My son is six weeks old now. He’s still a little baby, but the traces of his “newborn-ness” are fading rapidly. Sure, his head still wobbles whenever he tries to lift it up, but he also has moments of control where it looks like he’s months older than he actually is. He still stares off into space most of the time, but he also has moments of clarity where he’ll look one of us in the eye.

I say all this because my wife and I have already started talking, admittedly prematurely, and not in any great deal of earnest, about whether or not we’re “done”.

We have a girl (an amazing, beautiful, wonderfully bright little girl) and a boy (a strong and healthy baby boy). Do we really need another child? Is it about need, or is it about want? Or is it about the financial implications of having a third? Or is it about whether or not my wife can endure another pregnancy, another c-section, another recovery?

For us, we are fortunate enough to be in a financial situation where, while we are nowhere near anyone’s definition of wealthy, we are not living paycheck to paycheck either, and therefore could afford a third child. And as for wanting or needing, well, let’s just say that both of us (as well as our daughter) are “baby hogs”, so that’s not the issue.

What it boils down to for us is the toll (both physical and emotional) it takes, especially on my wife, but also on the family as a whole. We’re nowhere near ready to make a final decision, but we have started to talk.

What made you (or will make you) decide that you are done having children? Is it number? Gender? Finances? I would love to know reader’s thoughts on the matter.

When my wife was pregnant, we made a concerted effort to encourage our daughter’s belief that he was her baby, that somehow he was a communal baby, the family’s baby, if you will. When she talked about the upcoming event, it wasn’t “Mommy is going to have a baby!” It was “I’m going to be a big sister!”

Well, our son is a little over a month old now, and as far as my daughter is concerned, the bloom is definitely off the rose. She was excited to meet him and hold him and give him a bottle, but now that he’s been here a while, she has replaced her excitement with acting out and attention seeking behaviour.

If one of us is doing something with her (reading a book, watching some television, playing a game, whatever) and the other needs to pass off the baby, my daughter becomes irate and will sometimes completely lose it and throw a tantrum. She seems to have lost the ability to play by herself, perpetually whining that “nobody wants to play with me“, instead of occasionally playing by herself. (This can happen at any time, even if I have just finished [what feels like] a marathon session of Dora Candy Land.) Her appetite for attention has become insatiable.

I have tried to reinforce the fact that she is still my special girl, and my daughter, but that now we have two kids who need us. I have tried to encourage the idea that we’re a family, and that families do things together. But most days involve at least one or two incidents where it is clear that she feels her baby brother is trampling on her turf.

For those of you with more than one child, how did you handle this? Did you just ride it out until they outgrew it? Did you have any tactics or strategies that helped deal with the situation?

On October 1, my wife gave birth to our second child, a son. The story of his birth and our early days are all up at my personal blog (link at the bottom of this post), if you are interested.

Babies are made up of one half mother and one half father. Given this logic, one would assume that there would be some similarities between two babies from the same parents. I am here to tell you that nothing could be further from the truth.

• my daughter could not latch properly at first, dropped weight, and became dehydrated; my son is a breastfeeding champ, in spite of a much shorter tongue than his sister, and has steadily gained weight
• my daughter had no hair for almost a year; my son had a full head of hair at birth
• my daughter never slept longer than three hours at a time (and only occasionally at that) until she was well over six months old; my son has gone for five hours occasionally (when my wife sleeps through her four hour alarm) and regularly can go three or four hours in the night



• my daughter loved to lie naked to “air out” and help avoid diaper rashes; my son screams like we are tormenting him with hot pokers (or videos of presidential debates, take your pick) whenever he is stripped down (diaper changes included)
• my daughter loved to just chill in our arms and listen to us talk to her; my son will physically push us away so he can look around the room and determine the best viewing angle for the shadows on our ceilings
• my daughter loved to take naps on her daddy, settling in for a nice long cuddle; my son loves to nap on his daddy too

OK, so maybe they aren’t completely different, but I still find it fascinating to see how the same genetic material can produce such dramatically different kids.

