On Gender
When I was just a teenager, my father informed me of a fact that I still carry with me to this day: since he was the only one of his siblings to immigrate to Canada from Italy, and that I am his only son (I have two sisters), that it was my responsibility to have a son so that my surname continued on in Canada. It wasn’t explicitly stated, but it was certainly implied that the lack of a son would be tantamount to failure.
Thanks, Dad. No pressure or anything. It’s not like I was, what, 17 and had yet to choose a vocation, let alone a mate.
Nine years later, I met the woman who would become my wife. Three years after that, she became my wife. A year later, we were pregnant with our first child.
When people asked if we were finding out “what it was”, I would always reply that we had it on good authority that it was human, but we were keeping an open mind, just so, you know, we didn’t “get our hopes up”. Those with less social graces would subsequently ask, “Well, what do you really want?” If my wife wasn’t around, I’d say something along the lines of, “For the world to open up and swallow one of us, preferably you, whole, and therefore end this conversation.” If she was around, I’d say the defacto, “Oh, I just want the baby to be healthy.”
Liar. I wanted the baby to be healthy and happy and cute and smart and witty and talented and brilliant and well behaved and able to sleep through the night and certainly not a little $%#! like that pain in the rear kid across the street who kept messing up my lawn.
And I wanted a boy. Or so I thought.
Deep down, I wasn’t sure what gender I preferred. I mean, logically, I should have a preference, right? And since there’s only two choices, it should be pretty easy for me, right? Wrong. You see, while one part of me, the part who felt duty bound to carry on the family name, wanted a boy, the rest of me was pretty sure that was a result that would end in disaster because historically I have never gotten along with men as well as I have with women. My best friends? Women. My closest confidants? Women. So there I was, paralyzed by my inability to resolve my (completely irrelevant) preference. I stressed about this for months leading up to the birth.
Ultimately, my wife gave birth to a little girl. An amazing little girl who got the best from both of us: she has her mother’s nurturing spirit (not to mention good looks… this child is a mini-me, seriously) and her father’s analytical mind (and thankfully not his facial hair). She is remarkable in every way, and I cannot imagine a world where she isn’t a she.
Having a daughter meant I didn’t have to address my fear of being able to raise and relate to a son. Since then, I’ve adjusted to the possibility of raising a boy. I have realized that just because I don’t necessarily relate well to most men doesn’t mean I won’t relate to this boy. In fact, having a boy would offer me the opportunity to do it differently than my father did it, and potentially raising a man who is comfortable with both genders.
Which brings us to our baby in progress, whose gender is still a mystery to us all (well technically not all of us… presumably the baby knows whether there’s indoor or outdoor plumbing). We are scheduled for an ultrasound in the middle of May, and hope to find out the gender to better prepare our daughter for what is coming. To be completely honest, I’m having the same struggles this time: on the one hand, having a boy would mean we have “one of each”, but having a girl means my little girl would have a sister, and from what I’ve been told, sisters have a special bond. And truth be told, I still feel pressure from my father to provide a namesake.
Realistically, what I “want” doesn’t make a difference; that decision was made months ago in my wife’s uterus. So why am I obsessing over it? I don’t know. It’s not like I will love this child any less if it is one gender or the other (but so help me, if that child becomes a Packers fan…), or that I will feel sad because of what I think is missing. I guess, deep down, all I want is for this baby to be healthy (and preferably human).
What are your thoughts about gender? If you are currently pregnant, do you prefer one over the other? If you have children already, did you get your “first choice”? How did you react? Has your opinion changed since having your child?
Tags: Baby, gender, gender preference, Pregnancy
Julie Pippert says...
I totally wanted a daughter. After that, I wanted another daughter but I felt so guilty because my husband sorta hoped a bit for a healthy baby (son) and so I hoped for him to get a son since I got my girl. And since we went through IF and IF tx for both babies, we felt like utter ungrateful people who were beggars and shouldn’t be choosy…but there you have it. I think on some level we have a bit of a preference and comfort zone. Like you said we (most of us at least) really love the child who comes for who he or she is, regardless of sex.
But we were pressured to carry on the family name too and I suppose that factored in a bit to my guilt.
The last name dies here and so it goes. I think this name has had hundreds of years of use so it’s probably about time to retire it.
I hated people asking those tacky and nosy questions, too.
I hated it worse when they went “Ohhh that’s too bad, maybe better luck next time” upon learning we were having another girl.
Scott says...
Before we found out the gender of our second child, I always answered the “do you want a boy or another girl” question as “If it’s a boy I’ll be happy that we have one of each. If it’s a girl, I’ll be happy because we can save some money and reuse all the clothes from the first one”.
A girl would have been easier, both my wife and I knew what to expect with a daughter. But deep down, I kind of wanted a son. A son, to carry on the family name, to play and watch sports with, to introduce to the wonderful, yet geeky, worlds of Lord of the Rings, Star Trek, and Star Wars (as an aside both my children WILL initially watch the SW movies in order of release so the surprises and plot twists are in the right spots).
To temper my expectations, I convinced myself we were having another girl. It wouldn’t be a bad thing, girls adore there daddies, girls like sports and geeky stuff, too, the bond between sisters would be great for both of them, etc. And we’d be able to reuse everything, save some money. I was so convinced it would be another girl, I was actually totaly surprised when the sonogram tech told us it was a boy.
Would I have been happy with another girl? Yes. Am I happy I have a son? Yes. In the end, the most important thing is for both the mother and child to be healthy, happy, and safe throughout the pregnancy and delivery. Boy or girl, you’ll love the baby just the same.
