During the day is a completely different story. When she’s not crawling around the floor she’s in my lap sleeping or whatever while I do things on the computer ( like watch movies or surf the net). How I do the computer thing — desk top computer with long cord keyboard (kept away from her while she’s awake) and a big comfy chair that I can sit cross legged with her on my lap and still have room for the keyboard behind her. I use a boppy pillow to support her and my keyboard, and because I have to reach over her to hit the keys on the keyboard, cuddle with her as well. Basically doing what works.The only problem with this arrangement is if I move anything other than my arms she wakes up!
Dawn Allcot says...
Helena, I am so sorry for your loss! I can’t even imagine… Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Samie, I may have to try that with the Boppy!
Brit–I agree w/ you on instinct and intuition. But I think certain groups have distorted the definition of attachment parenting so that it turns some ppl off. (At least that’s what happened to me when I read books on AP.) They make it seem hard (it’s not) and like you have to make these huge sacrifices (it doesn’t feel like a sacrifice to me when I do it).
TJ–I feel your arm pain–we sleep the same way! lol
Thanks everyone for your comments….
Readers, jump into the discussion–what parts of AP did you use, which did you skip? What parenting “philosophy” do you follow?