(And yes, the images in this post are of my son.)

When our daughter was born, my wife and I cooked every single weekend in the weeks leading up to her due date. We made casseroles and huge batches of soup and stocked our deep freezer almost to capacity with ready-made meals. We did this ourselves because we didn’t expect anyone to do it for us (my parents were too far to bring frozen meals back, and my in-laws were unlikely to do something like that).

It literally killed my parents that they couldn’t contribute as much as they wanted because cooking for the baby is a tradition shared by most: the family makes meals to store, and then brings more food once the baby comes. It just never occurred to my in-laws to bring food.

This time around, my MIL has been preparing food since the middle of the summer. (Our theory is that since our daughter’s birth some of her friends have become grandparents, and they cooked for their kids, so now she realizes that’s what most people do.) So, we haven’t been making as many meals as last time. We did, however, make a batch of cheddar potato soup this weekend (and some of it actually made it past my wife into the freezer!)

What about you? Did your family and friends cook for you prior to the baby coming? What about after? Did neighbours show up with the cliched pan of lasagna or tuna casserole?

In one week, my wife and I will get up very early, leave our daughter with my in-laws, and drive to the hospital. A few hours after we leave I will be a father of two.

I have spent a lot of time these last few months thinking about how I will handle being a father to two children. I spend a lot of time struggling with so-called “daddy guilt” (or, in its more politically correct, gender-inclusive form, “working parent guilt”) as it is, and soon I will have two children that I’m trying to spend time with.

Initially, I don’t expect it to be as difficult, aside from my own “baby crazy” nature. My daughter will need my 100% undivided attention when I get home after she has spent the day “sharing” my wife with the baby, so she and I will likely become after-work playmates even more than we are now. My time with my son will come after she goes to bed since he’ll be up and down all evening (if he’s anything like his sister).

However, when they are both a little older, and both awake and aware when I get home, then things will be difficult. The “divide and conquer” strategy will work for a bit, but when one of us is cooking, the other will be outnumbered. And then there’s the fact that I’ll feel badly for not spending time with one of them while I’m with the other one.

To those of you with more than one child, how did you deal with the transition? Did you find you spent more time with your kids than before, or did you just divide the time you used to spend with one into two?

A study published in the October issue of Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry by Yale School of Medicine researchers indicates that mothers who deliver their baby vaginally are more strongly bonded to their newborn than a mother who deliver via cesarean section.

The researchers performed brain scans on the mothers while they listened to their baby crying during a diaper change. The mothers who delivered vaginally were found (via fMRI) to have more activity in the area of the brain that regulates emotion and empathy. The researchers believe this is an indication that the process of a vaginal birth somehow “primes” the woman’s brain for becoming a mother.

While the intent of the article and its publication was to encourage women to consider vaginal births in light of recent trends towards planned c-sections, I feel that the results are questionable at best. Brain activity in the area that regulates empathy does not make a bond with a child; being a mother to the child, caring for the baby and feeding him or her creates a bond.

No mention was made as to the feeding methods for the babies. Were they all breastfed? All bottle fed? Nor was their daily care situation discussed. What percentage were at home with their baby all day? What percentage were working and left the baby with a caregiver? And how many of them had a partner to assist them in the parenting process versus those who were single mothers? All of these details can impact how a mother bonds with her baby. Ignoring them completely makes the results suspect, at best.

Source: Natural Childbirth Linked to Stronger Baby Bonding Than C-Sections via Health News Digest

A relatively small study out of Australia has found that preschool aged children are already aware of body image. 53 children in four kindergarten classes were surveyed, and it was discovered that parents, especially mothers, are unintentionally impressing their own image issues on their children. The study found that children learn by watching their parents, and so if their mother is constantly verbalizing her dissatisfaction with her body, they internalize it and make it their own.

