Dads In The Delivery Room
Last month, an obstetrician in the UK wrote an article detailing with why men should never be in the delivery room. The piece was written in response to a survey that said fathers should be allowed to spend the night in the hospital when their baby is born. In the article, the doctor, who has presided over 15,000 births, believes that men are a distraction in the delivery room, and that labours are longer now because of it. He also justifies his position with anecdotal evidence, including: fathers (he mentions only a few) who leave the mother immediately following the birth, subsequent sexual difficulties because of what the father sees (which the doctor argues results in divorce later on), and one man whose schizophrenia was triggered by being at the delivery. I will not recount the entire article here; it is a fascinating read, and I encourage everyone to take a few minutes to consider its contents.
I was present at the birth of my daughter. Without going into much detail about the delivery (brief version: about 15 hours of labour culminating in an elective cesarean – although it may have become emergency in the future – because of the baby being right occipital posterior (ROP), meaning she was facing sideways and therefore could not pass through the birth canal) it was a difficult process, but I can offer some anecdotal evidence contrary to that of the doctor.
My wife had been given an epidural, and yet complained of pain in her hip/lower back/bottom. She said that she felt like there was a bar pressing against her. The nurse condescendingly dismissed her, saying that she was imagining things. My wife turned to me, and said that she was sure there was something. So, I helped her turn to one side, and I felt the mattress: at the bending point for one of the adjustable joints, the mattress had worn so thin that one could feel the frame underneath! I called the nurse over and showed her what I found. This resulted in two outcomes: first, they put a pillow under her bottom to alleviate the pain, and second, they realized that her epidural had been improperly administered.
The day after giving birth (which I am aware is not “in the delivery room” anymore, but the story bears telling), my wife was transferred to a different room. The student nurse who was assisting her primary nurse got a couple of her friends and they wheeled her (while she was holding our daughter in her arms) into the hall while I followed with the bags. They tried to enter the room. Bam! My wife winced. They backed up and tried again. Bam! Again, my wife winced. They started to try a third time. “Stop,” I said.
“No, no. It’s OK. We’ll get it,” the student replied.
“Step away from the bed. Now,” I said through gritted teeth.
They complied. I put down the bags, and pulled the bed away from the door. I lifted the bottom of the bed slightly, and, steering it like a wheelbarrow, got the head of the bed through the doorway. I turned to the three nursing students, “Think you can handle it from here?”
Both of these anecdotes illustrate my role in the birth of our daughter: I was not the one doing the actual birthing, but I was my wife’s advocate. I stood up for her when she needed someone to stand up for her because she was too exhausted, too weak, or just being disrespected. I was her partner, just as I said I would be when we got married.
While some fathers may find the delivery difficult to handle, ultimately I think their presence is more beneficial than harmful, not just to the mother but to the family unit as a whole. As I say to my daughter all the time, fathers are parents too. Establishing that bond as early as possible benefits everyone. If I had been in the waiting room, as this doctor suggested, my daughter would have spent her first hour of life in a bassinet in the operating room. Instead, she was swaddled and cuddled and was able to stare at me, bewildered, while I spoke softly to her, telling her everything was going to be OK.
What are your thoughts on this issue? Were the fathers present at your births, or do they plan to be there for your future ones?
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Lindsay says...
We live in Austin, Texas and hope to be able to have all of our children here. My husband was present at the delivery of our son just over a year ago. He was able to stay the night with me and our baby both nights there. In fact, our hospital provides a very uncomfortable portable bed. He opted to sleep in a comfy recliner. The hospital even allowed him to stay the night with me a week later when I was admitted to the Cardiac service for congestive heart failure.
As a mother and a wife, I deeply appreciate the time in which we live as does my husband. Neither one of us think things would have been pleasant, much less as wonderful as they were, if he had not been allowed to be there with me through the whole thing. I am speaking for him a little bit here, but I am certain that we share the same view on this subject.
The mere thought that a husband will leave his wife over witnessing what happened to her girly parts (We call it the day my vajayjay had a blow out) is absolutely absurd. If a man would leave his wife over that, then he wasn’t married to her and the vows he took meant nothing. I have to laugh thinking that while the preacher was going through the vows what the husband heard was “I promise to love, honor, respect your privates as long as they look and feel like a teenagers”.
I am a very fortunate woman for having been blessed to be married to a man that when “differences” are noticed “down there” he smiles and thanks me for giving him our child. I know that there was a bit of shock for him by what he saw when our baby was delivered, but he knows it’s a fact of life and that sex and birth are the absolutely necessary part of becoming parents.
I say that we should ask our mothers and grandmothers what they think. THey all had very different birthing atmospheres than we have today. I think it is silly to just take the word of a Doctor who may find it to be distracting for him to have to deal with the fathers in the delivery room. Further, I feel that maybe years of witnessing birth blow-outs has taken the shine off of those organs for him, but that does not necessarily mean that all fathers feel that way after having witnessed it. Most I talked to in our family had a newfound respect for their wives for their power of birth. Perhaps the subsequent divorces have more to do with conflicting parenting styles or a baby was conceived in a failed attempt to save a marriage. I’m not sure where he would have gotten that data and arriced at that conclusion. I don’t think I have ever heard of “vaginal destruction” being one of those spots on the divorce forms. Maybe it’s just below Irreconciliable Differences.
KEEP DADS INVOLVED IN EVERY ASPECT!!!
russ says...
I was present for the birth of both of my children. I wanted to stay in the hospital with my wife, but outside forces kept me from doing so (In-laws who dislike dogs and a pet dog at home being two of them).
Your comment on your role as an advocate could not be more correct, nor needed. After the birth of our first child my wife was put on Magnesium Sulfate because of pre-eclampsia. No one told her that she was considered an ICU patient(even though we were in a standard postpartum room), yet they would wake her ever 30 minutes for BP and temperature readings. If I had not asked what was going on, we would not have found out, as my wife was all but stoned on the Mag.
AndreAnna says...
My husband was there every step of the way, held my leg while I pushed out daughter into this world, and was the first to hold her while I was being stitched.
Just because I am lucky enough to have the miracle of life, and can grow and carry a child, does not make my husband any less of a parent than I am. And denying him the ability to be present at the birth of his child(ren) is archaic and ridiculous.
MrsH says...
Anecdotal evidence really means zilch. Does he have any studies backing him up? I would really be interested to know.
I had a caesarean and guess who was cleaning me down there with a perinatal bottle or helping me in and out of the showers at the hospital. my husband! I warned him of how it would look beforehand and he just shrugged and said he’d witnessed a lot of cows giving birth growing up. lol!
Science-mom says...
I had CS, too and my husband was with me all the way. He was the first to see and hold our babies before they were whisked off to the preemies station. I know, however, of some fathers collapsing on the delivery room floor when the going gets tough. So I guess it all depends on the men. If they can take it, they should be allowed to be in the delivery room.