So you want to be a SAHM?
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….(or a SAHD)?
I used to be one of those women who, pre-pregnancy, would scoff at the idea of staying home with a baby. I told myself, I’d go crazy with the boredom and lack of mental stimulation. Now, as a relatively new mom of a precocious four-month old, I’m ready to eat my words along with a glass of humility.
As one of the many two-income households across America, I work and earn half of my family’s income. I expected our daughter to go to daycare, and for me to keep working; not a thought popped into my head that we would need to prepare ourselves to become a one-income family. What for? I wasn’t going to be staying home.
The first day I dropped her off at daycare pretty much demolished that former resolve. I cried for three hours, called my husband lamenting that I couldn’t stay home with her, called my mom, called my friends for moral support. I called the daycare multiple times during the day and then picked her up early.
Everyone told me it would get better, but it became clearer to me each week that my heart was set in caring for my baby full-time. Two items further clarified this realization. The first was the little section in my What to Expect the First Year book which kindly informs readers that the first three years of a child’s development is crucial. The second was the result of daycare studies I had been reading online, discussing negative effects of daycare .
I set my plans in motion so that I could begin to care for my daughter at home. For those of you with the same intent, the following may be helpful:
- Draw up a budget and calculate how much money you would still need to earn or cut back for monthly expenses, once you quit your full-time job. This may require keeping track of every purchase for a month to give you a true picture of your expenses. Count that morning lattes, count the video rentals on the weekend, count everything. Once you know what you spend, you know what you can cut back on. Be prepared to cut back on a lot, and remember for whom you’re sacrificing them.
- Look at eliminating big monthly expenses to free up some cash: Trade in your big SUV for a second-hand sedan. Sell your car entirely so you only have one car payment instead of two (remember to factor in the money you’ll save in gas). Pay off your credit card balance before quitting if its feasible. Switch to basic cable instead of the premium subscription. Negotiate with your cell phone provider for a lower monthly rate for less minutes if you find that you don’t use up all your minutes. Cancel your gym membership and see if there is a recreation center in your community you can join for a much cheaper rate.
- Okay, you’ve now eliminated everything you can, but you find that you still need extra cash. Ask yourself: can you work part-time or at night? Can you work from home? Maybe taking care of one or two of your friends or neighbors’ children? Can your partner vie for a promotion or ask for a raise so you don’t need to worry about working? There are endless possibilities.
- The extreme solution: sell your home and get an apartment. Yes, we considered this. I am ready to sacrifice everything to be able to stay home with my little girl. Even more extreme than that: sell your home and live with your parents. In Asian families, this isn’t even considered extreme and is done all the time.
So what is our family doing? We’re making the most extreme move of them all. We’re crossing state borders to move in with my family in San Diego, California. My husband and I are swallowing our prides and bunking with my parents for all the good reasons: so I can stay home with baby Mina for at least a year or two, so I can go back to school, so that Mina would be near her grandparents.
For someone who’ve been earning reasonably well all these years, I am looking at a lot of sacrifice. During the challenging times ahead, I just need to keep my eye on the prize; that of having a direct hand in molding my daughter to be the best she could be.
carmen says...
I applaud your resolve to work hard at achieving a SAHM status. It’s no easy feat and an admirable goal. I can see where you’ve investigated day care and determined it to be a less than optimal choice for you, however I hope that readers don’t take this to mean that daycare is always negative. There are some extremely valuable and positive aspects of good day care. The referenced article goes on to explain that the negative effects were NOT the majority finding and that some of the studies didn’t compare against a control group.
Ironically, I had the opposite reaction to day care than you. Pre-pregnancy, I felt strongly that, despite having achieved a moderate level of success in my career to date, I wanted to shift my focus to raising children. I did need a few months of working and sending my daughter to day care to prepare for this. What I learned was that despite my tears and loneliness, my daughter was thriving in day care. She is (unlike her mommy) an extremely social baby who adores being around other babies, learning from the examples set by older babies, and the affection and attention from her teachers. Much to my surprise, instead of working to not have to work anymore, I now work to support my day care expenses.
I would encourage families to consider the choices that are right for their situation and pursue whole heartedly that option — both come with challenges and deserve support and respect.
MrsH says...
Hi Carmen. Yes,I included a link to the study so that others could read it and decide for themselves. I’m glad your daughter thrived in daycare! The ladies that take care of my daughter now are wonderful, but my heart is telling me I need to be with her full-time. My main issue is to be the one to guide and mold her during this critical three-year period. After a year or two, I will evaluate the situation. I think it’s critical for parents to not always go by studies and “experts” but to listen to their intuition and to their child, like you did.
Christianne says...
Bravo! This decision couldn’t have been an easy one. Moving and getting a new job (just for hubby in this case) are some huge sacrificese, but like you said if it feels like the best option for your family just follow your gut and do it.
MrsH says...
Hi Christianne, thanks for the kudos!