I found this study to be frighteningly disheartening. By no means am I the pinnacle of a physical specimen. However, I do not (as was mentioned in the article) suggest to my preschool aged daughter that she needs to exercise more to lose weight. We (my wife and I) encourage her to be physically active because it is “good for her body” (i.e. healthy), the same reason we give her for strongly encouraging (occasionally forcing) her to eat fruits and vegetables.

I cannot imagine what would possess a parent to tell their preschooler that they need to lose weight. Society does enough damage with the messages and images in modern media without parents doing the same thing at home.

Source: Body image obsession starts in kindy via Adelaide Now

In less than three weeks, I will be a parent of two. The days where I can think to myself my wife is taking care of the kid; therefore I can read/sleep/watch tv/browse the internet/whatever will soon be gone. The number of people under three feet in height, who cannot operate the stove or bathe themselves, will equal the number of people over three feet in height with those skills.

When my wife is tending to our baby, nursing him or changing his diaper, I will not have moments to catch my breath. I will be chasing after our preschool-aged daughter. And when I am having a cuddle with our baby boy, I cannot do so with the knowledge that I am offering her some free time.

Everything is about to change.

On the one hand, I am excited. I am stoked to meet my son, to see his bewildered face as he stares at me, all swaddled in a hospital cap that will inevitably be two sizes too big. I cannot wait to see just how big he really is (current speculation is that he is over 10 pounds, and we still have 20 days before delivering).

On the other hand, I am nervous. When we are both at home, we have even numbers, but during a typical day (once my post-partum vacation time off has expired) my wife will be outnumbered. I know everything will be fine, but I still worry. And when we are both at home, I will no longer have those opportunities for brief “me time” episodes where my girls are doing something together. Again, I know that deep down everything will be fine, but I still worry.

For those of you with two (or – yikes – more) children, how did you find the transition? How do you find it now, after you’ve settled into some sort of groove or routine?

For those readers who are relatively new to my posts at Babies Online (and probably think I have a severe spelling problem for my excessive usage of the letter “u” in words such as labour or humour), I am a Canadian. And while our country does not tend to receive as much international attention as our neighbours (see, there’s that “u” again) to the south, we are also looking at an election this fall.

This past week, the Conservative Party (the one currently in power, although with a minority government), began running television commercials in an attempt to portray their leader (and current Canadian Prime Minister), Stephen Harper as a doting family man, a wonderful father who loves his kids and is an attentive parent.

Sarah Palin’s selection as a candidate for vice president created a flurry of activity in the media, mostly centered around her family and especially her skills as a mother in light of the unplanned teenage pregnancy of her daughter.

Perhaps I’m naive, or foolish, or just plain ignorant, but I fail to see the relevance of a person’s parenting skills when it comes to politics. My skills as an engineer are not predicated on my ability to play with my daughter, or give her a bath, or feed her. I would never mention that braiding the tails on a My Little Pony, or making a paper mache mask as skills I have developed on my resume. Yet, for some reason, when it comes to selecting a leader for our government, people feel that a person’s parenting skills, or their representation of the definition-elusive “family values”, somehow makes them a better candidate than their competitor.

Tell me what your policy is on funding for health care and education. Tell me where you stand on foreign policy issues such as the conflict in Iraq. Tell me what you will do about the environmental problems facing our world.

I really don’t care if you put lipstick on your pitbull (or whatever your point was).

Sources:
Nice before the nastiness via The National Post
Palin’s Family Has Always Held a Place in Her Politics via The Washington Post

A PhD candidate at New Zealand’s Canterbury University has found that girls whose fathers are absent tend to enter puberty earlier than their counterparts whose fathers are part of the family unit.

The study looked at pairs of sisters separated in age by at least two years, neither of whom had experienced their first period before the change (or lack thereof) in the father’s presence. There were 68 pairs from father-absent homes and 93 from homes where the father was present. By looking at pairs of sisters, the researcher used a unique in-family design to provide some measure of control against genetic and socio-economic factors.

In addition to the finding that the girls from father-absent homes tended to have their first period earlier, the study also found that younger siblings in father-absent homes had their first period even earlier than their older sisters. This was not the case in father-present homes, possibly indicating a relationship between the amount of time a girl goes fatherless and the timing of her first period.