AndreAnna says...
I was the same way, almost exactly. When I found out I was pregnant with our first, I wanted a boy. I wanted to carry on my husband’s name and his family because it is a big Irtish clan and I wanted to continue it. But about 12 weeks into the pregnancy, I KNEW I was having a girl, and at 22 weeks, the ultrasound confirmed my mother’s intuition. And just like you, I couldn’t imagine not having a daughter. She is strong, and beautiful, independent and everything I wish I could be (cue Bette Midler song).
This time, I was torn. A boy would be great because I’d have one of each, like you said. But having a girl would mean my daughter would have a sister, and hopefully have a bond similar to the one I have with my sister - something that surpasses all friendships. And again, at around 10 weeks, I KNEW I was having a boy, and at 20 weeks, the ultrasound confirmed this yet again.
And though I’m sure I would have been equally as thrilled with a girl and been able to watch my daughters be sisters, I was excited more than I thought I would be to have a son. That one day will be a man. A good man. And I know that because his father is a good man - kind and generous, thoughtful and strong, humble and supportive. And in my opinion, the world could always use more of him.
I will have one of each. I am thrilled beyond words. But if this baby were to be a girl? I’d be thankful that I could raise two women to be strong and assertive, proud and modest, grateful and patient. Because no matter the gender of our children, we want to give them the best of us, don’t we?
Multi-Tasking Mommy a.k.a. MTM says...
Very well written post hon (I’m SciFi’s wife, in case you are new)–it was honest and your honesty is something I’ve always liked about you (well–most of the time –hehe).
It’s no secret to me that you had hoped for a boy. Who wouldn’t with the pressure that your Dad has put on you.
I do believe that everyone does truly want a happy and healthy baby, so when that is the answer that is given, sometimes I feel like it is a cop out. Not to say that people must have a preference because some people probably legitimately don’t.
Truthfully, I don’t know if I had/have a preference. In my head, ever since I can remember (and that is when I was quite young and had no business thinking about having kids), I wanted one of each. Probably because I always wanted a brother.
I agree with you. One of each would be nice. It would even us out, make your Dad happy, etc. etc. But, at the same time, a little sister for the bunny would be a good thing as well.
In the end, it isn’t up to us and it doesn’t really matter because we will enjoy and love them just as much no matter what!
I’m looking forward to our ultrasound!
Laura says...
I am pregnant with my first child. If we have a girl, it will be the first female on my husband’s side (we have 4 nephews). If it’s a boy, it will be the the first in it’s generation to carry on my husband’s last name. So, my in-laws will be overjoyed in either case.
On my side of the family, if it’s a girl it could be the first granddaughter for my parents, or it could have a female cousin it’s age which would be great (my sister is due in 3 weeks with her 3rd child–not sure if it’s boy or girl). If it’s a boy, my parents will either have 4 grandsons or 3 grandsons (based on what my sister has).
I “feel like” I’m having a girl, but we decided not to find out. I like the element of surprise, plus it’s our first child and we plan to have more so I don;t want everything to be gendered (women love to buy girl clothes and I wouldn’t want to get all clothes for a shower instead of the big stuff I really need). Originally, my husband wanted to know the gender, but the argument I used against it seems to work…my opinion was that I didn’t want to start attributing traits to our baby/child based on it’s gender before we even had a chance to meet it (like if he’s a boy he’ll love trucks and tractors as much as my nephews do, or if she’s a girl she’ll be into princesses).
Laural says...
I’ll be honest. when I had my son I wanted a daughter, but once I got used to having a boy I loved it. When I was pregnant with my daughter I desperately wanted a girl. And I’m thrilled I did.
But, as far as the name thing goes. In this day and age, I’m not sure it matters in this day and age. My friends with unusual last names or names they want to protect pass it on to either gender and the name is often preserved. Your daughter could easily get married and keep her maiden name or hyphenate it.
Personally I’m so grateful that you don’t get to choose gender. If I could have I wouldn’t have my son, and he’s such a treasure. And I’m grateful to have a boy. it’s funny how that works.
russ says...
With our first child, I wanted a boy. By this point, we had already decided that I was going to be staying home with the child, and I had convinced myself that I knew nothing about raising a girl. Fate smiled at me (or was it a smirk?) and gave me a son. We rough house and do the usual boy stuff.
Our second child is a girl (and we couldn’t be happier). We did the, it would be cheaper to have another boy, but one of each would be great too, thing. I guess I was hoping for another boy, built in playpals and all. But now that we have one of each, I don’t think I’ll be treating her any differently than her brother.
Now if she insists on tea parties and the like, I’ll suck it up and deal.
Angie in Texas says...
with my first baby, i wanted a boy - my (ex)husband *really* wanted a boy.
i had the MOST beautiful, fat, charming, sweet baby girl ever. and 8 years later she’s still perfect (and smart to boot!)
with the second one, i wanted another girl (cause sisters have a bond right?); my (ex)husband wanted a boy . . . we had a boy. and he is the most funny, sensitive, handsome , charming little man ever - even almost 6 years later.
and though i didn’t get what i wanted BOTH times, i got exactly what i meant to get . . . and so will you and your family. =)
(*BTW, my family immigrated (or is it emmigrated) to the US from korea and our family’s name dies if my younger brother doesn’t have a boy. my older brother had 2 girls. my sister and i have one of each, but the boys have their father’s names. i’m going to court this month to change my children’s names to hyphenated versions of both my and their father’s last names. i feel your pressure - but not like my younger brother does!)