Mark Hutton, author of My Out-of-Control Teen, says that despite his being a counselor, he believes that counseling troubled teens is a waste of time and money. He claims that traditional methods of discipline, including grounding, putting teens on medication, threatening to call the police or to kick teens out of the house are not effective.

He and many other therapists and psychologists believe that what works are more positive methods of discipline. Learning to communicate with teens is extremely important. Teenagers have a “mental block” when they hear negatives such as “Don’t do that”. It is, therefore, key to turn everything into a positive. If a parent is being yelled at by her/his teen, for example, instead of saying “Don’t yell at me”, Hutton suggests saying “I need you to talk to me in a calmer tone of voice so I can hear you”.

Hutton claims that many parents who approach him about counseling for their children, are in fact the ones who need counseling themselves. He developed a system to give parents the tools they need to help their teens. He teaches them how to develop a therapeutic alliance with their kids, which will lead them to respect their parents regarding discipline. It is important for parents not to wait until their teens are behaving negatively to respond to them. They must focus more on their children’s positive behavior and accomplishments by encouraging and praising them.

It is also important for parents to make kids work and earn things, rather than being spoiled and handed things. This takes away a sense of dependency, which also removes many teens’ strong sense of entitlement. Doing good things, such as helping out with chores and housework should earn them things they want. We all know that teens want things, whether they’re clothes, an I-pod or car privileges-clearly, they’ll be likely to behave well if their actions lead to these rewards.

J. Eileen Walker, author of the fact sheet for Ohio University, Make Lemons into Lemonade: Use Positives for Disciplining Children, agrees with Hutton’s approach. She emphasizes that “to discipline” means “to teach”, which is done effectively through positive approaches.

Walker favors guidance-based parenting, which can be applied to younger children, as well. An example of this is if your child is difficult in the mornings and takes a long time to pick out his clothes and get dressed, don’t simply repeatedly complain about it. Instead, tell him if he continues to do this, he will have to either pick out his clothes the night before or get up earlier in the mornings: it’s his choice.

Walker recommends positive reinforcement of rules. For example, instead of telling a child not to run in the house, say “You need to walk in the house. If you run, you could get hurt or break something.” This addresses the child’s behavior, rather than judging him.

Also important are setting limits. Walker points out four specific types:

1) Prevent physical harm, as in “Be gentle with the baby”.

2) Protect property, as in “Play with the ball outside, not in the house.”

3) Prevent psychological harm, as in “When your sister makes a mistake, help her out. Don’t laugh or make her feel worse.”

4) Respect for others, as in “Ask your friend before you play with his toys.”

For more in depth information on Walker’s view on setting limits, see: http://ohioline.osu.edu/hyg-fact/5000/5153.html .

Tags: Behavior, discipline, Parenting, teens