Source: Absent fathers can cause early puberty in girls: study via The New Zealand Herald

During this Labour Day weekend, while we spend time hoping labour doesn’t start early (aside: we’ve had Braxton hicks and tons of baby movement, which when combined with a very large baby make a normally nervous pregnant woman even more concerned about premature labour), I assembled our new stroller: the Fisher-Price Stand & Ride Duo Stroller.

We had hoped that our infant carseat would fit in such a way that the sitting option would be available to our daughter, but that is prohibited by the design. For the first part of our new baby’s life, she will stand or walk beside.

Interestingly, we arguably don’t even need the new stroller, because our daughter hasn’t used our existing stroller since the spring. In that time, we have done several trips to the zoo, where it was my wife who needed to take breaks, not our three year old. However, since we jumped on this stroller when it was on clearance back in February (it was discontinued, and was the one my wife liked the most when we investigated stand/sit and ride options), we could not return it. So, I put it together and figured it would offer my wife an option to keep a closer tab on my daughter when she’s having a snack or something. But really, we don’t need it.

For those of you with more than one child, did you purchase a new duo stroller? What was the age difference between the two kids? How much use have you gotten from the duo?

For many English-speaking children, the words “mama” and “dada” are two of the first words they learn to say consistently. Traditional logic dictates that the reason for this is because a baby is drawn to their parents, and (in most cases) their parents are the predominant people in their young lives. However, scientists believe they have an alternative reason.

The study involved taking brain scans of two or three day old newborns while they were hearing made up words. The scans pointed to limited or no response when the word had no repetition in it (such as “napena”), but increased activity when the word had repetition (such as “mubaba”). The scientists believe that part of the reason “mama” and “dada” are so commonly found in early language is because of the structure of the words.

And English isn’t the only language to employ repetition in parent terms. French, Italian, Swedish, and Spanish all use “papa” or “pappa” for father, for example, leading the scientists to speculate that human brains are “hard wired” for this type of early language development.

Source: Why ‘Mama’ and ‘Dada’ are baby’s first words via MSNBC.

The Conservative government currently in power in Canada announced plans to introduce legislation that would make it a separate crime to kill or injure a fetus when committing violence against a pregnant woman. Justice Minister Rob Nicholson also stated, rather emphatically, that the law would be worded in such a way that “leaves no room for the introduction of fetal rights.”

The announcement comes after a flurry of activity in the Canadian House of Commons surrounding Bill C-484, a private member’s bill sponsored by MP Ken Epp (also of the Conservative Party), which, as it is currently written, would instill fetal rights and possibly infringe upon a woman’s access to abortion.

Abortion is legal in Canada, and has been since 1969.

Source: Conservative bill closes door on fetal rights via Canada.com

Since the stories about the historical nature of Michael Phelps’ eight gold medals had been beaten to death by the mainstream media before the end of the Beijing Olympics, a new Phelps-centric story was needed to capitalize on his fame. Unfortunately, most of the swimming events were completed, leaving the media no more opportunities to reference Phelps save for some far-fetched comparisons to Usain Bolt, the Jamaican sprinter with multiple medals and world records.

Enter Fred Phelps, estranged father of Michael Phelps.

According to reports, Fred and Debbie (Michael’s mother) divorced in 1992, and since then the relationship between father and son has been, at best, difficult. Prior to the Athens Olympics in 2004, Michael was asked about his father and replied that the two hadn’t spoken since he was in high school, and that Fred didn’t call when he broke the world record in 2001. They reconciled shortly thereafter, and Fred came to the 2004 Games, but the relationship soured again.

Now, Fred is fielding calls from media outlets, and from what I can tell, he has no interest in capitalizing on his newfound celebrity. He is often referred to as “tight lipped”, and the few quotes he offers are deferential to his son.

“This is not about me, it’s about him.“

I cannot imagine what has happened between these two men to prevent them from having even the most minor of relationships. I have no idea what the circumstances are, so I have no interest in laying blame at either man’s feet. However, what I do know is that as a father myself, I love my kids, and no matter what may happen in the future, I will continue to love them and do what’s right for them. (As an aside: no, my wife and I are not having any marital problems, but I cannot help but put myself in another father’s shoes when I read about their relationships with their kids.) I just don’t understand how they allowed it to get to this point, and why it cannot be repaired.

Source: Phelps, dad not on speaking terms via Fox Sports.

Co-sleeping. Some parents of babies (and in a few cases, toddlers) swear by it, and others swear to never do it. Whichever side of the fence you sit, it can become a heated topic. Here are some thoughts for and against co-sleeping:
For

• babies tend to sleep more soundly when cuddled with a parent
• breastfeeding is much more convenient
• additional opportunities for family bonding

Against

• some believe co-sleeping results in children who cannot self-soothe
• parents lose privacy and intimacy
• parents sleep lees soundly because of the fear of rolling over on their child
• some children are active sleepers, making it difficult for the parents to get a good night’s sleep
• 75% of all SIDS related deaths are caused by babies sleeping face down on a soft surface (which many adult beds are, especially with the recent trend towards “pillow top” mattresses)

Personally, with our daughter, we started out with her sleeping in a cradle. Eventually she and my wife co-slept while I took refuge in the guest room, mainly due to my wife’s condition post-c-section. Once my wife was able to get herself out of bed and retrieve the baby herself, we transitioned her to her own crib. Now, it is something that happens at 5am when she wakes up and our choices are co-sleep or get up for the day.

Source: ‘Family bed’ has pluses, minuses via IndyStar.com.

What are your thoughts on co-sleeping? Did you co-sleep with your children? Did breastfeeding play a part in your decision?

With a new school year starting soon (or already started in some places), a new batch of young children are getting ready to go to school for the first time. Although there is excitement on behalf of the child) at the prospect of being one of the “big kids”, and for the new clothes and backpack and school supplies, there is also trepidation. Parents are often no better with this milestone.

However, there are some things parents can do to prepare their child for the first day of school:

• talk often about how much fun school will be
• arrange playdates with other children in the same class to ensure the child knows other students
• consider a visit to the classroom in the spring as a sort of “test run”
• suggest role-playing games where the parent is the teacher and the child is the student

While some anxiety is normal during the first few weeks, if it continues or the child becomes more aggressive in their behaviour in avoiding going to school or when at school, it could be signs of a more difficult case. Most experts suggest consulting the child’s teacher, since they have a wealth of experience dealing with similar situations from previous years.

Ultimately, it’s important to remember that our children take our cues from their parents. Be calm (even if you’re not) and reassuring; tell them that you’re excited for them, and that you hope they are excited too. If you appear OK with the whole process (even if your heart is breaking inside), it will make it easier for your child.

Source: Letting go can be hard for younger students, parents via the Fort Worth Star-Telegram

As the 2008 Beijing Olympics continue, some faces are becoming so familiar to the average viewer they know them without an identifying caption: Michael Phelps, Dara Torres, Kobe Bryant, Katie Hoff, LeBron James, Debbie Phelps.

Oh wait, you think to yourself, Michael Phelps has a sister in the Olympics?

No, Debbie Phelps is Michael’s mother, and every time he is in a final, or a semifinal, or a qualifying match, or on a podium, the television cameras inevitably find her, and when they do, the commentator is always there with something along the lines of, “Imagine how proud she is right now. Think of all the sacrifices she made taking him to the pool when he was younger.”

But parents are not only watching from the stands. Some of them are watching from the sidelines, standing alongside their children as they compete, coaching them. There are three such pairs on the US gymnastics team: Nastia Liukin and her father Valeri, Chellsie Memmel with father Andy, and Sasha Arteme coached by his father Vladimir.

Sometimes, the partnership isn’t by design. Liukin only took over after another coach gave his daughter a black eye, and Memmel sought her father’s guidance and expertise after a disappointing season. But whatever the origins, all three Olympians say it benefits them not only as athletes, but as individuals. Because their coaches are also their parents, they can offer more emotional support than a typical unrelated coach, and it also brings parent and child closer together.

Source: Fatherly advice goes a long way via USA Today.

Note: I have no statistical or empirical evidence to back up the hypothesis I am about to propose. It is merely based on my own observations and experiences. Any extrapolation on this matter should be done purely for entertainment value.

When we first told my father that we were reasonably certain the baby my wife is carrying is a boy, he did not have as significant a reaction as I had expected, given the amount of pressure he put on me to “carry on the name”. However, later that weekend, he did say, in passing, “Well, now that you have a boy, you won’t have any more kids, eh?”

And while I wanted to be indignant, and reply with more than a little bit of frustration that we would be happy with either gender, I didn’t. I said nothing because deep down, I knew that the fact that this baby was a boy made me less inclined to try for a third than if we knew it was going to be a girl. For a few weeks after that, I felt pretty badly for how I felt: that somehow having two girls wasn’t enough for me.

But then I started thinking, and I realized something: in all of the families I knew that had more than two kids, the two oldest were both of the same gender. For everyone I knew, two boys or two girls was not enough.

I need to gather more evidence, certainly. So, this is where you, dear readers, come in. Do you have evidence to support my theory that people with “one of each” are significantly less likely to have a third? What are the genders of the two oldest children in families with three or more kids? Please give your answers in the comments.

Earlier this week, a woman was arrested for driving a car with a three year old on the roof. The woman in question was the child’s grandmother, and when confronted by police, argued that she was driving very slowly, in a parking lot, and that the girl was completely safe because she was also holding on to her leg.

Of course, using that logic, car seats are no longer necessary, since a parent or guardian’s hand on their leg is enough to keep a child from bodily harm.

I could not believe the story when I read it. Initially, I thought that the grandmother had placed the child on the car while loading it (a debatable practice itself, but one I could halfway understand) and then started the vehicle in motion before realizing the little girl was not secured inside her car seat. When I realized that this was not the case, and that the girl was being taken for some bizarre form of toddler joy ride, I was mortified. To say that the woman’s actions lacked good judgment is an understatement. What she did was just plain stupid.

What do you think about this story?

I was chatting online with another Babies Online staffer when she suggested the topic of today’s post: unique ways to tell the father you’re pregnant (thanks Kelli). Unfortunately, both times my wife got pregnant, I was as closely involved with her cycle as she was because we were actively trying to get pregnant. So, my big surprise involved her coming out of the bathroom with a big smile and a small white plastic stick in her hand. However, I did a little research, and came up with some suggestions.

Dinner Surprise – One idea that I thought was a little odd, but interesting, was to write a note on the father’s dinner plate and then cover it with food. As he eats he discovers the message. A variation on this is to serve a “baby” meal (all items have the word baby in them: baby carrots, baby squash, baby back ribs, etc.)

Slip Him Something – Another suggestion would be to buy some article of baby clothing such as a pair of socks and leave them in his pocket, possibly with a note attached.

Make Room For Baby – Empty half of his underwear drawer and replace them with diapers, with (or without) a note that reads, “Better start making room for me, Daddy!”

Daddy Paraphernalia – This is how we told our parents. We purchased the books What Grandmas Do Best and What Grandpas Do Best and wrapped them as gifts. Alternatives to a book include a shirt, a onesie, a bib, a mug… just about anything is available with the word “Daddy” on it these days.

Accidentally Leave A Hint – Two easy examples are to leave your web browser pointed at an online retailer for baby furniture (maybe a crib) or leave a baby store magazine open with page marks throughout that highlight various things you’ll need.

Purchase Something Large – If you can afford it, purchase a new baby item, preferably something large that requires assembly, and leave it in the trunk of your car. Then tell him you need a lot of help with something.

How did you tell the father you were pregnant?